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Full text of "National Lampoon Magazine 1975-11"

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with 


t*r*h 


lavoffs.Dicket 


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lines, dues, scabs, 




goons, finks, 


V 


forklifts, lockouts, 


mmwik-Am. 


sweatshops, 


m. 


sweethearts, 


L4VAA» m 


closed shops, 


I 


downtime, 


flf 


wobblies, lunch 


^M 


buckets, hard 


s 


hats, black lung, 


m 


boilermakers, 


is 


benefits, boots, 


*^ 


mills, hard times, 


- 


hammers, sickles, 




debs, gompers, 


S 


boyles, meanys, 




hot f as, lomans, 




Johnny Friendly, 


*.^^0 ' 


and the company 


w 


store. 





Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



The new 2121. Witt 



Ever since the cassette deck stepped 
into the spotlight with proven high 
fidelity performance, great advances 
in tape and cassette deck technology 
have been made. Despite this 
progress, most of the high fidelity 
industry was convinced that it was 
virtually impossible to build a really 
superior front-loading, front-control 
cassette deck equipped with Dolby — 
thai could sell for less than two 
hundred dollars. 

Pioneer thought it might be 
impossible, too. But we figured it was 
worth the try. 

The engineers at Pioneer were 
given the 2121 project two years ago. 
They were asked to build a front- 
access, front-control cassette deck 
loaded with features. A deck that 
would outperform any unit in the two 
hundred dollar price range that had 
ever been built before. 

The result is the no-compromise 
CT-F21 21 - a cassette deck with 
enormous capability, performance, 
reliability and features, Pioneer 
believes the CT-F2121 has the 
greatest combination of value ever 
put into a cassette deck at such an 
extremely reasonable price. 




Switch from one mode to another, bypassing 
(he Stop levor. 

Everything's up front for 
optimum operating convenience. 

Pioneer's engineers have designed 
the CT-F2121 to give you the highest 
degree of flexibility in use. You can 
stack it easily with other components 
in your system because every control 
function, as well as cassette loading, 
Is operable from the front panel. In 
addition, the illuminated cassette 
compartment permits rapid cassette 
loading at an easy-to-see 30° angle. 
An LED indicator lets you know when 
you're in the recording mode. And, 
as all Pioneer components, the 
controls are simple to use and 
logically arranged, 

Improved sound reproduction 
with built-in Dolby B system. 

The CT-F2121's selectable Dolby B 
provides as much as 10dB improve- 
ment in signal-to-noise ratio with 
standard low noise tapes. There's an 
even greater improvement with 
chromium dioxide tape, An Indicator 
light tells you instantly when the 
Dolby system is in operation, And to 
insure better, interference-free 
recordings ot FM stereo broadcasts, 
Pioneer has built in a multiplex filter. 

Outstanding performance with 
every type of tape. 

Separate bias and equalization 
switches permit you to use any kind 
of cassette tape: standard low noise, 
chromium dioxide — and even the 
newest ferrichrome formulations. The 
CT-F2121 brings out the fullest 
capabilities of each tape. And to 
produce the best performance, the 
operating manual of the CT-F2121 
gives you a chart listing the most 
popular cassette tape brands with 
their recommended bias and 
equalization control settings. There's 
never any guesswork. 



Separate bias & equalization switches for any 
type of easaette tape, 

Versatile features increase 
listening enjoyment and simplify 
recording. 

Pioneer has outdone itself on the 
CT-F2121 with a host of easy-to-use 
features. A long life permalloy-solid 
record and play head and a ferrlte 
erase head insure excellent signal- 
to-noise ratio. The transport operating 
levers that permit, direct, jam-proof 
switching from one mode to another 
without having to operate the Stop 
lever, are a great advancement. And, 
like Pioneer's more expensive 
cassette decks, the CT-F2121 has a 
separate electronic servo-system 
and a solenoid that provides 
automatic stop at the end of tape 
travel in play, record, fast wind and 
rewind. 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



i Dolby under s 2 



III 



t 



Twin illuminated VU meters, pi us 
separate input level controls for each 
channel help you set accurate 
recording levels. Stereo microphone 
inputs as well as the headphone 
output jack are all easify accessible 
on the front panel. 

By any point of reference, 
compare the CT-F21 21 's combination 
of performance and features with 
cassette decks costing much more. 
You can come to only one conclusion 
— at under $2001, this is the most 
extraordinary cassette deck value 
ever offered. 



Frequency Response (Chrome Tape): 

30*16,000 Hz 
Wow & Flutter (WRMS); 0,12% 
Sign a Mo- Noise Ratio (with Dotby): 58dB 
Input Sensitivity: 03mV — 63mV (mic): 

63mV- 12V (line) 
Outputs; 450mV (line & DIN); 80mV a ohms 

(headphones) 

U.S. Pioneer Electronics Corp- 
75 Oxford Drive, Moonachie, 
New Jersey 07074. 
West: 13300 S, Estrelta, Los Angefes 
90248 / Midwest: 1500 Greenleaf, 
Elk Grove Village, III. 60007 / Canada: 
S.H.Parker Co. 




The CT-F2121 cornea ready for custom 
installation. Handsome, optional cabinet with 
walnut veneered top and sides also available. 



when you wan! something batter 




I I || DOLBY SYSTEM I 



AUTO -STOP 



■Dolby IS a trademark 0* POl&y LaDOrsrjirtes, trie. t(Uptianal camnet «ltn walnut veneprerl lop artrt sirtpq Approximate whIuh, $24.95.) Prices listed ahnve are mannlnrtiiriM's anproxi< 

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



The most 
extraordinary 
cassette deck 
value ever 
offered. 



NATIONAL 



POWER 




\-i\t: 



vty 




_■_ OFF 
_-_ ON 



| 1 f] DOLBY SYSTEM ] 



BEC REW PLAY FF PAUSE ST3I 

|j j g q 



FULL AUTO-STOP 






Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



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- \ dB + 

POMKH Ct_eCTP>OMC COP* 1 

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PUSH 
CLOSE 



TAPE DOLBY NR 



BIAS EQ 



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A. STD STD OFF 

jk CrOs CrOs/Fe-Cr ON 



PHONES 



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® ® ® 



INPUT 
LEFT ^H RIGHT 



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(i!) RIOIUCETl STEREO CASSETTE TAPE DECK MODEL CT-FS121 

mmmmmmmnmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm^mmBmm 

iluc only. Actual resale prices will be set by the Individual pioneer dealer at his own option. 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health, 



Kings, 16 mg "jar/' 1 .2 mg meaime, Longs. 17 mg" "ttt. 
1 ,2 mg\rcoiine,«v per cigarene, FTC Repon Apr. 75 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



1 



in the world - 

from the coolest cigarette 

in the world. 

Cornichc 




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*► : 









1. To enter the KOOL Sweepstakes, print 
your name, addrsas and sip code on iho 
official entry bianh, or on a 3" x 5" sheet 
or paper. Mall to KOOL Sweepslakes, P.O. 
Bo* SS, Chicago, Illinois 60B77. Enter 
often, but each entry must be mailed sep- 
arately. 2. Cach entry must Include two 
empty packs of KooJ Of a 3" x 5" piece of 
paper on which you have hand printed the 
words, "Com UP 10 KOOL", To be eli- 
gible, entries must be rer.nlvprJ by Deo, 
31, 1975, 3. The Grand Pme-a i»7& Roiis- 
Royco Cornlehe. No substitution for the 
prtie, 4. The winner will be seTeclmi In a 
random drawing conducted by an inde- 



J*** '*1 



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There's no cigarette in the world that tastes like KOOL. 
And there's no car rn the world like the elegant Rolls-Royce 
Corniche in cool green. Complete with every luxurious ac- 
cessory standard on a Rolls-Royce. To be eligible, just fol- 
low the simple instructions below. If yours is the entry 
selected in the sweepstakes drawing, you'll be driving the 
coolest car in the world, compliments of KOOL Cigarettes. 
NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. 

THE KOOL SWEEPSTAKES OFFICIAL RULES: 






KOOL 

Sweepstakes 
P.O. Box QS 
Chicago, 
| Illinois 60677 





a 1 


KGDLl 


1 t<%/2&b 



pendent judging organization, the results 
of which will bo final. The oddo of winning 
will be determined by the number of en- 
tries received. State, faderal, and other 
taxes imposed on the prizewinner will be 
the aole responsibility of the prizewinner. 
S. Sweepstakes open only to residents of 
the U.S., including Hawaii and Alaska, who 
are 21 yoars of ago or ddor. Employees of 
the Drown and WU I Jams on Tobacco Corpo- 
ration, its aWHated companies, advertising 
agencies, H, Olson & Co,, and their fam- 
ilies are not eligible. Void in Missouri and 
wherever hIsb prohibited Dr restricted by 
law. All federal, state and local laws apply. 



Please enter me In the KOOL Sweepstakes. 
I certify I am at Feast 21 years of age. 



NAME. 



ADDRESS- 



STATE- 



_ZtP- 



Copyright©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




ATIONAL LAMPOON^ MAGAZINE: 
..mpcon" is a registered 
■ 1 1 Lampoon, Inc. 
©on name is used wnn the 
i of [tie Harvara Lampoon, 
1975. National Lam- 
, 635 Madison Av«nua, Neiw 
J 0022 AM rights iL*sBfved. 
Honied in whole Di 
haul wtillKr pbimisttion from 
> simfl&rjjv 10 rt?al 
[f places fn fiction and semi- 

sun* 

SCRIPT! ONS; Pub I. shed monthly oy 
National Lampoon. I " 

Avenue. New 

isld annual subscription, St3.25 paid 
wo yeof subscription, and SIB, 00 paid 
hree year subscription fn territorial 
U.S. Additional SI. 00 for Canada 3nd 
Mexico, S2,00 tor foreign, Second-Clasc 
postage paid at New York, n.y., and 
addit1ona^ matltng offices. CHANGE OF 
AOOHESSt Subscriber please send 
cnanrje of address io Circulation Man- 
ager, National Lampoon Marianne, fi35 
Martlson Avenue. New Ynrk, N Y. 10022. 
Be sum in givfi nlri nridress. new ad- 
and zip codit fur bulh. Allow six 
tur Lhanub. POSTMASTER, 
ami 3579 notices lo CFf- 
National Lampoon 
Avenue, New 
INFORMAL 



FORMATfONfl »miostons 

Editor, NattonaM BMsgazine, 

W-> Madison AvtffH ■fork, NY. 

70022, or call [ai27lH K Return 
posing* 5 must accornpTB ■> manu- 
scripts, drawings, HKttPhs 
submmed if they are to utf 
Publisher assumes no 
fur unsolicited materia). 



Kelly Girts Temporary Office Furniture, 41 

By Marc Rubin 

Shirking, 48 

By Scan Kelly, Gerald Sussman, and John Weidman 

Keep off Trucking, 51 

By foe Schenkman 

Trail of Tiers, 53 

By Brian MtCnnnathic. illustrated by N?<k (.lardy 

The Pacesetter , S7 

By Peter Kaniinsky and Ted Mann 

Job Safety , 61 

B) Ted Mann 
Albania, the Closet Paradise, 69 

By Xormun Kubingtnn 

Worker Ant, 73 

By Bobby London 

Trapped in the Toilet Factory, 75 

By Shary Flenniken 

House Organ , 77 

By Peter Kamimky and Tnl Maim 

Ferdinand the Bulldozer, 83 

By Tony Hen&rajSean Kelly, and Rick Meyerowir/ 

Hire the Handicapped, 106 

By Wayne MrLougMin 

The Kitchens of Sara Lee, 114 

Bv Bruce McCall 



*4 




Editorial, 6 

Baba Rum Raisin, 8 

Letters, 10 

The National, 19 

Canadian Corner, 27 

Birdbath, 28 

True Facts, 30 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




Z 
*■* 

& 

5* 





£3t&3i* 





FIAT 131 

s 3,958 



It not only goes faster 

than the others. 

It gets there $ 2,ooo cheaper. 



When we had an independent testing 
company test the new Fiat 131 against 
the Audi, the Volvo, and the BMW, we 
hoped the Fiat would manage to keep up. 

After all, for a $4,000 car to just keep 
up with $6,000 cars would be quite a feat 

As it turned out, the three $6,000 
cars didn't quite manage to "keep up 
with us* 

In four separate acceleration tests, the 
Fiat ran away from all of them, In fact, 
from 40-70 mph the Fiat beat the Volvo 



by the incredible margin of 157 feet. 

The results of these acceleration tests 
were no fluke. In separate tests of 
cornering, steering, road-holding ability, 
and overall responsiveness, the Fiat 
proved itself to be every bit the equal of 
the Audi, the Volvo, and the BMW. 

I )oes al 1 this surprise you ? It should. 
It surprised us. 



FIAT 



A lot of car. Not a lot of money. 



All prices 1975 Hast Coast POL Inland transportation, dealer preparation arid local taxes additional. 
Rat overseas deli very and teasing arranged through your dealer. 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Sh&S&B 




CmHJynt 
Z*}*f+l Um ** 






I'm 
11 \ 



"T/fflfl 






■ 



■ 



i 

se 




Editors: Tony Hendra, Brian McConnachie, Sean Kelly, Douglas Kenney 



Executive Editor: P. J. O'Rourke Associate Editors : Tohn Weidman , Gerald Sussman Art Director: Peter Kleinman 



Senior Copy Editor: Louise Gikow Projtris Copy Editor: Karen Wegner 
Associate Art Director: Mark Hecker Designer: Diana Feldman Assistant Art Director: Lisa Lemer , 

__^ Art Associate: Scott MacNeill __ 

Contributing Editors: Christopher Cerf, Peter T. Kami risky, Dean A. Latimer, Ted Mann, Bruce McCall, 

Chris .Miller, Ed Subit/k >■, Marc Rubin 



Contributing Artists: Arky & Barrett, M. K* Brown, Randall Enos f Shary Flenniken, Dick Frank, Edward Gorey, 

Ronald G, Harris, Dick Hess, Bobby London, Stan Mack, Mara McAfee, Wayne McLoughiin, Rick Meyerowitz, 

Charles Rodrigues, Alan Rose, Norman Rubington, Warren Sattlcr, Neil Selkirk, Gahan Wilson 



Production Manager: George Agoglia, Tr, Promotion: Peter J* Kaminsky 



Staff Assistants: Wendy Mogel, Julie Simmons Press Relations: Jams Hirsch 



Publisher: Gerald L. Tavlor 



The National Lampoon, Inc. is a subsidiary of Twenty First Century Communications, Inc. 
Chairman: Matty Simmons President: Leonard Mogel 
Sr. Vice-President, Administration: George Agoglia Sr. Vice-President, Sales: Gerald L, Taylor 
Vice-President, Finance: Charles Schneider Vice-President, Subscriptions and Product Sales: Howard Jurofsky 



Advertising Officesj New York; William T. Lippe, Eastern Advertising Director, Herman Brown, Jr., Account Executive, 

National Lampoon. 635 Madison Ave. New York, N.Y. 10022, (212) G3B-4Q70. 6 

Chicago: Wilttain H. Sanke, Midwest Adverting f*™-— «« « "'- 1 '™ *'■■ 
We*t Coast: Lowell Fox, 10960 Wit 
Southern Offices; H. V. Brown, H. V. Brown Associates, 5825 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




STARLETS, 

SMOG r STUDIOS AND 

TINSEL DREAMS. FREEWAYS, 

MASSAGE PARLORS, PALM TREES 

AND EARTHQUAKES. IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY AND 

WARM THEY SAY, AND FAME AND FORTUNE AWAIT THE 

SEEKER AT THE CORNER OF SUNSET AND VINE . . . 

City Of Angels. A stunning musical vision of Los Angeles. 
New, from the legendary Miracles, On Motown Records and tapes. 




Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon lnc a 





mmmta 

W* Uazzledazzle red rep sofa from 
Velleity, Fla,!!! Jan Morris' Sunday 
New York Times Magazine Section 
article, "Let Her Sink," concerning 
the sub-Adriaticizing of Venice, 
Italy, has been retitled: "Let Him 
Sink/' 

IMF" Exciting mahogany armoire 
from Ox, Vt!!! PGA champ Jack 
Nicklaus has murdered his grand- 
mother! Jack win be indicted for 
nannaslaughter in Yep, Ark., where 
the old lady died, bludgeoned to 
death with a nine iron, seventy-one 
strokes, two over par, 
W* Flabber gastering coffin stool 
from Slews, Wise. ! ! I Patricia Hearst 
and James Hoffa were married on 
October 3 at Newark, N.J., City 
Hall, Rev. Charles Augustus Lind- 
bergh III (forty-four), presiding. 
"I'm so thrilled to have him," cooed 
Patty. "We've been awaiting this 
moment for yeans. He is one of the 
few remaining Symbionese to be 



liberated. Others are Roddy Mc- 
Dowell, whom I will not marry, Ella 
Fitzgerald, who will be cave matron, 
Dale Evans, who doesn't know she's 
one, and Clarabellc Cow. Clarabelle 
knows it. She's been freelancing for 
years. All but Clarabelle will be 
kidnapped. Sammy Bronfman we 
thought was one, but he proved not, 
so we turned him back. We're think- 
ing of you all\ Love to Spot!" 
%J0" Wacky parquetry commode 
from Deaf mute, Arbc!!! Dondi has 
had a vasectomy. 

W0" Blissful trumpet leg tub chair 
from Glandular, SwitzJI! Karren 
Stead, eleven, first girl to win the 
International Soap Box Derby, is 
having dating problems. Burty 
Reynolds has been a frequent caller, 
but Karren nixed his hickeys. 
f 'Dinah/' she cabled fellowms., 
"isn't there anything finer?") R.B. 
bouquetted her with diamonds but 
went back to Our Liz who, as in 
Butter field 8, put her foot down 
hard, slapping a recuperative brandy 
from his grasp. Sonny Bono door- 
matted himself around her till he 
ran out of pavement. And Ike 
Turner ha rsrk tried his guitar before 
her during the pledge of allegiance 
at Morristown Grammar one morn- 
ing. "These men are gumdrops," 



7 



Introducing the BSR 

Silent Performer 



The only rumble from this belt-drive turntable 
comes from our competitors. 

For years expensive manual record- playing devices 

have used belt-drive as a smooth, trouble-free — and 

most important — silent method for transmission of 

power. Now, our engineers have integrated a 

^^^ highly-re fined belt-drive system 

into more affordably-priced 

turntables, with features and 

performance not available in even 

more expensive competitive models. 

We call them Silent Performers. 

I Model 20 BPX is a fully automated single- play 

turntable with a precision machined platter, 

high- torque multi-pole synchronous motor, 

tubular "S" shaped adjustable counter 

weighted tone arm in gimbal 

mount, viscous cueing, quiet 

Delhn cam gear, dual-range 

anti- skate and much more. 

With base, dust cover, and 

ADC K6E cartridge. 




Consumer ProducSs Group 

RSR (USA) Ltd. 

BJauvelt, NX 10913 



Hsfi 



8 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



said Karren. "Any man who puts a 
woman on a pedestal like a sports 
trophy is a pismire and a hlonk. 
Besides, as Dinah avers, there is 
much to be said for maidenhood. 
Except that I am too dignified, as 
well as too famous, to say it!*' 
IPV Super celestial footstool from 
Aspirin, Ohio!!! Willy Mays slapped 
Werner Erhard across his cheap, 
unconfrontahle Virgo left cheek on 
All Soul's Day, when, after Willy 
asked him why he had changed his 
name from Jack Rosenberg to that 
of a Luftwaft pilot, Werner quid 
pro quoed him with: "I get that 
you're a black retired baseball 
player." Werner's response to the 
zygomat zonk was to take a com- 
fortable position, close his eyes* go 
into his space, and burst into tears. 
(You've had it a long time coming, 
Werner, serves you right!) Seeing 
this, Willy came from his experi- 
ence and hit him again. Whereupon 
Werner finished hut did not com- 
plete the communication, "You 
bully, you," returned Willy's 250 
simoleons, and went to the bath- 
room for eighteen consecutive hours, 
after which: quietus est. 

W* Spark tacular Georgian chair- 
back settee from Far Be It From 
Me, Pa.!!! Nelson Rockefeller and 
Truman Capote are sisters!!! At 
least, Rockefeller is the sister — it 
was he, not Happy, who had the 
breasts removed, Truman's keeping 
mum, 'cause upon Rooky's coming 
exposure for tax evasion, he in- 
herits the vice-prexydom. 
JW Moonzoom Jacobean chiffonier 
from Grope, Belgium!!! The Deadly 
Nightshade has broken up! They've 
broken up The Five Spot (now an 
empty lot), Max's (an old tire), 
Folk City (totally samsoned), 
Labium Minus (a cavity), and The 
Woiulerwoman Convention (four 
survivors). Striking a washboard 
high note mulched the walls of The 
Other TCnd, and The Tough Titty 
was jerichoed with a kazoo. Had to 
be reconstructed practically from 
itch. Debs ran screaming from the 
Oak Room blitz which fumed the 
oak and dresdened the place. The 
Russian Tea Room is now a T 
room, while the Sheep Meadow had 
to be macadamized after their 
"Donkeybell Polka" debut some- 
time Tuesday, By public ordinance, 
they have been declared a public 
ordnance, allowed to perform only 
in old tents which come down 
afterwards anyhow. This decidge 
made when the Houston Astrodome 
ehairbubs noped their gig for Au- 
gust after they rovinescied St, John 
the Divine with their "Madrigal 
for Diaphragm and Flute." 

continued on page 'JS 



What weighs 23,800 lbs., 
has 6 wheels, records 38- 
track Stereophonic Sound 
from 44 microphones, moves 
in 10 forward and 3 reverse 
speeds, containing only the 
very finest sound equipment 
and is the highly-prized pos- 
session of the greatest rock 
and roll band in the world? 



'Z6 VD *UJ«0i|Oby '?fiuaAy jajsaipud^V ' 



3311V Aq poddinbo-punos 
r oipn|S 6uipjo>on O|iqom seuo# $ f»ug||0|| ai| j, 




Z^Jj^A 




J9MSUO 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Your shoes are 
trying to tell you 

something. 

Take a pair of ordinary shoes that are broken in. 

Put them on the kitchen table, or any flat surface, 

and look at them for a while. 

You'll notice two things. 

The sole curves comfortably toward the toe. 

And the heels are wearing down. j 

Your shoes are actually trying to 

become Roots! 

Roots come from the 

box with the curve 

built info the rocker 

sole, and the heel 

slightly recessed. 

They fit the way you 

were born to walk. 

So, instead of getting 

an ordinary pair of ^ ^z^?Z> 

shoes and trying to make 

them comfortable by breaking them in, maybe you 

ought to buy a beautifully made pair of shoes that 

were designed for the way you walk. 

Think about it. MXt£%tfW&& 

They're sold at the Roots store. & MMM%Jw*&m 



'Be kind to feet They outnumber people two to one'' 





I Sold only a* Roots stores in: Albuquerque, Amsterdam (Neth J, Ann Aibor. Atlanta , Austin, 

(5 Berkeley. Birmingham f Ala.}. Birmingham (Mich J, Boston, Boulder. Calgary Cambridge, Chicago, Coiumbus, 

T| Costa Mesa, Dallas, Dunuur, East Lansing, Erlmnninn, Eugene, Evaiislon, Furl Laudendalfl. Halifax, Hartford, 

j= Houston. Kansas City (Mo.), La Jolla, Las Uegas, London (OnO, Los Angeles. Madison. Malibu, Miami, Milwaukee, 

s Minneapolis, Montreal, Munich (Gsr. J. New York. Ottawa, Palo Alio, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Portland* San 

J Francisco, Scottsdale, Seattle, Toronto, Tucson, Vancouver. Victoria, White Plains. 

9 Boots are made in 15 styles for men and women. For more about them send 25* for 

g 'The Book of Roots" to Roots Natural footwear. 1203 Caledonia Rd„ Toronto M6A 2X3, Canada. 

o For address of store nearest you call 800-52 1-8960 kill free. 




/ett fr r ♦ 



Sirs: 

I loaned a friend of mine fifteen 
dollars. When he came by to pay 
mc back, he tried that old trick 
where you point to each corner of 
a five dollar bill and say, "Five, 
five, five, and five more — -that's 
twenty," Well, lie was so happy 
with himself that he left before I 
could give him his change. 

What an asshole. 

William Simon 
Washington, D.C. 

Sirs: 

After eleven years, I feel qualified 
to deliver judgment on what I must 
call a deplorable situation. Contrary 
to all expectations, I not only was 
treated as any other new immigrant 
for recruit, pronounced 'cruit> as 
they are usually called here), but 
during the ensuing years I have 
also received no promotion! 

In short, I was quite mistaken* 
I am very sorry if I have misled 
any of you by any of my previous 
writings. Dostoevski was far nearer 
the truth than I with his "dark 
rooms" and "spiders." 

C. S, Lewis 
Slough of Despond 

Sirs: 

That's right, me buckoes. That 
big pitch segment switch in the sky 
has yet again activated the reversal 
relay governing my life, as last 
night at approximately two minutes 
before midnight I got a call from 
Julie Mil ton -Bradley. I love you, 
etc., etc. Oh, help. Now what? I 
still don't know. 

Yeah, you're right — gobble gob- 
ble. 

Oh, and as a cryptic p rem or tern 
note, she got into a "violent argu- 
ment" with Lenny over the week- 
end. Leonard sez that she doesn't 
know what she's talking about and 
he's gonna "kill" me. That's a 
quote, Mr, District Attorney, and 
his last name's Waters. W-a-t-e-r-s. 
Unless I'm mistaken. And he plays 
baseball, Any more than that, I'll 
have to take the Fifth Amendment 
on. 

Still looking, Diogenes* 

Captain Oobi 
Luke AFB, Arizona 

continued 



10 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



• *- 



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H'r^yj 



* 



BASF 



T 



If you've never heard music on BASF tape before, 
turn the page and see how it sounds. 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Letters 

continued 



Rocky: 

Here's your check back. 

Squeaky 

Sirs: 

The enclosed is shared with you 
and your readers ay an indication 
that the Alaskan pipeline milieu is 
really no different than Madison 
Avenue or any other site peopled 
by people. 

Picture this cozy little tableau 
which takes place on a quiet, sunny, 
subzero after noon in the quaint 
lobby of the construction camp lo- 
cated in remote Prudhoe Bay, 
Alaska. Six immigrants from the 
Lower Forty -eight have just arrived 
in the music-laden lobby, without 
reservations* to register as nine- 
week guests of the camp. As they 
approach the front desk, the ever- 
loud t life-saving general fire alarm 
goes into action, for the seventh 
time that day, in violent protest 
against water which has leaked into 
its wiring. The tall, lanky mainte- 
nance man is seen in the distance 
loping along in search of the tell- 
tale smoke rings thai will announce 
disaster. Into this somewhat startled 



milieu drags the chambermaid, trail- 
ing after her the loudest vacuum 
cleaner in camp, to clean the lobby 
carpet in and around the front desk. 
At this moment the telephone rings 
— it is the central operator asking 
if the fire alarm is real The desk 
clerk replies, "No, if$ not real, but 
around here, what is?" As he turns 
to once again encounter the thick- 
ening situation, one of the tenants 
stumbles to the desk in his under- 
wear, red and bleary-eyed, shout- 
ing, "What the hell's going on here? 
This is the fourth day in a row this 
racket has kept me awake and I'm 
gonna call the president of my com- 
pany. He'll put a stop to it. 1 might 
just kill somebody with my front 
end loader one of these nights if I 
don't get any sleep. And how's that 
for something to tell the safety 
man?" Standing behind him is his 
sleepy-eyed, long-haired and bearded 
roommate, clutching his guitar and 
nodding in agreement. He's wearing 
oily Levis and sneakers. The tele- 
phone rings again — the new regis- 
trants are standing at the counter, 
as though transfixed, in the same 
posture at which they came to rest, 
"Wilt you page Short Hairs and 
have him eome to the wiring ter- 
minal?'* Taking command of this 



sinister Utile scene, the desk clerk 
suddenly grabs the paging device 
and screams, in his usual collected 
manner, "Will everybody just fuck 
off for ten minutes while I get it 
back together!" And once again in 
the hushed atmosphere the lilting 
strains of "Third Man Theme," 
electronically reproduced and faith- 
fully repeated by Muzak every 
1219.7 seconds, can be heard waft- 
ing its way through camp, permeat- 
ing every nook, cranny, and crevice 
in its mission of bringing good 
cheer to all. 

Rick Morris 
Anchorage, Alaska 

Gringos: 

Here's the winner of the Illegal 
Alien Riddlerama held last month 
in Watson villc. 

Q: What do 96 percent of the 
Mexican-Americans in California 
call their dad's sister? 

A: Harvester Aunt!! 

That one really breaks it up in 
the Monterey county sheriffs' van. 
Cesar Chavez 
Delano, CaL 
P.S. Please make payments for joke 
in Greyhound script. A round-trip- 
per from Salinas to Yuma would 
suffice. 



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Because now they come packaged in con- 
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H U LTO N 




BASF sound is so clear and true, nothing comes 
between you and the music. 

What you experience when you listen to music you 
record on BASF tape is simply this: the music. Pure 
and clear. 

How does BASF make this phenomenal clarity hap- 
pen? By polishing the tape. Literally. 

When tape is made, it has thousands upon thousands 
of tiny humps and ridges that can cause background 
noise. By getting rid of most of them, we get rid of most 
of the noise as well 

And to make sure the sound you do hear is all there, 
we give the tape incredible range and response by 



using a highly magnetizable dense oxide coating. 

Of course, when you listen to music this rich and 
clear, you don't just hear it. The music happens. 
(Which may come as a surprise if what you've been 
experiencing until now is background noise.) 

Now if all this sounds too good to be true, there's 
something wed like to point out. BASF invented 
audio tape in the first place, Giving us lots of time 
to perfect it, 

So it isn't surprising we sound so much like die 
original. You see, we are the original. 

BASF We sound like the original because we 
are the original 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




When you're exploring 




Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



a fascinating new 
alone are not enough. 




[f you 1 re like most men. deep down inside there's 
still a bit of the boy who loved to go exploring . . . and who'd 
love to go again. Well, now you can. 

Only this time you'll explore the expanding world of 
electronics ... a world more fascinating than any you ever 
dreamed of as a boy. 

Learn by exploring . . , Bell & Howell Schools 
offers an exciting way for you to gain new occupational 
skills in electronics. 

Everybody enjoys learning something new. but why 
learn it the old way? Classes to go to. Lectures to sit through. 
And only a bunch of books to keep you interested. 

Bell & Howell Schools" adventure in learning is a far 
cry from all that. 

You can probe into electronics and learn exciting 
new occupational skills right in your own home, in your spare 
time. On whatever days and whatever hours you choose. So 
there's no need to give up your present job and paycheck 
just because you want to learn something new. 

What's more, when you're exploring a field as 
fascinating as electronics, reading about it is just not enough. 
That's why throughout this program you'll get lots of "hands 
on" 1 experience with some of today's latest electronic 
training tools. 

You'll be stimulated for hours on end as you 
build, experiment and learn while using the latest ideas 
and techniques in this fascinating field. 

As part of the program you'll actually learn to build 
and work with your own electronics laboratory. Using it to put 
many of today's most dynamic electronic discoveries to the 
test . . . including electronic miniaturization. 

Among the things you'll discover is how the 
development of tiny integrated circuits has made possible an 
electronic calculator small enough to fit into a shirt pocket! 
And a wristwatch that flashes the time with the push of a button 

You'll investigate the concept of "logic circuits/' An 
idea that has been with us for centuries but only in recent 
years put to use as the "brain" behind all the new digital 
consumer appliances we see today. 

But more Important than 
anything else is the new occupa- 
tional skills you'll develop in elec- 
tronics troubleshooting. While no 
assurance of income opportunities 
can be offered, you'll develop skills 
that could lead you in exciting new 
directions. Use your training; 

1. To seek out a job in the 
electronics industry. 

2. To upgrade your current job, 

3. As a foundation for advanced 
programs in electronics. 

You build and perform 
many exciting experiments with 
Bell & Howell's Electro-Lab ? 
an exclusive electronics training system. 

Using our successful step-by-step method, 




you'll build: 

1 . A design console, for setting up and examining circuits. 

2. A digital multimeter for measuring voltage, resistance and 
current (it displays its findings in big, clear numbers like a 
digital clock), 

3. A solid-slate "triggered sweep" oscilloscope— similar in 
principle to the kind used in hospital operating rooms to 
monitor heartbeats. You'll use it to monitor the 
"heartbeats" of tiny integrated circuits. The "triggered 
sweep" feature locks in signals for easier observation. 

Step-by-step you'll build and experiment with 
Bell & HowelPs new generation color TV— investigating 
digital features youVe probably never seen beforel 

This 25" diagonal color TV has digital features that 
are likely to appear on all TV's of the future. As you build it 
youll probe into the technology behind all-electronic tuning. 
And into the digital circuitry of channel numbers that appear 
right on the screen! You'll also build in a remarkable on-the- 
screen digital clock, that flashes the time in hours, minutes 
and seconds. Your new skills will enable you to program a 
special automatic channel selector to skip over "dead" 
channels and go directly to the channels of your choice. 

You Hi also gain a better understanding of the 
exceptional color clarity of the Black Matrix picture tube, as 
well as a working knowledge of "state of the art" integrated 
circuitry and the 1 00% solid-state chassis. 

After building and experimenting with this TV, you'll 
be equipped with the skills that could put you ahead of the 
field in electronics know-how. 

We try to give more personal attention than 
other learn-at-home programs. 

1 , Toll-free phone-in assistance. Should you ever run into a 
rough spot during the program, we'll be there to help. 
While many schools make you mail in your questions, we 
have a toll-free line for questions that can't wait. 

2. In-pei son "help sessions." These are held in 50 major 
cities at various times throughout the year where you can 

talk shop with your instructors and fellow students. 

No electronics background needed. 

What you really need is the thing 
youVe never lost. A boys Jove for 
exploring, how you can go again, 
only this time learning new 
occupational skills ail along the way. 

Mail the postage-paSd card today 
for more details! 

Taken for vocational 
purposes, this program is 
approved by the state approval 
agency for Veterans' Benefits. 

If card has been removed, write: 



Simulated TV test pattern. 

Ekt1n>Lab® "isa registered tradprraik 
Ollhe Bell & HnwcH Cocr^any, 



An EfoCtfQfilaa Moms Study Scftocl 

OeVhv msimiTE DF-recHnoooY 

BELL EL HOWELL SCHOOLS 

4M t Boiraom. Cfijcagu. HitrioiH 6061 1 

mR3 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



mmmmm 



' ■■ ■ v, ■• ''•-, 1 ■'**/.*! <*-V r 







Ever wish you could add a little more rock to a 
pop tune? Or a bit more pizzaz to some jazz? Its 
easy with Jensen's alf-new OPC speaker systems. 
Each comes with exclusive front-mounted Op- 
timum Performance Controls that allow you to ad- 
just speaker frequency response to any kind of 
music or mood. No matter what type of listening 
environment you're in. 

One thing that never changes— the rich crystal- 
clear Jensen sound. 

No matter how you set your OPC controls, 
you're going to hear sound quality you can"t find in 
any comparably priced speaker systems. That's be- 
cause inside we've placed features like Ffexair 



woorer suspension tor aistornon-tree bass. 
Sonodome* ultra tweeter for improved high fre- 
quency response. And much more. 

Make Jensen OPC speakers a pa rt of your system. 

When you add these new Jensens to your new 
or existing component system, its not only going 
to add quaiity to the sound, ft's going to add a little 
bit of you. 

See and hear the new Jensen OPC speakers for 
yourself. For a free catalog and listing of Jensen 
dealers in your area, write: Jensen Sound 
Laboratories, 4310 Trans World Road. Schiller Park. 
Illinois 60176, 



JENSEN 

SOI Ml 1 YltOH Alum IS 




Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



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The Red Baron thinks The Red Baron is 
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the coupon and send us a 
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for S3. Allow about -4 
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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



WORDS OF MUSIC FROM POLYDOR INCORPORATED 




Ritchie BlacknioreV Rainbow, Ritchie 
Blaekmorc. the driving force of Deep 
Purple, went in search of new colors. I k 
found a totally new spectrum. Ritchie 
Blackmores Rainbow, Bladcmore's guitar 
and Ronnie James Dies voice, A debut 
album horn this years most talked about 
new £ron|\ ^^ 

i prifvOf.ir 



Crackin! Major record company talenl 
scoutsflett fipii everywhere to sign them. 
Their sessions at the Record Plant drew 
crowds of Superstars, The consensus: 
Crackm is the heir apparent to the 
Oak land/ San Francisco sound. Get 
"Gacki ri. " 



f 



joR3< 



pdl voor j 



Randall Braniblett. To the inner world 
of music. Randal] is known as a writer, 
performer, musician who tours with Greg 
Allman. His album. "Thar Other Mile ' 
is Randall's spiritual message expressed 
in earthy music Cosmic rock, Be 
enlightened, 



5Tv3c 



pol 



Chick Corea, Chick Corea called the 
album "the most special RETURN TO 
FOREVER album for me of any [ye re- 
corded ... the result of a very straight- 
forward decision I made about life and 
music and working with others a year 
prior to recording it. The decision had to 
do with making a kind of music that wonld 
tiiilv touch others! 



Gloria Gay nor. "Experience Gloria 
Gaynor." JTpjB can't do it Lying down, The 
Queen of Discos is a moving experience, 
'fly sitting still when "(11 You Want In 
Do 1 1 Yourself" is on. Or when she's do- 
in t q long-playing numbers on vour pulse. 
Gloria Gavnoi: Slices a rush. 






Available in Canada through Polydor Ltd. 



Marketed by Polydor Incorporated 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NOVEMBER, 1975 



OUTLOOK: 
BLEAK 




VOLUME 1, NO. LXVIII 



AIR QUALITY: 
ACCEPTABLE 



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ttiiD tlji 1 pliwa-r 3Hiniitur (Dluunwr (SmttrAiuii ^Jlmu't IDurltft* 3'uijuirrr Eiiimiir !U*Dpr 



FORD AGAIN SHOT IN HEAD 
BULLET IN CRITICAL CONDITION 




COMBINED SERVICES— An attempt on the life of 
ex- Vice-President Gerald Ford failed today when yet 
another would-be assassin fired yet another bullet harm- 
lessly through Ford's cranium. To prevent further repe- 
titions of the near-tragedy, Secret Service men arc round- 
ing up all female cult members and FBI informers in 
California, and subjecting them to intense interrogation 
and target practice. Two million women have so far been 
apprehended. 
A spokesman for the National Rifle Association scored 



reports of the assassination attempt as "one-sided." He 
observed that "the media made no mention of the 17 
million other psychopathic owners of handguns in Cali- 
fornia who didn't take a shot at the President that day," 

The incident is thought to have damaged the presiden- 
tial aspirations of Alabama's George Wallace, whose 
campaign slogan was to be, "Elect a President who has 
already been assassinated." 

President Ford's outspoken wife Betty could only com- 
ment, "Thank God Jerry wasn't hit in a vital organ!" 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



rtmdftio.'ii 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 19 



SINAI ON THE DOTTED LINE 

Jews, Tentheads ink sand pact. 



Egypt and Israel 
have finally reached 
agreement on the Sinai 
Desert , a large parcel 
of useless real estate in 
North Africa, stolen 
by Israel from Gama! 
Nasser some nine 
years ago. "Who needs 
it?" said Israeli foreign 
minister Yigal Allon. 
"No ocean, no decent 
roads, no hotels. It's 
Golan we're really 
after. Ski-slopes, cha- 
lets, weekend cabins, 
the works." Egyptian 
Premier Anwar Sadat 
was also pleased with 
the deal u We Arabs 
like sand/' he com- 
mented in an inter- 
view, "We like to ride 
our camels around in 
it, and bury one an- 
other in it, and kick it 
in each other's faces." 
Sadat also sees the 
Sinai acquisition as 
signaling a tremen- 
dous boom in Egypt's 
principal export, egg 
timers. 

Nightsticks 

Chief points in the 
agreement include an 
understanding that 
conflict between the 
two parties shall not 
be resolved by military 
means except in cases 
involving soldiers and 
tanks. It also calls for 
the stationing of 200 
American "civilians" 
to keep the peace 
through an elaborate 
network of surveil- 
lance in the Sinai. The 
network will include a 
trip-wire running from 
north to south across 
the entire area and a 
number of closed-cir- 
cuit TV systems on 
loan from the A&P. 
Under the pact, the 
"civilians/ 1 who are to 
be equipped with 
nightsticks and foot- 
ball helmets, wilt be 
empowered to shout, 
"Hey, youl" at any sus- 
picious-looking person 
or tank that crosses the 
agreed-upon line. 



Dangerous 

Critics of the ac- 
cord, who see a dan- 
gerous parallel be- 
tween the commitment 
of Americans to the 
area and the commit- 
ment of 600 "advisers" 
to the govern me nt uf 
President Diem prior 
to the Vietnam war, 
were answered by Sec- 
retary of State Kis- 
singer at a snack given 
for him last night by 
the IJ'nai Brilh, "These 
people are not advis- 
ers" he insisted, "they 
are electricians, and 
we have been very 
careful to pick the 
kind of electricians not 
even Arabs would take 
advice From, Further* 
more, the situation is 
not the same as it was 
in Vietnam. Here we 
are working for both 
sides. Consequently, 
even if there was a war 
and we had to commit 
hundreds of thousands 



As a boy, Vice- 
President 

Nelson 
Rockefeller 
owned the 

debating 

team at 
Dartmouth 
University, 



of men to the area, 
both sides would lose." 

Triumph 

In the same speech, 
LSecretary Kissinger, 
who underwent a 
grueling schedule of 
shuttle trips back and 
forth from Cairo to 
Jerusalem to oversee 
the signing of the pact, 
described his role in 
the process as tf a 
triumph," "Speaking 
frankly," he said, 
"something I never do, 
my timing was superb. 
If Fd gone any sooner, 
they'd have kicked me 
out. And if I'd got 
there any later, they 
would have arranged it 
themselves." 

Mr. Kissinger is 
running for reappoint- 
ment tn 1976. 



EDITORIAL CARTOON 




SEC Drops Charges Against Ford 

In further developments resulting from the Sinai agreement, the 
Securities and Exchange Commission, which has been investigating 
charges. that high executives in multinational corporations routinely bribe 
foreign officials to obtain preferential treatment today dropped all charges 
against Gerald Ford, Vice-President in charge of Foreign Sales for the 
U.S. Government, Ford had been accused of offering the largest brihe 
in history, $3,3 billion, to high officials in the Israeli government in return 
for unspecified favors. While Ford has so far refused to say exactly what 
the favors were, he defended the bribe as "an essentia] part of doing busi- 
ness in this area, and of outbidding competitors," Investigators had 
pointed out, however, not only that the U.S. has no competitors in Israel, 
but that the only apparent favor the VS. received in return for the 
gratuity was a firm commitment from Israel to continue to exist, 

Mr. Ford is running for election in 1976, 



OIL CO'S TO GET FED HELP 



Following the extraordinary success of the 
Small Business Administration, a federal agency 
designed to help small businesses gel off the 
ground through federally guaranteed loans, the 
Administration today unveiled plans to set up 
a Large Business Administration,, designed to 
help corporate giants and multinationals in the 
same way. First off will be a new Energy 
Agency, authorized to make loans and grants 
of up to $100 billion to companies involved in 
oil, coal, natural gas, and other energy resources. 
In revealing the plans, Secretary Simon com- 
mented, "HeTe we are, throwing away billions of 
dollars on nonprofit enterprises such as mass 
transit, school lunches, and the National Park 
system, maintaining literally hundreds of unpro- 



Copyright©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



ductive industries, while these hard pressed 
corporations struggle on with only the odd tax 
break to keep their heads above water, and with- 
out a dime in federal aid." 

President 

President Ford, foreseeing prompt pas- 
sage by the Congress of a bill authorizing the 
new agency, described the situation in a slightly 
different way. H I feel we must think of America 
as a huge township. We need industry in this 
township and we have to make it attractive for it 
to stay. If we don't, we're merely going to lose 
that valuable industry to another municipality." 

Mr. Ford is running for election in 1976. 



HARVARD FELLAH 
SENDS FREUD 
TO SHOWERS 

Did you ever wake up in the morning 
and say to yourself, "Boy, am I ever a 
schmuck"? Do you feel depressed, wear 
braces, suffer from allergies, have a hard 
time scoring? 



Is your stomach 

queasy and do you 
have constant mi- 
graine, drive a late 
model Mercedes* or 
wear glasses? If you 
do, you're probably 
one of almost fifty-six 
million Americans 
who suffer from the 
newly discovered syn- 
drome, semitis. More 
properly a whole range 
of maladies (rather 
than a simple disease), 
semitis, like cancer, is 
an umbrella term 
which refers to a 
breakdown in genetic 
DNA. In an exclusive 
interview with the fa- 
ther of semitistic epi- 
demiology, Dr« Ahmed 
Fedaya, The National 
got the Jowdown on 
the latest advances in 
Semitic prophylaxis. 
The who's who of se- 
mitis reads like a ver- 
itable who's who. In 
addition to the ob- 
vious sufferers — Abe 
Beame, Woody Allen, 



Geraldo Rivera — 
there are also quite a 

few surprises among 
the list of notables af- 
flicted by chronic se- 
mitis — McLean Stev- 
enson* Floyd Patter- 
son, Warren Bcatty, 
Doc Medich, and El- 
liot Richardson, to 
name a few. In its less 
virulent form, contact 
semitis, every man, 
woman, and child in 
New York, Los An- 
geles, Chicago, Miami, 
Las Vegas, and Monti- 
cello, New York, has 
been stricken with the 
disease. When asked 
what can be done by 
public health officials 
to stem the tide of 
semitis, Dr, Fedaya 
threw up his hands 
and exclaimed, "Lord 
knows; the cure has 
been around for over 
thirty years, but Tm 
afraid it's going to be 
years more before we 
finally have the good 
sense to initiate it." 



Pic of the Month 








1 Ml. *~*t fl 




m^^ A 





01' Blue Balls is back. 




continued 

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 21 



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continued 




Sports Superstitions* The men who 

play little boys 1 games for gold are a 
credulous crowd who hope to woo Lady 
Luck with weird rites and bizarre amu- 
lets. Every fan knows that Joltin' Joe 
DiM aggie refused to change his "lucky" 
undershorts when he hit in fifty-six 
games straight, leaving behind him a 
streak well-nigh indelible. But other 
knights of the diamond had equally 
strange, if less famous, superstitions. 
Ted Kluszewski firmly believed that he 
would die if he ever went five for five at 
the plate. He of the brawny biceps often 
went down looking at a gopher ball in 
late innings rather than risk his life, and 
managers learned to pinch hit for the 
big KIu when he was hot. The most ir- 
rational fear of all was the one enter- 
tained by White Sox star Minnie Mino- 
so, who had been led to believe, by a 
witch doctor back home, that the letters 
of the alphabet were hex signs, Minnie 
refused to learn to read scoreboards, 
sports pages* or contracts. Consequent- 
ly he had no idea he was a great star, 
("Not so good today, Minnie, just a 
couple of doubles/' his manager would 
say, and the Mighty Mouse would vow 
to do better next time) , and the player 
many consider the greatest of them all 
never received more than $7,500 a 
season. 



Basketball play- 
ers, those exotics of 
the athletic world, 
have always been a 
superstitious lot His 
teammates seemed 
not to notice the ritu- 
al Wilt the Stilt un- 
derwent before every 
contest — Chamber- 
lain thought it nec- 
essary Lo burn a 
patch of hair from 
his body to ward off 
the gris-gris. Bill 
Russell, too, is a 
great believer in voo- 
doo, and used to con- 



duct a pregame cere- 
mony of sticking 
pins in dolls of the 
evening's opponents. 
By chance, Big Bill 
learned that the pins 
were even more effi- 
cacious when stuck 
in the actual bodies 
of his opponents dur- 
ing under- the-basket 
scuffles, and many a 
player has protested 
to a referee, "Hey, 
look, 1 got a hole in 
nty ass!" only to be 
told, "We all got a 
hole in our ass, bud- 



dy. Play ball!" 
Hockey is played, 

for the most part, by 
French Canadians, a 
primitive people, 
and great believers 
in Catholicism, 
curses, spells, and 
charms. It is consid- 
ered a "bad sign" for 
a defenseman to have 
any teeth, and all as- 
piring Montreal Ca- 
nadiens have 'em 
pulled before train- 
ing camp begins. 
Weirdest of all 
superstitions was 
one held by runner 
Jim Ryun. Before an 
important race, 
years ago, a distract- 
ed Jim walked out of 
a Woolworth's with- 
out paying for a ball- 
point he'd picked up. 
That afternoon, 
Ryun scorched the 
track, won his event 
going away, and 
broke a world's rec- 
ord. Thereafter, the 
clean-cut athlete was 
torn between the die- 
tates of his con- 
science and his will 
to win before each 
and every race. Con- 
science, in the form 
of a Woolco store de- 
tective, triumphed. 
But Jim has an attic 
full of trophies and 
ballpoints to remem- 
ber his days as a 
champion by. 

Red Hoia. Yours 

truly has never 
picked that stiff Ah 
(a.k.a. Cassius Clay) 
to win. . . . If Ram's 
QB Terry Bradshaw 
is so dumb, why does 
President Ford call 
him for advice before 
every important pol- 
icy decision?. , .Ten- 
nis is a natural sport 
for women to do well 
in — in this man's 
opinion, love has al- 
ways meant "noth- 
ing" to the distaff 
side. . . , Insiders still 
hoping to reopen the 
Ruffian assassina- 
tion scandal. , . . 
S*i You Think Y«u 
Kiujw Sporis? (An- 
swer to last month's 
question - Beats 
me!)l 



22 NATIONAL .LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Presenting Long Johns: 
One size fits all 




Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 



120s 



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But, the same price as 100s. 




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Filter? ?0 mo, "tar", 1.7 mg. nicotine; 

Menthol. 10 mg. "tar. 1.6 mg. nicotine; av. per cigereite by FTC mntM. 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



A-4QO Steceo Cassftte,-OeA 





design 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



A-400 

The 450 redefined the cassette deck as 
a true high fidelity component. That 
remarkable transport design generated 
a new found measure of respectability 
for the cassette format. 

Our engineers then 
determined that a vertical 
transport was best 



hi. ■" ' '"'" ! 




suited for a front load application. In 
terms of overall design integrity and 
mechanical stability. So rather than 
adapt one transport design to fit 
another need, we produced a 
completely new, highly streamlined 
mechanism. From the inside out. 
It's called the A-400. 

Twin rotary levers control the 
transport functions with smooth, 
positive cam action. Which means 
unnecessary mechanical linkages have 
been eliminated. You get peace of 
mind instead, because fewer moving 
parts assure greater reliability and 
long term dependability. 

Since the cassette loads vertically 
into the A-400, the adverse effect of 



gravity on the cassette package itself 
is eliminated. So tape jams are 
prevented and smooth, even tape 
packs are predictable. 

If new design concepts superbly 
executed appeal to you, put an 
A-400 through its paces* Just call 
(800) 447-4700* toll free for the name 
and location of your nearest TEAC 
retailer. You'll find that the A-400 
delivers definitive TEAC performance 
with the added convenience of a front 
load component. All by design. 
*In Illinois, call (800) 322-4400. 



TEAC 



The leader. Always has been. 

TEAC CORrOUATION OF AMERICA 7733 Telegraph Rvfcd, Montcbcllo, Cullf* 00640 
©TEAC 197C 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Every Dud, from the 1225 to theCS701, is 
designed to fulfill one basic concept: to provide more 
precision than you are ever likely to need, 

Perhaps this is why more component owners- 
audio experts, hifi editors, record reviewers and 
readers of the music/equipment magazines— own 
Duals than any other turntable, These serious music 
lovers, whose investment in records typically exceeds 
their investment in equipment, prefer Dual for only 
one reason. Quality. 

Until recently Dual quality has been available 
only with fully automatic turntables with both 
single-play and mutti-play facility. Now the choice is 
much broader. Of the seven Dual models, three are 
single-play only. Two of these are fully automatic; one 
is semi-automatic. Dual turntables also use all three 
types of drive systems; belt, rim and direct. 

The way a tonearm is moved to and from the 
record isnol critical Nor is th« type of driy© system. 
Whal is critical is how faithfully the tonearm permits 
the stylus to fol [low the contours of the groove and 
t how accurately and quietly the platter rotates. 

if precision performance and reliability are 
primary importance to you— as they should be— 
you'll find them in every Dual. 






Duo I 1225 



Dual 1225. Fully automatic, single-play/multi-play. Viscous damped 
cue control, pitch-control, 10%' plotter Si 39,95, less base, 
Dual 1226, with cast platter rotating single-play spindle, $169.95. 
Duol 1228, with gim bo I led tonearm. synchronous motor, 
Illuminated strobe, variable tracking angle, S199.95. 

Dual 1249. Fully automatic, single-play/multt-play Belt drive. 
12" dynamically-balanced plotter. 5279,95, less base. Full size 
belt-drive models include: Duol 510. semi automatic, S199.95; 
Duol 601. fully automatic $249.95 (Dual CS60I, with base 
and cover. $270.) 

Dual CS701- Fully automatic, single-play, D.C brushless, electronic 
direct drive motor; tuned anti-resonance filters, $400, 
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51 1249 




Dual 



United Audio Products, Dept. NL, 120 So. Columbus Ave,, Mt. Vernon N.Y 10553 

' r (jrtlwiw U.S DUTfibu lion Aflincy for Dwil 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



% 



In metropolitan cities the world 
over, there are small, flourishing en- 
claves of Canadians; clannish ex- 
patriates who cluster together amid 
strange surroundings to share the 
warmth of their common cultural 
background, or simply to share the 
warmth. One of the most famous of 
these cities within cities is New 
York's "Little Canada,': 

Located conveniently close to 
Manhattan's largest liquor store, 
Little Canada is home to hundreds, 
possibly thousands , of Canadians, 
many of who entered the country 
illegally and have neither working 
papers nor the political connections 
required to obtain them. These il- 
legal aliens eke out a living working 
for minimal wages in the restaurants 
and fur-tanning establishments op- 
erated by friends and relatives. Oc- 
casionally, U.S. immigration offi- 
cials will venture into Little Canada 
and collar an alien for deportation. 
However, of late they have been a 
little more circumspect, as the recent 
deportation of Canadian Prime 
Minister Pierre Elliot Trudeau's 
younger brother led to a deteriora- 
tion in diplomatic relations between 
the two countries and temporarily 
put a halt to U.S; plans to purchase 
all of Canada's rivers. 

So, largely protected from outside 
interference, minimum wage laws, 
Medicare, and an excess of money, 
they lead a separate existence 
amidst the cheeping and warbling 
of American society. Theirs is a 
mysterious world of steamy kitch- 
ens and frosty windows that few 
Americans have ever penetrated, 
Even Americans who have known 
Canadians for years barely under- 
stand the workings of their minds or 
feet. A visitor to Little Canada can 
only hope to scratch the surface of 
this strange, cloudy world. A meal 
at a Canadian food joint, perhaps, or 
a brief stop at one of the many tiny 
shops that hearken back, if not to 
another age, at least to another cli- 
mate. Strangers are never invited 
into the back rooms, where the men 
of the beaver lodge dream up new 
laws, sport colorful toques, and 
smoke cigarettes that taste like 



forest fires. They see only the most 
superficial aspects of this society, 
and come away knowing little more 
than they did before. Few care to 
look deeper, and few Canadians 
would he prepared to help them if 
they did. For the Canadian distrusts 
the outside world and fears the inter- 
ference of others with his laws and 
customs. Of course, there are always 
a few who are willing to sacrifice 
their loyalty to the group for a price 
— take me, for example — and due 
to the deprived economic circum- 
stances of the Canadian, usually not 
a very big price. 

The people of Little Canada are 
about as independent as you can get 
prior to dying. They are governed 
by their own "beaver lodge," trade 
by their own rules, and are tried hy 
their own laws; in short, they live 
their lives in accordance with the 
little known, little understood "code 
of the north." 

The doors are never locked in Lit- 
tle Canada, and a Canadian over- 
come by fatigue is welcome to enter 
his neighbor's house at any time and 
make himself comfortable; and it is 
j lot uncommon for a homeowner to 
return and find a stranger asleep in 
the bathtub. This is quite acceptable, 
according to the code of the north, 

wu ft mtcd on t>qge 3fl 



WE INVENTED A PEN 
THAT DOESN'T WRITE 



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Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 27 



continued from page 8 

PF" Ecstatic kitchenette from Do 
Not Enter, British Columbia!!! 
Helen Hayes pregnant. Liberace 
strikes again!!! 

W Super-shivery late Stuart Coro- 
mandel day bed from Mumps, 
Ore J!! When religious pistachio 
Kathryn Kuhlman speaks, she spits 
frogs. T.V. viewers have joyed to 
see them. Kuhlman explains: "Thee 
reason I spit frogs (there goes one!) 
is because 1 eat frogs. They are my 
soul diet, as opposed to of worms." 
(Flop.) "No, I do not Religious 
Digest them immediately. Once I 
eat them, they stay in my stomach 
and eat one another. I feed off their 
offal, yum, and thee frogs I spit are 
their offspring which have their 
Genesis within. They leap from my 
lips, thee little Angels (look at 'em 
jump!), and keep my breath Pure. 
And I thank Thee Stars Above my 
addiction is not alligators! " 
mr Whirligig Queen Anne lowboy 
from Exxon, Conn.!!! Knopf will 
publish The Leo Duroaher Book of 
Baseball Etiquette in May!!! Nihil 
obstat quonimus imprimatur. 
U^* Shocking bombe cabinet from 
Amyl Nitrate, La.!!! Manhattanitcs 
have been wondering what all that 
landfill off Wall Street into the bay 
is in aid of. The truth may now be 
told!! Dr, Tibor Rosenbaum, the 



man who broke Israel's credit in 
attempting to turn the Tenuta di 
Capocotta green belt estate into a 
Roman hotel resort, is mastermind- 
ing an extension of the South Ferry 
to Liberty Island. This penile-in- 
sula, once erect, will home an 
amusement park such as to make 
Disneyland look like a panhandler's 
windshield wipe. The landfill will 
be skirted by beach packed down to 
accommodate an autoracing loop, 
for which Miss Lib will provide 
the western pylon. Neat thinking, 
Tabor, and fresh bucks for Beame- 
ended Gotham!!! 

S^ Ravishing escritoire from 
Flung, China!!! Rumors that poet 
novelist Janet Burro way has been 
detained at the Hungarian border 
have been squelched utterly!!! 

W" Plash Windsor chair from 
Claque, N.M.IH Doris Day has be- 
come a Negro!!! Instead of face- 
liftings, the latest fad among Holly- 
wood stars is change of race. 
"Changing race/' says Do-Do, 
"gives a youthening effect. Almost 
all the races look younger than the 
Aryan at thirty-six, which is my 
present age, and which, I trust, will 
now remain my present age." Only 
the face is changed in the exciting 
trendy S. Cal. operation. The body 



* J \r jf 







$\<>$$m 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



remains as before. Doris showed 
Birdbath her bod, completely di- 
gressed of its garb, which had con- 
sisted of a pantsuit composed en- 
tirely of dog noses. Doris is a dog 
lover, and has the world's largest 
collection of dog noses. That glassy 
lampshade, that prune-textured set- 
tee. Other stars who have under- 
gone race-lifts are James Cogney» 
Esquimeau, William Shatner, Indo- 
Bengali, Beatrice Arthur, Jap, and 
Sammy Davis, Jr„ Black!!! 
ar Gargantuan walnut cheval fire- 
screen from Payola, Tex.!!! Pele 
plays soccer!!! 

®T Consummate Murphy bed from 
Lili St-Cyr-sur-Oise, France!!! The 
Tim Buckley autopsy has definitely 
proven that Tim died of old age. 
Confusion as to the demise of the 
famed rock star fountained from a 
misprint on his age on press re- 
leases early in his career, errors he 
did nothing to quell, the rogue. 
Listed age twenty-eight at. death, 
he was actually age eight- two, and 
well might have he tied to his 
Maker's bos long before now. So 
long> Tim, Keep harpin'H! 
IW** Spacey Regency chest-on-ehest 
sectional from There's No, Paper 
In Here, Neb.!!! Vicky SI act or was 
spied at The Bottom Line doling 
out brownies to table-nabes. Brownie 
points for Vicky, V all success to 
yaVA 

W" Startling Hepplewhite side- 
board from Unc, Arizona!!! Cyd 
( She- came-at-me-in-sections- more- 
curves- than-a-scenic-rail way-she- 
was-bad-she-was-dangerous-I- 
wouldn't-trust-hcr-any-further-than- 
I -could -throw -her -she- was-selling - 
hard-but-I-wasnVbuying-yet-she- 
was - my - kind -o*- woman) Charisse 
has given up biting her fingernails!!! 
W* Hilarious Aubusson wombchair 
from Rude Awakening, Devon- 
shire!!! The death of Marlene Die- 
trich onstage at the Tobasco Inn 
last month was greeted with a 
standing ovation. And too, like 
Elizabeth I and Alexander the 
Great, Marlene chose to die stand- 
ing. She was propped up between 
two broadswords, bathed in Zeig- 
field-pink babyspots and Octagon 
detergent for dishes bubbles. After 
the final cacophonous rattle had 
pasted itself on immortality, a tiny 
five-year-old girl in a yellow pina- 
fore rushed to the stage. She sat on 
Marlene's left foot, hugged her calf, 
and said, "Cornflower!" Marlene 
will perform at The Sands in 
March and then vacation in Mar- 
tinique. 

WC Next month: How Charlotte 
Cushman really learned "The 
Hustle"!!! 

R. Bruce Moody 




OCTOBER, 1971/BACK TO SCHOOL: With tho Mad parody, Rodrlguee' Hire 
tho Hnndicnpped, Mnnloal Misery Tour, Tho Campus War Game, School of 
Hard Soli, and 125th Stroot. 

DECEMBER, 1971 /CHRISTMAS: With Jessica Christ, Blind-Date Comics. This 
Is Vouf Life , , . Frnncis Gary Powerc, The Rueoian Gift Catalogue, and Edi- 
torial Fantasies. 

MARCH, 1972/ESCAPEI With Hitlar In Paradise, the California Supplorn&nt, 
celebrity sulci do notes, the Pepiilon parody, Swan Song of tho Open Road, 
and doing It with dolphins. 

APPJL, 1972/25TH ANNIVERSARY: With tho '58 Buigemobilea, Tho Playboy 
Fallout Shelter, Commie Plot Comics, Froritifno Dontifits, Third Hfl&e, the 
Dating Newspaper, and Amos 'n' Andy. 

MAY, 1972/MEN1 With How to Score with Chicks, The Men"£ Pages, Germain a 
Spllifllne, Stacked Like Me, Norman the Barbarian, and Tho Zircon As Big As 
tho TafL 

JULY, 1072/SUHPR)SEI Wilh Third World Comics, the Refugee pages, the 
Little Black Book of Chairman Mao, How to Ho n He-Man, sermonette, and 
Col. JJnoo's Book ol Big Ships. 

AUGUST, 1972/THE MIRACLE OF DEMOCRACY: With True Pohllcs magazine, 
Tho Coronation of King Cick, Gahan Wilson's Miracle or Seniority, and Tales 
of ine South cornice. 

SEPTEMBER 1972/BOHEDOM: With The Wide World of Moat, Our White 
Heritage, eiand Hotel, me I Chink, National Geographic parody, and the 
President's Brother comic. 

OCTOBER, 1972/REMEMBER THOSE FABULOUS SIXTIES? With Bob Dylan 
and Joan Baez in Zimmerman comics, Tom Wolte in Watts, and a long- 
suppressed Roiling Stones album. 

NOVEMBER, 1&72/DECADENCE: WUh Sgt. Shrivar's Bleeding Hearts Glut? 
Band, Defeat Day, the Meat Chess Set. me Fetish Supplement, and Adial 
Stevenson in Hemnants-of-Dignity Comics. 

DECEMBER, 1972/EASTER: With Son-O'-God comics #3, Chris Miller's Gift 
of the Magi, Great Moments in Chess, Diplomatic Etiquette, and ihe Special 
Irish Supplement. 

JANUARY, 1973/DEATH; With The Adventures Of Deadman. PiayrJead maga- 
zine, Children's Suicide Letters to Santa, the Last-Aid Kit, plus Bobble Flshnr 
Shows You How to Beat Death, 

MARCH, 1973/SWEETNHSS AND LIGHT: With the National Insplrer, tha 
Young Adorables, My Own Stamp Album, Pharmacopoeia, and Ntr:e Things 
About Nixon, 

APRJL, 1973/PRFJUDICE: With Anll-nutch Hale Utaratum, AH In rie Fambly, 
The Shame of the North, Profiles In ChoppHri liver, Surprise Poster #4, and 
tvory maga7lnn, 

MAY, 1973/FRAUD; With the Miracle Monopoly Ghenilng Kit, Borrow This 
Book, The Privileged Individual Income Tax Return, Hod Gahan Wilson's 
Curse nf the Mandarin. 

JUNE, 1973/V10LENCE: With the seven Sucre! Japanese Technlquus of Self 
Dnfenne, Kit *n Kebnodle Ccmics, Gun Lust Muguztrie, and Rodriuunx' 
HemoptiuiinitiH. 

JULY, 1973/SCJENCE AND TECHNOLOGY: Wilh Popular Workbench, Techno- 
Tactics, Nun-Pol lu tf no Puwer Sources, National Science Fair Projects, and 
Ilia Jersey Oily Exposiilcri uf Progress, ImlustUy & Freedom, 
AUGUST, 1973/STRANGE BELIEFS: With Psychology Today parody, Son»o'- 
Gud Comics #3. Gahan Wilson's Strange Beliefs uE Children, and Rcbineton's 
Fuzz Against Bunk. 

SEPTEMBER, 1973/POSTWAR: With Life parody, Nazi Regalia for Gracious 
Living, Whltedove comics, Vichy Supplement, Guerre M&gazine, and Military 
Trading Cards. 

OCTOBER, 1973/BANANA ISSUE. WHAT?: With Saga of the Frozen North, 3. 
Gordon Uddy-Agent of C.n\E.E,P„ Amtrak Model Train Catalog, Talcs of 
MoKzlln Hiqh School, The Don Juan School of Sorcery, and B, Klib&n's Turk. 
NOVEMBER! 1973/SP0RTS; With Sports illustrated parody, Character Building 
Comics, Doc Foeney's Scrapbook of Sports Oddities, Specialty Sports Mag- 
azines, 1976 Olympic Preview, Al 'Tantrum'* O'NoN'd Tomper Tips, and 
Rat Day. 

DECEMBER, 1873/5ELF-JNDULGENCE: With Ihe National Lampoon Building. 
Our Sunday Comics, Mo Magazine, An Anglo-Saxon Christmas, Practical Jokes 
for the Very Rich, How Ed Subitzky Spent His Summer, and ^oenbeaf. 
MARCH, 1974/STUPID: With the Stupid Aptitude Teat, Ksncer Kare KoamOtics, 
The Stupid Group, and stupid News & World Report. 

APRIL, 1374/TRAVEL^ with Gahan Wilson's Paranoid Abroad, Airline Magazine. 
Arnlsh In Space, RMS 'Tyrannic* Brochure, 146 Countries You Can't Visit, and 
Wuluorno to Chewsuuurg. 

MAY, 1974/SOlh ANNIVERSARY: Wilh 5urw>'-God Meats Zhnmsfrnan, New 
Butgemoblles, Da Vinci's Notebook VuL J I, Another True Western Romance, 
Rodriguoa* I landlcapped Sporte, and National Anthems Encores. 



JUNE, 1974/FOOD; With The Cooking of Provincial New Jersey, mighty 
Waddiers Megazine t The Joys of Wlfe-Tuting, Digester's Reader, and A Brief 
Guide to America's Top New Bating Spots, 

JULY, 1074/DESSERT; With Famine Clrola Magazine, Gabon Wilson's Boby 
Food, Corporate Farmers' Almanac, Rodriguoa 1 Go3tronomlquo Comlquo, and 
Guns nod Sendwiehco Magazine. 

AUGUST, 1974/ISOLATIONISM AND TOOTH CARE; With Agnew's A Very Siz- 
able Advance, Seed Magazine, Executive Deleted, Soul Drinks, Surprise Poster 
#7, and True Menu. 

SEPTEMBER, 1974/OLD AGE: With Unexciting Stories, Rodrlgues* Senior Sex, 
Old Ladles' Homu Journal, and Bat fart Curnms. 

OCTOBER, 1974/PUBESCENCE; with VD Comics, Nancy Draw Meets Patty 
Hearst, Masturbation Funnies, and Tampon P&rlod Piece, 
N0VEM9ER, 1974/ClVICSs With The Rockefeller Art Collection, Prison Farm, 
Constitutional Comics, and Watergate Down. 

JANUARY, 197S/NO ISSUEr With Negligent Mother Magazine, Bruce MoCafl'a 
Zeppelfn, First High Comlca, Watergate Trivia Teat, and Night of the Icelesa 
Dapadea. 

FEBRUARY, 1975/LOVE AND ROMANCE: With American Bride Magazine, Going 
Dawn and Getting Off wilh Brando, Hlstorle de Arnor, An Evening at Dingle-' 
berries, and Thn St, Valentine's Day Massacre. 

March, 1975/ good-bye TO ALL THAT; with Baroar and His Enemies, Gone 
With the Wind '75, Englandland, The '75 Nobele, The Hotel Throckmorton, and 
The New Yorker Parody. 

APRJL, 1975/CAn SICKNESS; With Warm ftod Magazine, Henry Ford's Diary, 
Deep, the Bad Utile Dus, The 190G Bulge Buggies, The Tunnel Policemen's 
Ball, and Gahan Wilson's Shoes. 

MAY, 1975/MEDICIME: Wflh Nations! Sore, Terminal Flatulence, Blue Cross 
In Peace end War, rorirfguns* Comadlcs, and Our Wonderful Bodies. 
JUNE, 1&75/RAJNY DAY JSSUEi With Boy O Boy Magazine, Edward Gorey'8 
The Woreled Monster, Parlourbook, Orgygaml, and Cloo. 

JULY, 1075/3-D ENTERTAINMENT: With FagHag Mag, The Veapera ol 1610, 
Hollywood, Hooray, Mel Drooks la God, Airport *69, and Glitter Buma. 
AUGUST, 1975/JUSTICE: WUh the flocketeller Alllca Reporl, Code of Ham- 
rriurabL Citizen's Arrest Magazine, Inherit Their Wind, and World Night Court, 
SEPTEMBER, 1975/BACK TO COLLEGE: Wilh the Vassar Yearbook, Football 
Preview, Scnoiasiic Scams, Academic Ploys, Wacky Stuff, Zany Monkeyahlnea, 
and the Esquire Parody. 

OCTOBER, 1975/COLLECTOR'S ISSUE: With Pornography for the Dumb, Under- 
wear for the Deaf, Myth and Legend Mirror, the Mayo Clinic, and Cuban Homo 

I I Mil. 

r 



THE NATIONAL LAMPOON 

Dept. NL.1175. 635 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022 

Send me 1he following: 



No. of copies Issue 

OcL, 1971 

Dec, 1971 

Mflr,, 1972 

, Apr,, 1972 

, May, 1973 

. July, 1972 

Aug., 1972 

Sept. t 1B73 

Oct., 1972 

Nov., 1372 

Dec, 19/2 

Jan., 1973 

Mar., 13/3 



I enclose a total of $_ 



Ho. of copfas Issue 
Apr., T973 

May, 1973 

, Juno, 1973 

. . July, 1073 

. Aug., 1973 

, Sept., 1973 

. Oct., 1973 

Nov., 1973 

_ Doc, 1073 

Mar., 1974 

„ Apr., 1974 

. . May, 1974 

June, 1974 

July, 1074 



No. uf copies Issue 

Aug., 1974 

S»pt„ 1974 

Oct., 1974 

NOV,, 1374 

.. Jan., 1975 

, Feb., 1975 

_ Mar,, 1975 

, Apr., 1975 

. May, 1975 

June, 1975 

JuJy, 1 975 

_, Aug., 1976 

, . Sept., 1975 

■ Oct., 1975 



.at $1 for each copy requested. 



This amount covers purchase plus shipping and handling. 

My name.. 

A d d r ess 

City 



_State_ 



-Zip- 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



You have to do more than 
move air to make a little 
speaker sound as good as a 
floor standing giant. 

Ordinary speakers need 
large volumes of air inside 
[That's why most little speakers 
don't sound so good.] 

David isn't ordinary. 
There are elfectiveiy. no air 
chambers al all, 

Instead. Motional Feed- 
back, (a Philips exclusive) lets 
David listen to itself, And in- 
stantly correct any distortion 

Two matched power 
amplifiers are inside (bi-amp!ifi- 
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one meter One for the woofer. 
The other for the mid-range 
and tweeter. No other amplifier 
is needed. But David will 
work with all receivers and 
component systems. 

Atl that power, Motronal 
Feedback and a three-way 
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Tell your audio dealer you 
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i AUDIp VIDEO SYSTEMS CORR 



Gutsy 
little David. 

Motional Feedback,™ 
bi-amplificatioa 3-way system. 
That's how a package 
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PHILIPS 




■ Leroy Anderson, an inmate of the 
MolmesburjT Prison in Philadelphia, 
filed a complaint about the quality 
and quantity of toilet paper issued 
to him* In a petition he drew up 
and filed in the U,S. District Court 
at Philadelphia, Anderson asked the 
court to order Prison Superintend- 
ent Louis S. Aytch to "withdraw 
from this cruelty" ,and award him 
$20>000 in "cash American money." 

According to the penal and cor- 
rectional institution rules, Anderson 
claims he has been denied his right 
"to have and use (without restraints 
and difficulties) the necessary serv- 
ice paper as is his requirement 
under the present hygiene standards 
of himself." 

Each cell is issued one roll a week 
for up to three prisoners, and one 
roll is not enough, said Anderson. 

The? paper is of such poor quality 
that "the material does do damage 
to the tender parts of the body for 
which it is used," Anderson 's peti- 
tion claimed. Because of the tissue's 
poor quality, toilets get clogged and 
have to be cleaned out by plumbers, 
he added. 

In a final plea for sufficient quan- 
tity and quality of tissue* Anderson 
said, "Petitioner shall forever pray." 
Philadelphia Bulletin (J. Scoblmk) 

• Mitchell Allen Williams, thirty- 
eight, of Indiantown, Florida, sur- 
vived a traffic accident that com- 
pletely demolished his pickup truck, 
then plunged fifty feet to his death 
when he leaned too far over a 
guardrail in an attempt to recuper- 
ate from the mishap. 

State troopers reported that wit- 
nesses saw Williams* truck run 
across the median on State Road 
710 and skid several feet on the 
wrong side of the highway before 
striking the end of the overpass 
bridge. The truck was totaled, hut 
Williams, the only passenger* ap- 



peared unharmed when he climbed 
out of the wreckage and walked 
over to the guardrail. 

Williams seemed to be recuperat- 
ing from the accident when he 
apparently leaned too far over the 
rail and fell over. The guardrail re- 
mained intact Tampa Tribune (J. 
Duket) 

» A twenty- two -year- old steel work- 
er in Belfast, Northern Ireland was 
hospitalized recently with a frac- 
tured skull, broken pelvis, broken 
leg, and other injuries after being 
struck by four vehicles within two 
minutes. 

Bob Pinnegan was crossing the 
street when a taxi struck him and 
flung him over its roof. The taxi 
drove away, and, as Finnegan lay 
stunned in the road, a car ran into 
him, bowling him into the gutter. 
It, too, drove on. 

While pedestrians gathered at the 
scene, a small van plowed through 
the crowd, leaving behind three in- 
jured bystanders and an even more 
battered Finnegan. When a fourth 
vehicle came along, the crowd scat- 
tered and only one man was hit — 
Finnegan. 

Hospital officials say Finnegan 
will recover. Chicago Sun Times 
(N. DeBrown) 

• A bandit accidentally shot him- 
self dead when he tried to stuff 
about $20G into a coat pocket with 
the same hand he used to carry his 
gun. 

The unidentified gunman had 
stolen the money from a Newport, 
Rhode Island, restaurant. "He was 
trying to put the money in his coat 
pocket when the gun went off/' 
Walter Nickerson, restaurant man- 
ager, explained. "He had the money 
in a bag in the same hand with the 
gun, and the gun went off right 
under his chin, pointed straight up/* 

Witnesses told police the robber 
appeared "very nervous." Democrat 
and Chronicle (Rochester, N.Y.) 
(K, Scheuch) 

• A thirty-seven-year-old Califor- 
nian reported to the police that a 
man dressed in black and carrying 
"a big knife" broke inlo his home 
and forced him to smoke two packs 
of Pall Mall Gold. The intruder 
then left. Santa Barbara N&wnpresa 
(D. Swords) 



A one-year subscription or the 

equivalent value in National Lam- 
poon products will be given for items 
used. Send entries to: True Facts, 
National Lampoon, 635 Madison 
Ave.. N.Y., N.Y. 10022. In the event 
of duplications, the earliest post- 
mark is selected. 



aft NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



The Game of the Name. 



It seems strange that in this age of 
increasingly sophisticated stereo 
enthusiasts, you still meet plenty 
of people who think that ihe two 
most important components of 
any hi-fi unit are the name on its 
faceplate and the number on its 
price-tag, 

Which is not to say that the 
high-priced celebrities are all 
show and no go, 

Yet we believe that what 
distinguishes audio gear is how 
much you get for what you pay 
Which is why we spend more 
time and money improving 
our products than 
promoting them, Why 
we utilize only the 
finest componentry, 
and avoid the 
gimmicks. 

And why, especially, we can 
offer the highest performance- 
per-dollar ratio in the industry. 

Consider the specs, for 
example ( on our Model SEL-400 
Stereo Control Amplifier. 

With an RMS output of 85 watts 
per channel (both channels 
driven @ 8 ohms, 20-20,000 Hz; 
Maximum Total Harmonic 
Distortion, no more than 0.25%), 




the 400 is easily one of the more 
powerful units of its type on the 
market, 

Within its price range, it is the 
most powerful. 

That alone is impressive. But 
even more so, when coupled with 
its built-in Dynaquad matrixing 
circuit (which permitsa simulation 
of 4-channel sound so accurate 
that it's hard to tell from the real 



thing). Plus our exclusive ISOP 
(Impedance Sensing Overload 
Protection) Circuitry, And fully 
complementary Darlington direct- 
coupled amplifier circuitry, fur 
extended high and low-end 
response, 

No other amp that can do as 
much as well and as dependably 
costs as little. 

But rather than have us tell you 
about it, visit your Sherwood 
dealer. Compare our specs and 
prices with those of any other 
brands. And hear for yourself 
the difference performance- 
per-dollar engineering 
makes. 

One good listen will 
spell it out more 
clearly than a 
thousand words, 

Sherwood Electronic Laboratories 
4300 N. California Ave. 
Chicago, Illinois 60618 



i ® 



SHERWOOD 

The word is getting around. 





The optional cabinet shown is constructed ot 
plywood with a walnut veneer covering. 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



HOW TO 
PICK UP RECORDS! 




PICK UP RECORDS ANY- 
W HER l£t in record stores, 
department stores, FXsl It's 
actually simpJer Ih&fi you 
ever dreamed, if at all! 
HFY, LOOK, HERE'S WHAT 
YOU DO. OKAY? YuU listen- 
ing? Okay, Look at the photo- 
graph. You see the five 
records In the photograph? 
Those are the ones you pick 
up. Easy? Nothing to It! 

FIVE FANTASTIC NEW 
ALDUMG! 

LEON REDBONE shows yuu 
HOW TO MAKE SHYNESS 
WORK FOR YOU! Nobody 
knows how old Leon is, or 
where he's from, or what his 
real name fs . . . and he's not 
saying. But his first album, 
ON THE TRACK, produced 
by Joel Porn, is an incredible 
TOUR DE FORCE of early 
20th Century blues, pop and 
ragtime I • WHY BANDS 
GFT HORNY TOWER OF 
POWER put together the 
heaviest horn section in R&B 
so they could make authentic 
Oakland funk a household 
sound . . . with such hit singles 
as "Down to the NlghtrJub" 
^You're StEII a Young Man:' "So 
Verv Hard to Go" and 'What 
Is Hip?" Tower's new album, 
IN THE SLOT, is their hottest 
ever I • 12GREAT OPENING 
L.INES! Yes, JIMMY CUFF'S 
new album, FOLLOW MY 
MIND, has 12 great son^ 
openings , . . 12 great middles 
. , . 12 great closings! Those 
of you who saw Jimmy Clitf 
in the film 1 HE HARDER 
THFY COME knnw what 
we're Lctlkipig about! • HOW 
TO SUCCEED IN SINGLES' 
OARS, With the best drinking 
music ever recorded, of 
course: COMMANDER CODY 
AND HIS I OST PI ANFT 
AIRMEN'S newest, TALES 
FROM THE OZONE t • HOW 
TO GIVE A WOMAN MULTI- 
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something BONNtE NAl I I'S 
coast-to- coast audiences 
have known about for years 
, . . now you can. too, with 
her new album, HOME 
PLATE! 



HOW TO LISTEN TO A SINGLE RECORD! 

IMAGINE BEING SUCH A GREAT 
LISTENER PEOPLE CAN SEE IT IN 
YOUR FEET! 

Not only will these five greeit new Warner 
Bros, albums entertain you for hours and 
hours . . . they'll also teach you the listen- 
ing techniques that will turn you into the 
kind of record buff that people just love to 
have come over and buff their records 
for them! 



Here are just a few of the fabulous techniques 
you'll master: 

How to avoid 
getting yourftngerprfnts 
" over the record 



How to know 
exactly when to 
take the- record 

oft the; lurmabie. 



How to "road 1 

intimate details of 

the record's 

tune titles 

timings and 

publishing..* 

just by looking! 




All five of these fanlastie 
records are available now . 
in identifiable wrappers . . . 
from Warner Bros. 
Records and Taptss! 



For art enormous poster of this ad {sorry, no moving parts), send 250 to Pick-Up Poster, P.O. Box 6868, Burbank, California 91510. 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




My Wrigglies, 

Greetings from your only Baba 
and the wide open spaces of His 
teeth and Nebraska — birthplace of 
the very famous Mr. Johnny Car- 
son and the increasingly less so Mr. 
Dick CavettI Hu. 

As your little old truth vendor 
deftly aims His India-red Tur bo- 
Oar rera Porsche, this very flat 
amount of aptly-named "the Mid- 
west" rushes by unbroken save for 
an occasional blurred A & W root 
beer stand or snatch of denim 
thumbing away from home. 

Not for nothing is Nebraska 
known among top fturus as the 
Land of the Perpetual Dragstrip — 
an excellent opportunity to wind 
out fine German iron and, upon 
misoccasion, Baba's turban, which 
billows behind Isadora Duncanlike 
as a gay thankyou to police escort 
even now diminishing in Baba's 
bullet-shattered rearview. (Comer 
softly, but drive with a lead sandal 
— B, Raisin.) 

And indeed, so excellently does 
this iurban-eareener'.s rack-and-pin- 
ion steering grip this changeless 
500-mile stretch that one entire 
hand may be set aside for this long 
overdue Newsletter, while yet an- 
other may be devoted to fine tuning 
of the internaHonally-expensivc-yet- 
fun Ms. Julie Christie, who, your 
Baba is in no way distressed to re- 
late, now sits nextward on her fine- 
ly-bucketed seat (At the speaking 
of which, Ms, Christie has just now 
informed Baba that the finely- 
crafted bucket featured in the 
Shampoo party sequence was in fact 
not Mr. Warren Beatty's, but, upon 
cameraman's special request, Ms, 
Christie's, as it proved superior 
both in firmness and bounce to cine- 
matic ounce. You hear it first from 
Baba, no lie yes?) 

Continued 



Our new 96 page catalog 

reveals the inside scoop on 

B-l-C turntables, speakers 

& other tasty stuff. 



Meet Brillo Bob, permanently wired audio 
freak of Warehouse Sound Co. He's pumped 
up about the new EH*C 940 turntable and 
just twituhin' Lu fill you in on it. Last 
year he jilted his manual when B*I*C 
introduced the first professional belt 
driven-multiple-play turntable, 

Wow they've produced a no-frills model 
for only S f 09? Bub thinks everyone 
into music should find oul about fVf*C 
turntables ond speakers. Catling 
805/544-9700 and asking for 
Brillo, Larry or Don, or dropping 
this coupon in the mail is the 
best way to get the latest scoop 
on B'I*C - and the lowest prices 
on all stereo gear! 

Our 96 page color catalog 
is hot off the press! 
Send along Si for postage and 
you'll also reneiue the 197G 
edition of the Music Ma- ^ 
chine Almanac! It's a 
full-color lb 0-page 
reference guide to 
stereo and quad 
equipment, complete 
with photos and specifications 
on over 37 brands. 
MUSICIANS: Our new cata- 
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professional sound equipment.' 

Call 806/S44-9700 

or write: Railroad Square. Bwx 
Sarv Luis Ubispo, Ca, yy^US 




tmf\\ 




□ 



Enclosed is St for your 
Catalog, Music Machine 
Almanac and Bd-C lit- 
erature, sent via 
priority first class mail. 



WAREHOUSE 
SOUND Co. 

Railroad Square, PO Box "S" 
San Luis Obispo, Ca, 93/105 



□ 



Just 7ip mn your frRR 
Catalog and EH*C pro- 
duct literature via 
third class mail. 



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Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON &l 



Baba Rum Raisin 

continued 



This superior auto, you may now 
peep up, how did it fall into Thy 
humble, grasp, oh Baba? 

In the facts, the Porsche belongs 
to Mr. Uri Geller, my babies, whom 
Baba will one day show the secret 
of duplicating keys. As For Ms, 
Christie, she belongs only to her- 
self, and, she teases her own Baba 
to add, occasionally to the world, 
yes no? 

Now, as the Lip that raised a 
thousand flags replaces Linda Ron- 
stadt in the fine Blaupunkt tape- 
deck with the more spiritually nu- 
tritious "Beachboys' Greatest Hits, n 
Ms. Christie further agrees to han- 
dle Baba's stick shift as He types, 
providing indeed good vibrations 
for all concerned. 

Now, as Ms, Christie performs 
her deft double clutch, your spir- 
itual ambassador without balanced 
portfolio brings you yet another 
"Dear Baba" column, free of charge 
to all fan clubbers in good standing. 
(It is warned that all not in good 
standing — by which Baba means 
those sitting on their dues— these 
must not read the following or be- 
come Star of own fright movie Yaws, 
This is not an idle threat, Mr. 
Timmy Mayer of 2234 Locust Drive, 
Burlington, VU At least in no man- 
ner as idle as certain gumpies have 
been in their pittance remittance!) 

What many of you cagier 
young people may be wishing 
to learn is how came this fine auto, 
this bullet-spitting pursuit? It be- 
gan when the phone rang at Ms, 
Christie's Plaza suite (with excel- 
lent view of Central Park and a ma- 
jority of the corpses) and the noise 
at the other end proved to be Lhe 
top assistant to the very fine Tom 
Snyder "Tomorrow Show." The 
noise issued from a female person 
of a variety often found about such 
men as these— adept both at talking 
quickly and — if Baba's ears wore 
not mistaken— cracking cashews 
with a portion of her anatomy more 
often associated with soup than 
nuts. Fish soup if you catch Baba's 
humble drifting. 

Would Baba appear with Mr. Uri 
Geller tonight? Would He bring 
some spoons and keys? Would He 
bring own carfare and Cremora? 
Would He be sure to wear a clean 
blue dhoti? 

Remembering manager Mr. Morty 
Taumicbaum's belief that "The 
only bad publicity is your obit," 
Baba accepted, and, parking pedi- 
cab with large youths outside NBC 
building who then ate same, ran. 
Inside, Baba and Ms. Christie were 



greeted by the noise person who 
indeed emitted a pungent fragrance 
not unlike pecan chowder and led 
Him to the make-up room where 
Mr. Geller already sat having his 
hair bent into shape while he oc- 
cupied the remainder of his person 
melting girders with schpritzes 
from his fine boutonniere. Also did 
he carefully Q-Tip tiny dentist mir- 
rors grafted in his fine ears for 
reasons of ESP. 

While we awaited Mr. Snider, 
Mr. Geller and Baba passed the 
time guessing each other's weight 
and checking balances. (Mr, Geller 
was accurate save in the correct 
color of ink.) In addition, Mr. 
Geller attempted to guess the con- 
tents of Baba's coin purse while 
distracting Baba with a Vocal Pro- 
jection technique known only to 
those familiar with the advertise- 
ments in early Superman comical 
booklets. 

Before Baba could utter the 
Curse of 10,000 Dingleberries upon 
Mr, Geller's business end, Ms, Soup- 
of-the-Month announced air time 
and we were introduced to Mr. 
Slymer fSIymer Spyder Snydly 
what is his name?) who, similarly 
to Mr. Geller, enjoys a hairdo not 
unlike certain unsuccessful 1940s 
attempts at sportscar design behind 
the Iron Curtain, If this be a fib, 
Baba humps un ripened figs. 

As the questions began them- 
selves, Mr. Geller immediately 
upped the staging of Baba by 
bending numerous objects, including 
paper clips, licorice whips, and 
ob v iously - ta m per ed - wi th Flay - vor 
Straws. All this much to the delight 
of Mr. Snottcr who, being an ar- 
dent Catholic, has seen many such 
miraculous events is this not the 
case? Baba Himself, Baba regrets 
to report, was treated with less than 
due respect — an unfortunaney early 
indicated by His introduction by 
Mr. Sneaker as a pile of undone 
laundry. 

Baba, displeased, offered to bend 
both their necks wrong wards by 
means of physical force alone (a 
method Baba has observed in many 
Tibetan drnnktanks) hut was inter- 
rupted by Mr. Shyster's interesting 
anecdote concerning a mystical ex- 
perience he enjoyed himself by 
means of a confessional and for- 
merly clean handkerchief. 

During a commercial break when 
Mr. Geller and Mr. Stymie ex- 
changed compliments on their re- 
usable Beatleboots, Baba winked at 
Ms. Christie who, when the camera 
lights again themselves winked red, 
appeared off camera bumping and 
bouncing totally without her cloth- 



ings almost as if by prearrange- 

ment. In their astonishments, both 
Mr. Israeli Hotcomb and Mr. Ar- 
dent I<egcrosser were unable to re- 
strain the instantly-produced slime 
serpents that rose and bounced in 
time inside their interestingly 
styled, matching UFO slackwears. 

It was now that Baba, thanks to 
delighted stagecrew, commanded a 
close-up and proceeded to re bend 
these bounding phenomenobs by 
the chanting of Purification Mantra 
#6 (employed for the preservation 
of continence during dull-but- 
healthful sex fasts preceding tra- 
ditional Penicillin Festivals). The 
ancient Sanskrit prayer— roughly 
translated as Hookworms, cancer, 
pus and yaws /I saw Mommy rim- 
ming Santa CUius — went immedi- 
ately to the twin on-camera trouble 
spots and diminished their drum- 
ming dangledowns to their original 
resemblance to a length of yester- 
day's fettucine Alfredo, 

As Mr. Geller angrily refilled his 
squirting blossom and Mr. Ardent 
Wastepile (what is his name?) 
sought in his UFOs the source of 
the short-lived unidentified throb- 
bing object, Baba, Ms. Christie, and 
the majority of her garments taxied 
swiftly Plazawards where we en- 
joyed again the much-bleeped in- 
terview together with a generous 
portion of Ms. Christie's fine smok- 
ing salmon. 

As Baba anticipated, the censors 
omitted many of Baba's important 
pronouncements including new al- 
bum release ("Baba Live at Ellis 
Island" — Decca) and special T-shirt 
offer, but failed to erase post hyp- 
notic suggestiveness of drooping- 
dangle chant. Thus, Baba regrets 
to say, all those who viewed Baba's 
appearance last evening (including, 

continued 



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3* NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 







Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




Expanded Listening. 

Just plug the special adapter 
into the earphone jack of any 
Mono Cassette Recorder. 
Portable Radio or TV Set and 
plug the OA-3 into the special 
adapter and enjoy total sound 
reproduction everywhere you go. 

Revolutionary. 

So slender- So light. 
So comfortable to use, 

Sound Perfection. 

You have to listen to believe, 



® PICKERING 



"far those |*Ae**iW hoar thv differonco" 



Baba Rum Raisin 

continued 



apparently, the fine prowl car psy- 
chopaths now behind and again 
gaining) must be ■ afflicted with 
languid lingams until Baha's npxt 
therapeutic guei?t shot on Mr. Merv 
Griffin sometime after New Year's. 
With 20 million viewers so afflicted, 
the end-to-end poot melons that 
might have under proper conditions 
stretched coast to coast will, until 
then, reach perhaps only from Man- 
hattan to Yonkers Raceway. 

Sad news for Mr. Gel lev's many 
fine stewardesses yes no? No news 
for the very fine Mrs. Tom Speidcl, 
however, writes Baba soliciting 
kindly further agreement 

However \ Baba offers special re- 
lief for His fave Bent Key Club 
Members! This fine new nonprofit 
additional organ -I ration fnot Lo be 
correctly confused with not-so-fine 
and highly competitive Universalis! 
Life Church) guarantees life-after- 
social-death to you boys and girls 
presently afflicted with sad inability 
to get it on, up, or damp. 



Free! 
i Yes Baba! Although 1 enjoyed 
J your much-bleeped program, 1 

■ wish, both in moderation and 
i according to Baba's Rules of 
J Fun, to follow the path of moral 
{ erectitude. Please send sure- ft re 
i magic T-shirt and free 45 rpm 
J ''Kama Sutra Polka" starring 
j Haha Rum. Raisin and famous 
i dead rock guitarist reincarnated 
i as funny noise in background. 

■ Here is as much money as I can 
i buy stamps for! Rush! 

i Name 

J Address___ _ 

i How much $$$ 

I Where I Ifo ** 



Do not delay or delay must wait 
until after New Year's, if this may 
serve as a small but instructive pun. 

And now, my wiggly-whangies, 
your Baba must return both hands 
to the wheel, first airing nontyping 
one briefly out window, as Ms. 
Christie observes they are now aim- 
ing at Mr. Geller's expensive 
Michel in ra dials, Is it not paradoxi- 
cal that such unwise hotrodding 
directly results from insufficient 
cold showering? 

And remember, babies, coupon 
coupon! Or on you your dates will 
poop on, and by this Baba does not 
mean a brand of mustard, 

Ciao, 



WFTff- 




Open Audio. 

Enjoy the sound. Yet, be pari oi 
what's going on around you. 
That's "open audio" 

Prediction. 

The OA-3 will be your favorite 
"component 11 in your h\A\ 
stereo system, 



For further information write to 
Pickering & Co.. inc. Dept, N t 
101 Sonny stde Blvd., Ploinview. 
New York 11 803 



© PICKERING 



"for those wftO ™i i"wr TftB tf/tforwtue" 



m NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



If you've got die salt, 
IVe got the Sal 



Nothing gets a good thing going 
better than Tequila Sauza. That's 
because Sau2a is the Numero Uno 
Tequila in all of Mexico. And that's 
because Tequila Sauza— Silver or 
Gold— does best all the things 
anybody would want Tequila to do* 

TYy it the classic down- 
Mexico way: in a shot glass, with 
salt and lime on the side. Or in a 
Margarita. Or in a Sunrise. Who 
knows where it will all lead? 




Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



continued from pn(!# %7 



so long as the "guest" has not used 
the glasses for ashtrays or defecated 
in the wastepaper baskets, ( If a vio- 
lation occurs, the homeowner may 
elect immediate trial by combat. ) 

Occasionally, of course, there is a 
theft. Some Canadian overcome 
with envy for another's lumber jack- 
et loses control and tears it off him, 
or stealthily si ids it off the back of 
his chair in a bar. The offender is in- 
variably found later swaggering 
down the street sporting his new ac- 
quisition. He is then brought before 
the beaver lodge and his sentence is 
handed down. Sentence may range 
from a simple "punching out" to 
banishment. In the case of banish- 
ment, he is led out of Little Canada 
and abandoned, There, the Canadi- 
ans believe he wil} starve to death or 
be consumed by Nay g roes. 

The highest authority in Little 
Canada is, of course, the Queen, who 
keeps in touch with her subjects 
around the world by means of short- 
wave radio. The Queen's messages 
are coded to prevent their intercep- 
tion by the American authorities. 
They usually deal with Her Majes- 
ty's plans to rule the world, and an- 
nounce what new steps have been 
taken toward this end. Recent an- 
nouncements have dealt with a new 
space-age virus developed by Her 
Majesty's master of the arsenal. 



This biological weapon can be pro- 
grammed to wipe out people of a 
single political persuasion. For ex- 
ample, it could be set to wipe out all 
white Anglo-Saxon Protestants with 
conservative leanings. Or all his- 
panic liberals who own dogs, for 
that matter. Her Majesty's advisers 
believe that by judicious use of this 
weapon, the United States may be 
once again joined to Britain, Occa- 
sionally, H,M, will urder one uf her 
Canadian subjects to assassinate 
an American political figure who 
knows too much. I dare mention no 
names. 

This is the tarry underbelly of 
Little Canada, It is not always so 
dark, brooding, and malevolent a 
presence. Once a year, in June, Lit- 
tle Canada comes alive as the festi- 
val of the caribou migration begins. 
Tourists come from blocks away to 
watch as the Canadians don realis- 
tic "boo" suits and parade up and 
down the block all day and far into 
the nijrht, lowing and butting at each 
other in imitation of a herd of cari- 
bou on the move. Lit by the beams 
of lar^e sportsman's flashlights car- 
ried by revellers, the bobbing, danc- 
ing figures present a air ions sight to 
the tourist who stands confused on a 
street corner, tentatively gnawing a 
piece of beef jerky presented to him 
by a tiny child in a snowsuiL 



Later, there will be a chain saw 
throwing contest, a dog wrestle, 
some punch-outs, and bannock bak- 
ing for the ladies. Sometimes a play 
will be presented, usually dramatiz- 
ing some incident From Canadian 
life — the repossession of a car by the 
finance company, an attack by wild 
Indians, or a comet crushing your 
sister. Simple plays for a simple folk 
who do not really believe in death 
or its terrors. For the Canadians be- 
lieve that when they die, they will 
be poled across a dark river by a 
jolly French- Canadian boatman 
named Croissant, and permitted to 
enter a blissful state of conscious- 
ness comparable to extreme drunk- 
enness, even if they've been bad. 

When you leave Little Canada, 
your souvenir will probably be a 
menu from a Canadian food restau- 
rant Here it is, and good eating. 

Blue Eagle Cafe 

Tastily Prepared Dishes — 
Please Order by Number 

1} Prepared Meat 

2) Cooked Meat 

3) Potatoes and Salt 

4) Pie 

5) Pie with Potatoes 

6) Side Order Salt 

Please Pay When Served. 
No Tipping. 



T.M. 



Life was blank. 

The Music Tape by Capitol 

was blank. 









"Fee-fte-fo-fuml" bellowed the 
Giant as Jack streaked for the bean- 
stalk, ''Bring back the treasures you 
ripped off or HI grind your bones to 
make my bread." 

"From now on " taunted Jack, 
cradling the stolen Precision Bass in 
his arms, '77/ be the gfant who makes 
the bread. Just listen to the golden 
tones that Bass man Ten puts out 



when I fay down some licks on your 
electric bass" 

"On my Fender electric bass!" 
moaned the Gfant. "Anything but the 
best Isn't worth a hit J of beans. When 
you get to the root of the matter, 
you cut - it with what the rest of the 
TV concert titans play" 

"And of course," Jack sang out ,. . 

"9 out of \ pick a Fender bass!"* 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



For a fu If- color poster of thfc ad, send jl to: 
Fender, Box 3410, Dept. 375, Fwllerfon, CA 92634. 

•Source: Naiionat Marketing Research of 
CaUfomOrlMS 

f CBS Musical I nurumew 

Pf COA«Qn (&& V» - ■ II qt'i'iffl II adOflMiR t 

r.n re 



With an Empire wide response cartridge. 

lot of people have started "trackm*" with Empire cartridges for more or less the same 
reasons. 

More separation; "Separation, measured between right and left channels at 
a frequency of 1 kHz, did indeed measure 35 dB (rather remarkable for any car- 
tridge):' FM Guide, Tins Feldman Lab Report, 

Less distortion: ",.the Empire 4000D/111 produced the flattest overall re- 
sponse yet measured from a CD-4 cartridge— within ±2 dB from LOCK) to 50.000 
H/' Stereo Review. 

More versatile: "Not only does the 4000D/III provide excellent sound in both 

reo and quadriphonic reproduction, but we had no difficulty whatever getting satisfactory 

quad playback through any demodulator or with any turntable of appropriate quality at our 

disposals High Fidelity. 

Less tracking force: "The Empire 4000D/NI has a surprisingly low tracking force in the 

% gram region. This is surprising because other cartridges, and I mean 4 channel types, seem 

ound the 2 grain class:* Modern Hi Fi & Stereo Guide, 

the complete test reviews from these major audio magazines and a free catalogue, write: 
Empire Scientific Corp.. Garden City, N.Y 11530. Mfd. U.S.A. bmb a%|#^H 

Choose the Cartridge Designed to Play Best in Your System 

Plays 4 Channel Discrete (CD4) _ Plays 2 Channel Stereo . 




and Super Stereo 



Plays AH 4 Channel Matrix Systems (SQ, QS, RM) 



Model 


4O0O 

D/lll 


4O0O 

D/ll 


4O0O 

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2O0O 

E/III 


2000 

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2O0D 

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2000 

E 


2000 


Frequency Response 
m Hz: 


5-50,000 


5-45,000 


10-40,000 


5-35,000 


6-33.000 


8-32.000 


10-30,000 


10-28,000 


Output Voltage per 
Channel at 3 .54 cnVscc 
groove velocity 


3.0 


30 


3.0 


5.0 


5i0 


5.0 


5.0 


50 


Channel Separation 


more than 
35dB 


more than 
35dB 


35UB 


35dB 


35dB 


35cJB 


30dB 


30dB 


Tracking Force 
in Grams, 


Va to 1 Va 


mo m 


VAiom 


Vd\o \Vk 


mom 


% to 1 ft 


1 to 3 


1 to 3 


Stylus Tip- 


miniature nude 

diamond with 

1 mil tracing 

radius 

v 4 Dimensional 


miniature nude 

diamond with 

1 mil tracing 

radius 

™A Dimensional 


miniature nude 

diamond with 

1 mil tracing 

radius 

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nude 
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2x 7 mil 


nude 
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nude 

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elliptical 
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spherical 

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For Use In 


turntable only 


turntable only 


turntable or 
changer 


turntable or 
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lurnlaUeor 
changer 


turntable or 
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only 


changer 
only 




•(White) 


(YellowQopy 


ft 

ight@ae@RMatio 


ft 

lalflGlaipflon 1 


ft 

nciBlue) 


(Green) 


(Red) 


(Smoker 




Temporary Office Furniture b* m«:*m> 



jnce upon a time, someone wrote: "Behind every 
successful man is a woman." And nowhere do 
these words of wisdom have a more practical 
application than in the world of business, where a suc- 
cessful man has always needed a woman to lean on. 

Kelly Girls has set the standard for providing the busy 
executive with someone he can lean on, and now, along- 
side the cheerful receptionist, dependable typist, and 



faithful secretary, can be added the sturdy desk. 

Kelly Girls Temporary Office Furniture comes in a wide 
variety of styles and colors, and offers a broad range of 
models from which to choose 

Traditionally daring In design, daringly traditional in 
function, this is office furniture for the truly discriminating 
executive, who knows his place in the business world and 
wants to keep it that way. 




% «• 



/T7~ he. Henry VIII [shown here) is a desk that reflects the position as weft OS 
*S* ihe character of those who Koto 1 it Four separate units allow for quick and 



2t 



easy replacement, Orher outstanding features include high cheekbones, 
perfectly filed nails, and fitted nylon drawers with fingertip control and elastic waist- 
bands for maximum storage capacity. Drawers can be removed completely for easy 
cleaning, and access to those hard to reach places Desk size- 144 by 96 by 144, 

continued 

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 







ȣvi 



yjj» 



* com© o popular office favorite. 
Is this labl© is ideal!/ suited for the 
executive who likes lo lhmk of his feel, Hos 
a vorfefy of uses, or just J^»t it stand |J 
Ond loot: beogiiful Outstanding fa 
c^de high arches, well turned onktas, ond 
long, sweeping call, Black slocking* opt' 
fof on additional charge If ord« 
srackings, specify with o* 



«' 




f/ v/,rti rfjii vfurt t 
hX machine stpnd , 
horse of the office* what this table locks in 
loob is mode up for by its versatility. Tabk 
is completely collapsable [us sliownj and 
can be stored out of sight when not In use. 
Features include tola J portability and ad- 
Instable height. Stretch marks included. 



F M^rv u riT^ETKKi t; !<!;*"•* * 



Copyright^^007 National Lampoon Inc. 



sjT~he mainstay of the office, this con- 
^-'* ference table bends over forwards 
to Qive you f^u turns which matte 
it ideolfy suited for business in the round. 
Many efficient work arrangements ore pos- 
sible through o broad selection of tops and 
components. Table assembly required, Fasel 
not Included but may be ordered separately. 




ontinucd 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATK1NAI. LAMPOON 43 



continued 



t_7e&£mfj 




/^/7Y m 9 down on the job is hard to resist with this smorf loot- 

v is ifig office sofa. Looks as great as it feels and feels as 

o£ y greot as it looks, thanks to built-in box springs and ten 

soft, pfibw-tike headrests, all of which put you in the tap of office 



luxury. Also available in tough block leather. To com p fete the exec- 
utive experience, the compact end tabte is just the thing to give 
the office the right "touch," Comes in white, black, brown, and 
mulatto. 



U NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




t-S of 



your feet up and be counted 
wfth Hits two piece recliner and 
?S otfowoman. The gentle lines of the 
frame and graceful contours of the seat 
and back make this chair an inviting place 
to spend your working hours, Soft and plia- 
ble exterior gives in all the right places, 
supporting you in style. Many different 
models to choose from, in an enticing array 
of colors, Available in natural finish or 

leOthef upholstery. 



wOnpressivtf looking, with generous 
f£r proportions and the kind of com- 
t_X fori thai keeps executives fresh 

for decision-making all day long, our Exec- 
utive Mossoae-a-Pedic office chair has par- 
ticular appeal for the status-conscious exec- 
utive who likes being pampered. Just the 
sound of your voice activates the many 
built in 'fingers," which immediately go to 
work soothing and relaxing those tertse, 
aching muscles from head to toe. Combin- 
ing beauty with "brains/' the sleek fin- 
ished look of the arms and backrest is the 
result af three yesGrs of polishing at Kath- 
erine Gibbs, Other outstanding features 
include solid, sturdy base and swivel hips. 
New York State License # 943/1. 



continued 

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




wmtintied 



cce&boMf) 




Above, it's no ifs, ends, or butts with this stylish executive oshtrgy^ 
Premoistened inner membrane douses cigors ond cigoretfes when 
you put them out. Unsightly butts and ashes ore then "swallowed," 
leaving ashtray dean and tidy. Ashtray automatically empties itseff 
when ML Available in off-white only, Below, our cheap white trash* 
basket gives your trash a bit of dash and does it efficiently and 
inexpensively, Also makes for an interesting conversation piece 
when spoken la Cheap hkuk hashbaskets no longer available, 



Above, our good-looking, low*cost executive coatrack h just the 
thing far the executive who likes a proper piace to keep things, 
and to keep things in their proper places. Sixty-five inches high. 
Available in dumb bland only. fleU, our cup runneth over, so 
your desk won't, with this buxom, desktop paperweight . Keep 
abreasl of latest developments by hoving them right at your finger- 
tips. Attractive, self-moistened nipple ornament also comes in handy 
for sealing envelopes and affixing stomps. Sizes B thru DDD. 




ppyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc, 



"V, or the executive who doesn't mind 
S gifting o little behfnd in his work, 
1lij"s 42-incK-hi9h planter will brighten any 
office. Its simplicity of fine and unpolished 
finish slays qmelly fn the background, al< 
lowing the? natural beauty of plants and 
flowers to shine forth. Got o plant? You 
know what you can do with ill 




NATION 



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m 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



P.K. \\ \\ DKOiNft PSYCHOANALYS 



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Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




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|reed,lust, pride, envy. . . these vices alone will not make a nation great. 
Sloth, too, is needed. 

Sloth* This national compulsion to avoid work of any kind, this inborn, God-given laziness, 
once enabled Americans to discover or develop three of history's great labor-saving devices: 
slavery, machines, and monopoly capitalism. 

Today, creative Americans continue to come up with schemes for systematic shirking: sweet- 
heart unions, welfare, government and foundation grants, sabbaticals, and, when the work ethic 
rears its ugly head, a good healthy dose of federally ordained, inflation-fighting unemployment. 

Nat Lamp editors Sussman, Weidman, and Kelly, no mean shirkers themselves (this article 
is six weeks past deadline. Laughs.) , have sought out and interviewed not the celebrated shirk- 
ers of the boardrooms, faculty lounges, and senates of the land, but the little guys — the free- 
lance, self -unemployed shirkers who, one by one, constitute the lack of backbone in this nation. 

ftmlimwd on rant: US 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




50 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




A IKE THESE Gcop oc Bovs vjho 5ftvj to /r -me COR.U got out k about 
V LE6EHPARY JokERS SPeepjng, throw wpnue moowught hoopl 
ODfCERS UKE 




Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATION A I, T,AMPOON fil 



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^REDf GiTXtiZK ASS 

»NfiCfl«/TCuCKlHE] 
FUCJCCl/ERW'our 

Yer ass has sor testt^ 
^ys TO BE in ttw>/j. 



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(D^/ri - 3v3&fc*£*nW 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 





/T /S BELIEVED BY THE INDIANS THAT THE FUTUQB /S REVEALE& AV 
PGEAMS. EVE&Y /M&tAN FEARS THE N/GHT THAT HE WILL BE WS/T- 
££> &Y THB OMEN THEV CALL SOSfOUXME* 




Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




&OBS NOT OFF&&. TO SHA&E THBM t IT IS CONSIOB&B& AN ACT OF 
. IF A NEIGHBORING CONSTRUCTION SITE HAS &UILT A TALLER BUILD- 
ANO PO£S NOT INVITB ITS NBI&H&O&B TO COMB WALK AROL/NLP 
O/V TH0 TO0* t IT IS CON&IP>&£?B& AAS ACT OF" WAR . 





)AS WITH WAR,THBR£ ALWAYS COMBS] 
\ AN EN&. THE WOUN&BO ARB HELRE& 



ANO THE P>BAP> ARB &ts&/GC>. 



U 




Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 





fUT IN THE GN&* iT IS THEIR WO&K 

THAT IS THmtn WCTOffy. WHEN A 

BUfLPtNG HAS GROWN SO HIGH IT 

CAN "&AWC& W/TH Pi/ex's, "/T f& TtMB 

TO M<D\/& OV. 



t 




WtTH THEIR WORK &ONE,THG /NffANS WILL 
HGA& NORTH FOR THE IN/NTER. BUT CER- 
TAIN ONES, WHG HAVE KNOWN LIFE LONG * 
CHOOSE TO REMA/N. 




Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



THE PACESETTER 




THE MONTHLY MAGAZINE OF THE INTERNATIONAL BROTHERHOOD OF HARRIERS 



VOL. 14, NO. 9 



NOVEMBER, 1975 



NEW YORK, N.Y. 



THE BIGGEST FOR 
THE BEST: IH GETS 
A NEW HOME 

"From the pink clip to pink granite/' 
With those words. Congressman Gin 
Turn ball (D.™ Penna.) cut the ribbon 
at IH's architect-designed headquar- 
ters in Washington, D.C. Built at the 
cost of twenty-two million dollars by 
the firm of Abienrello and Croce, la- 
bor's new home on the Potomac is go- 
ing to make a lot of corporate mucky 
mucks green with envy, with eleva- 
tors that can climb faster than a pick- 
aninny up a palm tree with a tiger 
swiping at his overgrown butt, and 
enough sand in the concrete to make 
Nebraska look like Kuwait, Incorpo- 
rating a sauna lounge, swimming pool, 
and the bar from the U,S.S. Missouri, 
this monument to working men and 
women everywhere is our way of say- 
ing, "Nothing Is too good for the 
American working man." Entering 
through sturdy columns of Vermont 
granite, the visitor is confronted with 
IH'a awesome and cavernous Hall of 
Heroes, dedicated to all the harriers 
over the years who have given "their 
last full measure" to make America 
the kind of place where we'd like to 
raise our children and our children's 
children and our children's children's 

children and our children's children's 
# #■ * 

Have you paid your dues? 



3^CZ 



= JC 



NOTICIA: 

PARA LOS MIEMBROS DEL 

SINDICATOQUEHABLAN 

ESPANOL. SI USTED NO 

PUEDE LEER ESTE REV1STA, 

MALASUERTE. 



3E 




LACK OF 

CEREMONIAL FLAG 

REMEDIED BY 

CONGRESSMAN 

In an O'Brien to Ryan to Goldberg 
kind of operation, member of IH Al 
Nathan, special Washington consul- 
tant Turk Weynridge, and Congress- 
man Gin Turnbull combined to insure 
that not only would an Amen can flag 
be available for the christening cere- 
mony on the new labor-built multi- 
billion dollar Shoal Searching Station, 
but that it would be an American flag 
that had flcjwn prouLlIy above the In- 
dian affairs office in Washington for 
two long years, 

It began when Al Nathan, a riveter 
with top security clearance working on 
the Shoal Searcher, wrote a letter to 
Turk Weynridge, pointing out that a 
flag was needed for the christening bc- 
rause "Budweiser is only half of it." 
With a little help from a buddy who 
went to high school, Al wrote this: 



Dear Sir ; 

I would like to bring a certain 
situation to your a Hen (ion. I am 
a riveter with top security clear- 
ance working on a secret project 
for the government. My fellow 
workers and I have heard through 
the keyhole that there will be no 
flags available for the topping- 
out ceremony. I find this hard to 
believe that in a free country no 
flags are available. I realize 
things are hard because of cut- 
backs and ecolo-loons, but that 
doesn't mean we have to stuff 
tradition out the porthole, docs 
it? Sincerely, 

Al Nathan 

With a speed reminiscent of the 
famed baseball trio, Al's inquiry re- 
sulted in Turk Weynridge pulling 
Congressman Turnbull's string and 
the congressman's daring snatch of 
the flag from the roof of the Tndian 
building in Washington. In his com- 
munication with the union, Congress- 
man Turnbull enclosed a copy of 
Nathan's letter and commented that 
he was "very impressed,'' 



The Pacesetter 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Pagel 



HARRIERS BID WELCOME TO 

NEW MEMBERS OF ORGANIZED 

LABOR FAMILY 

NEW ORLEANS— In a vote super- 
vised by neutral third parties from the 
Patrolmen's Benevolent Association 
and the International Brotherhood of 
Teamsters, the three-thousand-mem- 
ber Corn Oil Extractors union and the 
four-thousand-member Shaft Lubrica- 
tors Brotherhood opted to amalgamate 
with the Harriers Union. 

IH is pleased to welcome these new 
brothers, who will now have all the 
advantages of the members of a great 
union with a twenty-two-million-dol- 
lar headquarters in Washington. 
Jerry Czeklizt and Business Manager 
Chuck Czeklist welcome new brothers 
to IH, cops and teamsters join the fun, ► 




IH ADDS WELL-GRADED CURVES 
TO EXEC BOARD 

Delivering on his promise that "a 
good time would be had by all," Presi- 
dent Jerry Czeklizt announced the 
election of IH's first women V.P., Sally 
Bush. A veteran of the daily grind at 
TH headquarters for the last six years, 
Sally has earned many office points 
for her willingness to work like a Tro- 
jan when called upon. In her new 
position as V.P. for women's affairs, 
Sally will have a wide range of duties. 
"Not to worry/' says Sally, "I'll still 
see to it that all my friends at IH con- 
ventions get that little something extra 
in their coffee," Having traveled ex- 
tensively over the years with President 
Jerry, Al Kooper, Dom Abientello, and 
others, Sally is well suited for her new 
duties. All of us at headquarters wish 
good luck to the best pair of gams on 
the Executive Board. 




-Don't forget your dues. 



g %t% 




Crybaby Picketers Whine for Handouts 



EXEC COUNCIL 

HANDLES GRIPING 

PICKETERS 

We never thought we'd see the day 
when union men, good and true, would 
turn like dogs and bite the hand that 
feeds them, but that's exactly what 
happened with Hired Pickets Local 207 
last Thursday. Egged on by power- 
hungry leaders, hired picketers massed 
outside the recently completed twenty- 
two million dollar headquarters of IH 
in Washington, D,C, and demanded 
a 16 percent wage increase. "Who do 



these greedy so and sos think they 
are?" was the only comment of thun- 
derstruck Jerry Czeklizt. 

At a meeting of the IH Executive 
Council Thursday night, it was de- 
cided to amalgamate the Hired Picket- 
ers into the Shaft Lubricators, Central 
District. This means the malcontents 
will now be paid the same as any other 
union member for picketing duties. 
Said President Jerry: "This action 
should sober those smart alecks up 
while freeing up some funds to give 
folks at IH headquarters some long 
overdue raises." 



Page 2 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



The Pacesetter 




President Jerry Czeklist bids farewell 
Hazlef on, and other similar employees 
Washington, D.C. 

HARRIERS HOME OFFICE 
TIGHTENS BELT 

"You hear a lot of talk around about 
Big Labor, but when push comes to 
shove/ it's not the fat cats on Wall 
Street or the pencil-pushing pinheads 
in Washington who feel the pinch. It's 
the working guy/' With these words, 
President Jerry Czeklizt said good-bye 

LABOR GETS A HEARING ON 
CAPITOL HILL 

Gone are the days when the only 
way a union rep could get to the big 
brass in Washington was by way of 
the service elevator. IH's new lobbyist, 
T. E. "Turk" Weynridge, Jr., pulled up 
for his luncheon meeting with Asst. 
Postmaster Claigh McNair in a chauf- 
feur-driven Iimo as big and impressive 
as anything the corporate errand boys 
drive around in. Speaking on behalf 
of concerned unionists everywhere, 
Turk told the nation's Number Two 
Mailman (in no uncertain terms) that 
working men are up in arms about so- 
called "right to work" laws. Following 
a lunch "fit for a king," Turk left the 
Postal Department with a firm com- 
mitment from MacNair to "put the full 
weight of the Postal Department be- 
hind this effort." Nice going, Turk. 



NOTICE 



OF AMENDMENT TO THE 
BYLAWS 

In an attempt to farther democratise the 
workings of the International Brotherhood 
of Harriers, the following- amendments to 
the hj-Iaws were inserted at the instruction 
of the President. 

1 + Any member in good standing may run 
for union office by simple submission of a 
petition bearing signatures of two-thirds 
of the members of the Internationa] 
Brotherhood of Harriers, 

2, Any member may ask a question at any 
meeting provided he submits a transcript 
of his questions at least six weeks in ad- 
vance of a weekly meeting, (No member 
may ask more than one question per 
annum,) 



to Harriers Juan Ramirez, Elwood 
at Harriers' new headquarters in 

to thirty workers hired last year under 
IH's "Operation Bootstrap/' designed 
to help minority workers in the trades 
union movement. Speaking from the 
conference room of IH's recently com- 
pleted $22 million headquarters in 
Washington, D.C, President Jerry 
said, "I hope this puts an end to those 
troublemakers who are always whin- 



ANNOUNCEMENT 
OF MEETING 

The annual* meeting of the Interna- 
tional Brotherhood of Harriers will be 
held on the third Sunday after the 
second half moon following the au- 
tumn equinox. Doors will open for 
fifteen minutes only, and late arrivers 
win not be admitted. For a map detail- 
ing how to find the meeting hall, a 
registered letter must be sent, post- 
marked no later than October 12, in- 
cluding a postal order payable in 
Guatemalan escudos and a typewritten 
request in college English for an in- 
vitation. 



ing that labor is too fat to tighten its 
belt. We're going to have a hell of a 
time finding somebody to keep this 
place clean when you fellas are gone/' 
1H is going to miss you guys. Best of 
luck, and try to stay out of trouble. 
Have you paid your dues? 




The Pacesetter 



ECOMANIACS 

HOLD WORKERS RANSOM 

There's a lot of talk these days 
about cleaning up the environment, 
but somehow it seems that those who 
scream the loudest are most in need of 
a bath themselves. At IH, we have 
thousands of members who care a lot 
about the great out-of-doors, and take 
every chance they can get to get back 
to God's country, whether by jeep, 
motorboat, dune buggy, or snowmo- 
bile. But there's a world of difference 
between legitimate concern for the en- 
vironment and dumbheaded nature- 
loving just for nature's sake. 

Environmental do-gooders are al- 
ways popping off at the mouth with 
things like, "If we cleaned up the en- 
vironment, we would save twenty- 
eight billion dollars a year." But they 
never ask where the average working 
guy would be without those twenty- 
eight billion dollars in paychecks. You 

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



JA(* tg 



know where you'd be . . . right down 
there on the welfare daisy chain being 
looked after by the same fruitbars who 
screamed so loud about ecology. Some 
ecology I They get the jobs as social 
workers and the working guy stands 
In line for a handout! It's time we took 
the environmental movement back 
from the ecolonuts and put two cal- 
loused workingman's hands on the 
wheel. We should get behind right 
thinking environmentalists who stock 
the rivers, build dams and campsites, 
and, in general, try to help the hunter 
and sportsman, rather than handcuff 
him with a lot of dumb talk about the 
rights of a bunch of stupid trees and 
dumb whooping cranes. Remember, 
you can't drive a truck with a red- 
wood tree, and ten million whooping 
cranes can't do diddly when it comes 
to putting food on the table, 

Page3 




JERRY'S 
CORNER 

Careful readers of IH's annual 
operating statement have brought an 
interesting fact to our attention re- 
cently; namely, the IH pension fund 
has shrunk, in the course of the last 
year, from a high of fifteen million 
dollars to the present, dangerously low 
level of twelve hundred dollars. Now, 
there's always a few loudmouths out 
there, ready to point the finger at the 
drop of a hat, who have suggested that 
the Executive Board has fallen down 
on the job, or worse. Let me just say at 
the outset I hat you can have every 
confidence that your Executive Board 
is not a bunch of crooks. The explana- 
tion is a lot simpler than that. Look at 
it this way: A union is just like a cor- 
poration, There's no such thing as 
standing pat, It's either grow or die. 
And there's only one way to grow , , , 
by investing. About eighteen months 
ago, we invested our pension fund in 
two very smart bundles. First, we put 
eleven million bucks into municipal 
bonds, and you know what's hap- 
pened to the municipal bond market. 
The best counselors in the business 
told us there wasn't a safer invest- 
ment. WelL it didn't work out the way 
we planned. And you really can't 
blame us for not having a crystal ball. 
The municipal bond crisis points out 
another lesson to be learned here from 
the business world . . . competition. 
It's high time that union men (and 
women, too) stopped taking it for 
granted that just because people are 
poor or black, that they can hitch their 
welfare wagon to I he backs of Ameri- 
can working men. It's a hard, cold 
world out there, and there's a small 
pic to divide up. So, fellas . . , who's 
it going to be, us or them? As for the 
other four mil lion, we took the advice 
of our brokers (who are the best in 
the business, you'd know their names 
in a minute) and balanced our port- 
folio with convertible debentures se- 
cured by triple A bonds underwritten 
by sheltered mineral exploration capi- 



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♦> ♦> 

PERSONAL 
SIDELIGHTS 

♦♦♦♦*♦♦♦♦**♦♦♦♦*♦♦♦♦♦ ♦$► ♦♦♦ 



t 

T 
1 



Local 131 (Chicago) has a new pres- 
ident. Abe Tacoma was unanimously 
elected by the brothers after the dis- 
appearance of former president Sa) 
Luchese. 

* * * 

Witchita Linemen's Local 40 has 
decided to make Glenn Campbell an 
honorary member. Campbell reports 
he finally received a certificate from 
them after it was mailed to the soup 
company by mistake. 

* * * 

Al Rosenblum, former head of Local 
78 (California), broke both kneecaps 

Don't forget your dues 

tal recovery certificates. Totally by 
chance, a temporary drought in the 
venture capital market forced us to 
sell short in order to accommodate a 
double declining deficit which totally 
wiped us out. Sad, but simple, and as 
they say on Wall Street, "If you're 
gonna invest in sugar, you have to be 
ready to take your lumps." 

In a way, this lesson has been a bit- 
ter pill to swallow, but a good experi- 
ence for all of us, because we're 
thrown back on our own resources and 
self-reliance, and, after all, that's what 
our free enterprise system is all about. 
When a company is faced with a prob- 
lem similar to ours, they know the 
solution. Growth, Build up your capi- 
tal from within. Well, m an organiza- 
tion like ours, there's only one kind of 
capital . . . people. We have to get out 
there and organize, in the best tradi- 
tion of American unionism. The more 
people we take in, the more dues go in 
to the pension fund. Think about it. 
There's millions of unorganized work- 
ers out I here: waitresses, bartenders, 
lettuce pickers, messenger boys, sou- 
venir hawkers, and, of course, that 
great, untapped reservoir , . . execu- 
tives. If each and every one of you gets 
out and Organizes, we'll be able to say 
by this time next year: "Three million 
dollars? Pshaw. It's only a bucket of 
piss to. the biggest goddamn union the 
world has ever been." And you can be 
sure your executive board, from Jerry 
Czcklizt on down, is giving you the 
best leadership anywhere at any price. 
So don'l mourn for your pension fund 
. . , organize! 



in a fishing accident, but bravely re- 
turned to the office the same day and 
encouraged the men to accept the set- 
tlement previously reached by the in- 
ter national. He is now on a leave of 
absence. 

* » * 

Bob Brownowski leaves this month 
for Alaska, where he will organize 
native sculptors and artists and assist 
them in collective bargaining with de- 
partment store purchasing agents. 
Dress warm, Bob, and take a book. 
Bob was recently divorced from Katha- 
rine Czeklizt 

* * * 

Lefty Biczck and Fireball Gronski 
were recently cleared of assault charges 
in the alleged beating of hippy Arlo 
Guthrie, son of the depression com- 
munist Woody Guthrie. Governor 
Rhodes of Ohio appeared as a charac- 
ter witness lor the two officers of 
Local 30 (Ohio). 

* * * 

Al Widgeon recently bought a new 
car with part of the money he won in 
the New Jersey state lottery. Al says 
he plans to invest the remainder of the 
money in "gold mines out west, you 
can make a goddamn fortune if you're 
smart/' Al took a two-month vacation 
shortly after winning. When I asked 
him where he went, he said, "I'm 
damned if I remember!" 

* H x 



The Pacesetter 

Published monthly by the 
International Brotherhood of Harriers 
AFL-CIO 

OFFICERS 

Jerry Czeklizt — President and 

Assistant B.A. 

Dominic Abientello— 
First Vice-President 

Alan R. Kooper— Vice-President 

Sally Bush— V.P., Women's Affairs 

Charles Eugene Czeklist — Editor 
and Business Agent 



& 



Page 4 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



The Pacesetter 



WORKMEN'S COMPENSATION BOARD PAMPHLET #102 




CCG3 



'(xf&wc sjAu/L IiWucL hat cuuL ipulL alwcajA, 
hcwsL cl k&xuL £x put und&vii." 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 






YOU HAVE IT 600D HERE. 


■Kill/ 9k 


MS 






The men who pick these bananas have to be alert 
every minute of the day, Tarantulas hide in the banana 
bunches. A neighboring tree may well harbor a python. 
A cheetah mlgbl drag them all away. The oolj 
pensaiion they have is (heir religion. Think about it. 

THE UNITED FRUIT COMPANY 



MININO DISASTERS 
DON'T HAVE TO HAPPEN 




If these men had been o little more careful in placing their 
props, if they had been alert enough to notice that the 
mine was about to collapse, they wouldn't be trapped miles 
underground, where it is toe* expensive to rescue them. 
Remember, The company wants you to stay alive and keep 
working just os much as you do—even if you're a South 
American, like these fellow*. 

&ID I1HTQ M9C CQftFOftATIOir 



tissoMrriiVirs 



This pamphlet, with its eye-catching yellow cover add djgnifie- 
portrayal of man us worker, was published by the secretary o 
labor's nephew In cooperHiirm whh the Workmen's Compensfl 
lion Board in return for a million dollars, 



dt.lLtaue tyfltyritol (0( JJfrurtiuii frirffrrtiuj Ann GuMJUilc fflrrni 



TABLE OF CONTENTS 

Big Boxes and Booze Don 1 1 Mix .8 

Plutonium Scare ....,..£ 

Black Lung Hysteria 3 

Don T t Throw Things , ■ , . * 3 

Avoid Back Injury : The Proper 
Way to Tote That Bale 4 

Plow to Fil e Your Claim ....... 4 

Are You Accident-Prone? , . . . . D 

Are You Black? 6 

Dog Bites Mean Down-Time .... 6 

Ditchdigger, 

Are You iri a Put? 6 

Look Out for That Forklift ! . . 7 

Meat Handlers Tips > . 7 

Beer Causes Cancer in 
Asbestos Workers .28 

Falling Down and 

How to Avoid It... ..........11 

Boi ler Expl osions : 

Hang on to Your Head! 12 

Have aFriendHold the Ladder. 31 

A Foot in the Bucket Can Be a 
Foot in the Grave ll 

Duck! Here Comes a 

Wrecking Ball! 13 or 11 



#102 JOB SAFETY 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




HISTORy 



ays gone by, there was no such thing as a 
:>rk men's Compensation Board. If a man was 
Lired on the job, he was used to lubricate cart 
» or fed to the appropriate livestock. Al- 
1 some might say this was necessary for 
nie reasons, others might say that they would 
be foremen. 

vadays, we are more modern, Thanks to the 
es of civilization (books, radios, plays, and 
i, and to our economic domination of most 
world, we now treat the injured properly, 
omething falls on a man's head or crashes 
is knees, he is treated in a hospital by trained 
s and nurses. Hu is given good care after 
urt bad. But, as you know, many injuries can 
ided. They are caused by carelessness, or the 
'-give-a-toot attitude. These are the kind of 
s we are trying to prevent. If we could cut 
on these injuries, we could stop paying 
, and we'd have a lot more money for pam- 
like this. We could then fill the pamphlets up 
lore culture and civilization. 



ika (RaksL 
My. 



"(Don!L 

JbisuuL 




DfLmSLl 



f" 



DON'T HURLyOUR TOOLS! 



Often a man will lose his temper with a tricky 
nut. Men react to this differently. Some swear and 
throw things without thinking. They are often sorry 
for this afterwards when they find they have hurt 
somebody else. It might be alright for a major 
league baseball player to throw his bat at someone, 
but it isn'i good for a worker; it's what we call a 
bad safety habit. 

Some workers say that if you keep all the anger 
and frustration bottled up inside you, you'll get a 
cyst in your testicles. Well, doctors have proven 
that this isn't true. There are many other ways to 
release nervous tension. Clapping, jumping, and 
running on the spot are (continued on page 13) 




"102 JOB SAFETY 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 






A CASE FOR BIG BOOTS! 



Big boots. Sure they make your feet weigh more, 
but most men find that they pay off in normal toes. 
Remember, your feet are the part of your body 
which is furthest away from your brain. They're 
almost independent, like the Virgin Islands, That's 
why they need all the more protection. They are al- 
ways getting into scrapes. You forget that they're 
there, and you drop your tool box. All of a sudden, 
a ping pong ball-sized pain nodule shoots up your 
spinal cord and lets you know that there's trouble 
down below! Big boots put a solid shield between 
your toes and the hostile outside world. You'll find 
that if you have to do a tot of stamping or kicking, 
big boots can really pay off in a big way. 

About the only thing that big boots won't stop is 
a carelessly Operated chain saw. So there's a darn 
good case for getting a pair. Remember, a man 
without toes is like a car without tires, and we don't 
want to foot any unnecessary bills! 



*%J 





MIN1MATA DISEASE: 
HOW yOU CAN AVOID I 



There are many diseases called oecupat 
hazards. Silicosis (or flub-lung), chronic asbe 
induced flu (cancer), funny looking kid synd 
(aggravated milk poisoning), and, of coursq 
ploding joint disease, or minimata sickness. . 
of you are probably laughing ahout the cxpk 
joint disease. Well, the truth is, it is not that 
of joint at all Minimata disease is a sickness 
has wrongly been blamed on companies and 
lesser extent, upon "Japs." Actually, it is a di 
transmitted from one worker to another by n 
of sandwiches. One worker catches the di 
(probably from eating a candy bar which has 
lying around the lunchroom too long), and p 
it along to the others by way of an infr 
sandwich. 

This is a serious disease and not a "joke** dis 
So remember, next time a fellow worker offer 
a bite of his meat, even if you're eating tuna 
"No thanks, pal, I don't want my kids born loc 
like Alaskan King Crabs," We can beat al 
called "occupational hazard" diseases this 
That*s why God gave man a brain, so he coul 
the relationship between plutonium poise 
(glow-in-thc-dark disease) and sandwich swap 



#102 JOB SAFETY 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NINE SAFETY TIPS YOU SHOULD REMEMBER 




Watch where you're going. 



Looking up may help you 
avoid serious injury. 





H* 




Read signs. 



M>. 




Kneel to tie shoes. 



Don't talk back to company police. 





Watch it; 

young kids often have relatives in high places. 



pt\ Keep your fly done up. 



Don't piss in 

the foreman's 
thermos. 




Don't 7 
fool around. 




® 



#102JO8 5AFETr 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 










The other week, I had a man in my office here 
at the compensation board, I can*t remember 
exactly what he was in for, but anyway, it was 
some kind of illness. Now, what was it he said to 
me? Ah, never mind. Oh yes, I rememher, Some- 
thing about having no hearing. Well, I examined 
the man, and fer gosh sake, he didn't have no god- 
damn ears! He said that wasn't the problem, though. 
He said he lost his ears in some sort of tinsnip acci- 
dent when he just started with the company, that 
would be years ago now, Wc needn't go into that. 
Now, what was his problem? Oh, yes. Deaf as a 
dog's ass, he was. Now let mc see. Oh, T remember 
He said it had something to do with the high noise 
level at the factory or wherever it was that he 
worked. I can't think of the name just now, but it's 
not that important. I tested him, and he was telling 
the truth. V\\ say that for him, he was honest. Now 
as for prescriptions and so on, I won't go into that, 
not being a doctor, you wouldn't rceognate the 
plurality between your anus and a biopsy scar. 
Anyway, I told this man he should have worn 
some earmuffs or something for protection. Ff he 
had of done that the silly bugger wouldn't be 
bothering me with a lot of complaints about deaf- 
ness when Pm trying to work, for chrissake. It 
makes you wonder sometimes, dammit* Just where 
your head gear is. Then you'll never be deaf. And 
heEieve me, that's not worm it. Take yourself, 
nobody else will. 



HOW TO FILE IF YOU ARE 
ELIGIBLE FOR BENEFITS 
SAMPLE FORM 

Name Race Age 

Marital Status Vehicle Serial Nos 

Did your knee just move? 

Address 

State Zip Code 

HOW MANY BUBBLES ON A BAR OF SOAP? 



FIJI out sample form above, storing in addition in language 
ns clem find precise os the country of your origin will allow 
the c*xacl :ausp and nature of your injury. Please da nor 
blame society. Then, a I your own pace, if you are ambula- 
tory, make your way down la our offices. We're in the 
phone book. Be prepared upon arrival to be examined by a 
review panel of physicians fully trained in the detection of 
ludicrous shams. Prove: citizenship, political affiliation, 
height, weight, and tolerance for current at varying voltages. 



SOME SAFETY MEN RECOMMEND 
MITTS LIKE THESE. 




# 



These mitts arc chemically onrJ bMcgfcafly engineered by 
trained locomotive operators to protect your hand* from 
damage* Guard against savage dogs, tearing machinery, 
small comets, virtually anything, with me exception of 
carelessly operated chain saws, 

•Paul Drury, survivoi of mine disaster; "Never waukl have 
made it without ihese bio gloves." 

•DavH Tynan: "Come out on top of a train wreck with these 
babies." 

•J. Ughthall laysj "Great for wolloplo' noygurs." 

*C Pructan; "Freed me from the drudgery of housework/' 

•T. Osborn; "Explosion* In the press room no problem. " 

Thete great big gloves ore approved by the Workmen's 
Compensation Board, far who! ft** worth, and are available 
directly from store*, grubstakers, ostlers, ond mining supply 
houses. Just ask for THE BIO MITTS; they'll know who? 
you mean. 



#i02WSAfm 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



AWORDFROM 

THE CHAIRMAN 

OFTHEWGB. 



i the years I have been serving the public. In my 
>ng years of service to the working public. I have 
/scovared that good advice in something that we 
loutd all be grateful for* Not one of us can be 
spected to have been everywhere and seen every- 
ling. One man may know of some exposed wiring 
i a stock room, another of a forklift wilh no 
rakes. If they share their knowledge, both will 
enefit. If they keep it a secret, they both will die, 
Ve share our experiences so we will not die. This is 
'hat your Work/net i*s Compensation Board is try- 
ig to encourage in the community. We don't want 
> cry, "Look out for that carelessly handled chain 
iw!" When it is too late, 1 hat's why we're crying 
now; too early. 




JjojoA. ojuL (ok. that 

aOurfMAhf. handled. 

chain, aguv! 



WATCH OUT! 



♦John Digby, age thirty-two, longshoreman, was 
working in the hold of the Japanese freighter 
Nippon Ma iu, helping to unload a cargo of im- 
ported saki, When a case "accidentally" broke, 
John and his coworkers consumed several fifths 
of the fiery Japanese booze. Several hours later, 
the foreman found John unconscious behind a ship- 
ment of coior televisions and ordered that he be 
raised from the hold in a sling. John awoke while 
being lifted from the hold in a sling, struggled free 
of his restraints, and fell fifty feet to the dockside. 

•"Bull" Mann, age twenty- two, a logger, was un- 
hooking a choker from a rotten log when the kinky 
cable sprung back and hit him in the face. He be- 
came enraged and threw down his hard hat, which 
was crushed by a Jog, It could just as easily have 
been hts head. Because he had no head protection 
for the rest of the day, he suffered a mild case of 
sunstroke which affected his judgment and caused 
him to lose $700 in a poker game, He was sub- 
sequently forced to move into a poor neighborhood 
and was murdered by Negros. 

•Mick O'Keefe, age twenty-eight, a gas station 
attendant, was killed when a Volkswagen driven by 
a drunk ran into a pump, causing what police 
officials described as a "good deal of fire." 

•Peter Kaminsky, age twenty-nine, a window 
washer, was working nine stories up at the Barbizon 
School of modeling. While leaning over to ascertain 
whether the people in the changing room one 
window over were boys or girls, he lost his balance 
and fell to his death. Ironically, he had already 
fallen once earlier thai day from the third floor 
under similar circumstances. 

•Rod McKuen, age thirty, a zookeeper,was work- 
ing in the monkey house. He failed to notice that 
the music being played to soothe the zoo's recently 
acquired gorilla was by pianist Liherace. When he 
entered the cage, he was repeatedly assaulted by 
the sexually aroused primate. He died later in 
hospital of sodomy-related injuries, 




#102 JOB SAFETY 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU ! 



Rigoberto A. Gonzalez, a member of the United Farm 
Workers' Union, was eating a tortilla in an orange 
tree and listening to loud Hispanic music on an im- 
ported portable radio. Unable to hear the noise of an 
approaching teamster-operated sprayer, Rigoberto 
was doused with lead arsenate and fell from the tree, 
writhing like a waterbug in a bucket of kerosene. 






ppen. 



STAY ALERT! 



#102 JOB SAFETY 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 








Hie Closet 
Paradise 

by Norman Rubington 




Skyline of the f 00 percent proletarian 
cosmopile of Albania offers dynamic proof of state vitality. 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




Meanwhile . . , the homeland readies itself for the coming tuurist invasion. 
Above, clearing rubble from main drag. 



Sealing off frontiers is nations number 
one industry, providing 100 percent 
employment for exclusive proletariat. 



Famous liors d'oeuvres now 
on assembly 
for the assault 
markets. 




70 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



The Albanian Bike 





The Nonpollutimj Tank. A great victory for the 
ecologists.Fuellesssix manpower bicycle-chain 
drive with recoflfess air rifle, omits no gases, 
is clean, silent night stalker. 



They are equally proud of their fisher- 
folk, who .shunning nets, have 
mastered the backhand swipe for 
bringing in a prize catch of tuna of a 
type found only in their waters , . . 




Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 71 




Inauguration of the revolutionary cruise-while-you-work program with double pay for 
overtime. 




?a NA'L'LONAI, fAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



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NATIONAL LAMPOON 73 




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74 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 75 




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76 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



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THE MONTHLY MAGAZINE OF GENERAL TECHTRONICS FALLJ975 




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Jprdnance Division' 
ur-SqiiBie Fireworks P\M 
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Leisure Foods Division " 


U.S.S.Pa/r,S2,50O,O0(XO00 


General TasJee Plant 


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Hydroponic Air/Sea Seining Interdiction 
^^ Shoal Searching Facility ^v 1 






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Comp 

Pass we Rbaiaiu^ 
"imftzeyflh, Japan 



m RESISTORS AND COILS 



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SHAREHOLDERS 



"nticoMWs. N.Y. 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Tfce CkavtmajHis 
Conmen, 



(From the desk of Baxter Nelson, Chairman of the Board) 




When Ozgood Schlotter started the company that became 
General Techtronics barely one hundred years ago, there 
were probably few men alive at that time who could have 
predicted that this small manufacturer of recreational items 
for the Union Army would one day build a $2.5 billion 
hydropnnic shoal searching station. When you stop to think 
1 1 liii the great pyramids of the Pharoahs of Egypt cost a 
mere sixteen million dollars, the mind is filled with awe at 
this awesome undertaking. 

But in a larger sense, the seeds of this project lay in the 
fertile mind of Ozgood Schlotici even then. You may say 
that no man is given to know the future, that the trial and 
turmoil of history is beyond the meager power of the in 
dividual. Maybe so, but Ozgood Schlotter had that rare 
quality of mind that has distinguished great men (and great 
corporations) since the first caveman exchanged a. few shiny 
pebbles for a cloak of fur, . , the possible dream. History's all- 
time greats, from Alexander to Galileo and G, Washington 
Carver, were all dismissed as dreamers. But dreamers are a 
dime a dozen. These men of history were able to take their 
dreams and make them possible dreams because of one sim- 
ple fact . . , they were can-do guys. "Hold on a second 
there, 1 ' you may say to yourself, "I'm just a bun maker at 
the General Tastee plant. What does all this can-do guy stuff 
have to do with me?" You could just as well ask, "What does 
a manufacturer of cupcakes have to do with the production 
of a multibiJikui dollar piece of defense hardware?" and the 
answer would be the same - . ."If you have a positive, cham- 
pionship attitude, and always strive to attain, ah things arc 
possible. Think of GT as a big can-do guy." 

Each of us at GT, from the lowly colored girl who empties 
the ashtray at night to the captains of industry who agonize 
over the weighty decisions in the corporate stratosphere, can 
rightly ask, 4, How do J Jit into the Big Picture?* Think of 
the human body. Does your heart ever ask, **Whal am I 
doing here?" Does your liver tell your feet, "Move over and 
let me take the wheel?" No, they don't, Each part of your 
body has its own job to do. Who takes this pile of unwork- 
able protoplasm and makes it "this thing of wonder" of 
which the poets speak? The Great Designer. And that's what 
a corporation like GT is, a lot of special and different parts 
held together by a board of directors whose superhuman and 
at the same time humbling task it h to fashion our Great 



Design, Possible Dream, call it what you will. Though the 
idea is somewhat out of fashion with liberal apologists, one 
could almost say that there is something divinely right about 
the structure of the corporation. 

Take the family, for example, where the mother produces 
raw materials in the form of children, who are, m their turn, 
made into marketable products tinder the guiding inline nee 
, of the father, whose job it is to provide the Great Design, 
- It works just like a giant corporation, Nothing could be more 
natural, Governments, baseball teams, and labor unions all 
work just like corporations, Even ihe cosmos, vast and mys- 
terious, is like a corporation, where each galaxy, like a giant 
conglomerate down here on Earth, vies for supremacy in 
the galactic marketplace. The various solar systems, like the 
divisions nf GT. organize the work of the planets, each one 
a tiny factory producing the gravity that holds the system 
together as a working whole under the aegis of divisional 
headquarters, the sun. But w he re's the Executive Board, you 
ask? Who do you think keeps the planets from stretching 
their coffee breaks? Who shores up the confidence of the 
stars when sunspots break out like tiny recessions all over 
creation? Who indeed? This may sound a bit cornball. but 
I believe there is a Chief Executive out there, greater than 
all of us, who runs the entire universe, along sound manage- 
ment principles, from the tiniest ant hill to the vast and 
magnificent Crab Nebula, 

^Can we be sure that this is a true picture of die cosmic 
order? If it wasn't, do you suppose for a minute that our 
system of free enterprise, with built in checks and balances, 
could have produced the most prosperous nation in the 
history of mankind? 

As we move forward with renewed dedication, remember 
that it was the Possible Dream (and not the dirt and tilth of 
Freud's nasty mind) that gave us the pyramids, the Steam* 
boat, and the dramatic '"handshake in space." 




Baxter Nelson 
Chairman of the Board 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



GT Exec's Harrowing Ordeal 




Breton Newcombe relaxes Gt Stateside swimming pool after 
harrowing or dura. 

HARICOT, PARAGUAY— Late last month, GTs chief 
of Paraguayan Operations (Amalgamated Bean SA, Trojan 
Rubber SS. Pan-American Labor Exchange, and Crystalline 
Pharmaceuticals) Breton Newcombe was kidnapped by 
partisans of lunatic Popular Coalition of Fronts lor the 
Liberation of Paraguay. The group's name is misleading, for 
they are nut popular, and they intend not to liberate but to 
enslave their own country. 

Newcombe was kidnapped with two aides, both Paraguay- 
ans, as he was leaving the GT enterlainment complex in 
downtown Quasiguay. The trio was hustled into the back of 
a banana cart and driven to the gang's hideout, a tortilla 
joint in the city's slum section. 

After a period of intense negotiations, during which the 
guerrillas threatened to murder their prisoners, GT president 
Baxter Nelson almost agreed to meet demands for a $2.6 
billion ransom, Newcombe was later released when demands 
for a reduced ransom were met. Newcombe was flown to the 
US. after a brief medical examination, and allowed as how 
he was "damn glad to be back.*' 



GT Sets industry First As It 
Appoints First Woman V. R 




"American industry has a long overdue responsibility to 
the millions of working women," With these words, GT 
Chairman Baxter Nelson announced the appointment of 
GT's first female veep, Taffy Crane. In her new position as 
Viee-Presklem for Family Counseling Miss Crane's baili- 
wick will include supervision of pregnancy leave (a frequent 
problem of GT), office parlies, and arranging bus transpor- 
tation for the annual company outing. Miss Crane, who 
joined GT in a secretarial capacity, has worked closely with 
General Planning Systems VJ\ Crosby Millington, accom- 
panying him on many of his frequent trips abroad. "Taffy's 
tidiness, willingness to work, and ready smile set an out- 
standing example," said Mr. Millington, as he ted the list of 
well-wishers at Ms. Crane's maiden press conference, Speak- 
ing on behalf of the more than twenty- live thousand GT 
women worldwide, Ms. Crane promised fruit machines in 
all the halls and a smoking lounge as her first order of 
business, 




kition or another," said Weynridge, 
"but only man, with his unquenchable 
thirst for knowledge, can find a way to 
make it pay off," 



GARDEN MISHAP YIELDS 
RX FOR CORPORATE 
ESPIONAGE 



*&*, 




GT NETS $12,000,000 IN 
ECO-S WEEPS TAKES 

CLEVELAND— T. E. 

"Brick" Weynridge, 
head of GT's Environ 
mental Task Force, an- 
nounced today that GT 
subsidiary, General Pa- 
pers, had landed a twelve million dol- 
lar contract with eight Lake Eric com- 
munities to clear the beleaguered lake 
of lampreys. Beginning immediately, 
the five General Paper plants will con- 
tinue to discharge previously useless 
mercury into the lake in an effort to 
combat the water-borne scourge, "All 
God's creatures make one kind of pol- 




Screaming "Calamine, 
please," General Atom- 
ics G round s keeper 
Dominic Fino passed on 
in a mishap officially 
listed as pulmonary em- 
bolism some thirteen months ago. Eye- 
witness Bob Donnelly, Operations 
Chief of the Laramie Breeder Facility, 
who describes himself as "an ineorrigi; 
ble tinkerer," was not satisfied with the 
official explanation, as he noticed a 
curious three-leafed vine protruding 
from the concrete housing of the re- 
actor. Further investigation, funded in 
part by a two hundred thousand dollar 
Food for Peace federal grant, helped 
Donnelly determine that the real cause 
of Eino's demise was internal hem- 
orrhaging brought on by contact with 
a mutant strain of poison ivy. Further 
breeding and crossbreeding have pro- 



duced some four thousand acres of the 
deadly plant, which will be cultivated 
along corporate and government secur- 
ity fences all over the Free World- Issu- 
ing a stern warning to all trespassers, 
industrial spies, and light-lingered em- 
ployees, Donnelly described the effects 
of the new crimestoppcr. "One touch 
of (he plant will induce an instant and 
irreversible reaction, starting with a 
burning and excruciatingly agonizing 
pain in the genitalia, coupled with si- 
multaneous rupture of the heart, lung, 
spleen, and liver, as well as loss of the 
immortal soul/* With a predicted seven 
figure market, GT plans to enter full 
production by early May. 



TRY 
YOUR 
BEST 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



BUFFALO BAHBECUE 




A good time was had by ait at GT's Buffalo Bar B Q. held 
this year at the Texas ranch oj GT President Baxter Nelson 
(center), Many celebrities wem also present (including ten- 
nis idol Bobby Riggsh and added the glamor of then dy- 
namic personalities to the affair. 








1\ EL "Brick" Weynrtdge. 
gets his first taste oj the shag- 
gy beast that used to roam 
America's plains. "Tastes a 
little like chicken!" he says. 



Thinking Cap 
Awards 



Special thanks and a ci tali on from President 
Baxter Nelson go to David Lcibcrman for his 
unique idea — a method of turning used radia- 
tor water into high octane aviation fuel, by 
means of a three-step process involving chem- 
icals found in every drug store, and machinery 
no more complex lhan a Maytng washing ma- 
chine. Congrats, Dave, and five persona] thank** 
yous! 

Thanks and Jive dollars go lo JVIike MalJoy, 
foik lift operator, for his energy- saving sug- 
gest ion that the air conditioning be turned oft' 
at the Baton Rouge, L.A., defense ordnance 
warehouse. President Ford would be proud ol 
you, Mike — but don't suggest we cut off the 
heat in winter—we've already thought of that! 

Jean Anne Shaker wins live dollars lor spotting 
duplication of effort in the secretarial pool id 
GT HQ. A big saving for the company, Jean 
Anne, all thanks to you who says women 
can't do men's jobs! 

The company's thanks and live bucks to Joseph 
Rheingold, an after-hours engineer whose new 
featherweight concrete enn he cast underwater 
at a tenth the price of regular concrete. Keep 
on working, Joe- — a lot of people are saying 
you Ye foreman material! 

Belated thanks and five dollars to Mary Duke, 
who suggested we produce a clear plastic um- 
brella I hat covers the entire head, Tt turned 
out to be a pretty good idea after all, Mary- 
let us buy you lunch! 



Croshy MUUngton gives 
some fatherly advice to young 
GT secretary. Women can go 
jar with GT if they play the it- 
cards right! 




Assistant hopper dumper Dave Dwacker will 
find an extra live dollars in his pay envelope 
at the end of the month. Dave, an employee of 
General Tustee, suggested (hat recently de- 
veloped preservative PCP be added to most 
(General Tastce recipes, increasing their shelf 
life from six months to thirty-six. Thanks, 
Dave, and keep on thinking — maybe you'll 
come up with the secret of eternal life! 



ENVIRONMENT CORNER 




BEFORE AFTER 

This eyesore pn the New Jersey meadows stood as an 
advertisement for ugliness for many years until GT Plan- 
ning Systems Veep Michael Tzarza decided to do some- 
thing about it. Dipping info the GI Environmental Action 
Fund, Tzarza enlisted the services of a local Cub Scout 
Pack f#,?7. Pi scat a way. NJ.) to bring attention to the 
evils of environmental carelessness, GT is doing its parr. 
How about you? 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



GT VP Makes Posthumous Security Award 



T. E, Weynridge presented Mrs. Leroy Brown with a post- 
humous security award won by her husband Crispus "Big 
Bad Leroy" Brown, who was killed early last week in a 
shootout with thieves at the General Tastee payroll office. 
Brown had been a security guard at General Tastee for al- 
most eleven years, just a month shorf of the period required 
for widow's benefits. 

Mrs. Brown has two sons presently working for General 
Tastee m the packing department, and another who has just 
been temporarily laid off, but who will be rehired in Lhe next 
business cycle, 

After the presentation, Mrs, Brown was treated to u free 
lunch in the cafeteria, which Vice-President Weynridge was 
unable to attend due to other commitments. Mr, Weynridge 
said that Crispus Brown was a fine example of employee 
loyalty, and praised his bravery, He said it was very, very 
unfortunate, but that Brown had done his duty and died 
bravely. He also condemned the criminals who escaped, and 
pointed out that if people would raise their children more 
carefully, this sort of thing would not happen as often. 




Widow weeps at award ceremony. Husband dead bin not 
dishonored as V.P. makes presentation. 



'MOVING ON 1 




ELLES WORTH HUNKER 1897-1975 

Ellesworth Hunker has been with Ciencral Tcchtronics 
almost as long as anyone can remember. From his early 
days, when a Vice-President had to sharpen his own pencils 
with a dangerous pocket knife, to his later days, when he 
kept a staff of eleven to do that and to conduct a polysyl- 
labic defense against efficiency experts, Ellesworth was a 
fixture at GT HQ. Management and staff alike wilt miss his 
cherry **Howdy-do. bucko! " and the sight of the fresh car- 
nation in his lapel every morning, a floral symhol of the 
lushness and youth trapped within the withered, crippled 
flesh. Like many men used to doing things for themselves, 
EJlcsworth never gave up trying to make things go, and 
make them go his way, even if that was often contrary to 
their design. No one will ever forget the time he nearly elec- 
trocuted himself trying to "fix" a "broken" oscilloscope in 
order to watch the Brooklyn Dodgers play the h 55 scries, A 
man who in many respects represented a hygone era and in 
other respects was from the future, he will be missed around 
the office as he will no longer be there. He is survived by a 
wife, "Pinky/* thirty -one- They had no children. As the 
great Rudyard Kipling said, "Phlehas the Phonetian, a fort- 
night dead/ Forgot the cry of gulls, and deep sea swell/ And 
the profit and loss." 



N«ff«, Ca Hflatf , Uv Own Hand 
HulWIIIlitN. "Shl-OHY," 3ft 
Wilson, I- E . JJ2 

tJukkiein, AI, JB 
Karri in F,ky, |i _ U 
Witkinwn.ftt, it, "NtKKlkV 

Walkct, Mike. 34 

J-'flTlllLTlL S. r 4'J 

Hlictikiiiajit Jite, 19 

\l.-ini. I.. jtJ 
Ulixrl*. I. !< 23 
Nnsh. Steve "Giinft" 44 
fliji-i Mini, Abrulmiii. 17 

Mercer. Anthony. 45 

I.iIlJl-U. I' lv "'UnitrnL" ,1N 
K tumor. Air*, t& 
I i IV, LSI ii nil i' , 32 
Sniilh-Stirfcension. 45 
Kaplan flnan. HI 
litiHiiLii! Si "l-tchc," Al 
WetntKKite, JliJliIi. \2 

Iii>[HKlII, Murliil. >h 
ftCWtHWI, llnuut. (7 



['imniiiiin-lmiTlinito 

K<iuiirc/, Jiiiin. I." 1 
llniiliL'Lii'/, lii.ni. 13 
Sanies, Juan. 11 

AIylltv', J Li im, 18 

DuIl-hz. Michvy. (1 
Rdkv, luau. IV 

RoIl/, ]n:iri. Hi 

l.LifiLV, ]it:in, 15 
|.< >P u/. licntiis. 18 
Hchvhcj:. JliHH. II 
Kotcx, Joqri, in 
Pi-riv, iunr. tfl 
Hcamr. Jusm. M 
Bdievanrts, L, u... n 

Itftryef, Juartj, M 
Meruit. J mm. KU 
Kanionci. J mm "Sluilt." 
I Jin*/, Juart, IV 
Tampa*, Man, IV 
Whtrca*, Jimh, ]4 
Rumifca, man, ii 

llaiuhum lirn- Ji 
HtLinhnw. I lit*. 1 1 • 
fi;intbmn. Jw»s 6 nftl. 
EtasnbuiA, Cnvw. * >ii, 3 
[Uiniliiiivi. Man, i. \- 

U.Hiib JtttMi, >K 

KmcbcK. } iniii. \t 
UfflfKGK. Juan. IV 

t IhLlLlltV 1UJII1. t \ 



Vyfoiafcy, "Suisli." 18 
Q'NetU, "Truis "47 

lurt^e. -Hfcifikw," 42 

PryttftfnitltL ■ -lliickvr " SO 
UtHili^in, "ty1w«a-." & 
LiDiMKr, "Hunk- Hunk," M 
\KMufpli>. H 'irmi l.uni;,'" -l<i 

Wtki. I'lik-junc." w 

Dragamm "Sjucafcy.' 3H 
I'fVhriitj.fci, "I'mmh," - 1 ? 
Iloyif "II load Kjmier." U 
Zikov.kv, "Sputm*." H 
Hr.mKuw^i, "Bt UHtll lill." .1,1 
I'm hi. i. "' iiiininv" 2,S 
O'CBMy. illr c, a 

E J lLLHII1Lr.nl, ITIHIIJL'IIVI.'." J.I 

Oi^i/eilSty. "I1i\l :li:iri'i.V" 17 
N,iinmotf. "H:inki >u 
Mttlinuwski. "Baj^iifics*" m 

M t Rii|MM r ■lUn.i^t.-j? 

/uiaililLi, "Hnmi'i.Tv" M 
W.tlmtifci. "Vpriiyfr/' JS 
i.aVercmkP. "Frt^ Vhhil-,"' If 
Wilkiiwvki. ■limtitfr." 27 

NiiI.lii. -Cnhp," « 
OtPttflft, XinmUi." .10 
UTuutc. ' Gubbvr." 24 



MAKE 



HAPPEN 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



MOVING UP 






DIRECTOR OP REVENUE 
CONTROL 

Tcnence Blanket 

Returning to the private sector after 
a prolonged government stint, GT wel- 
comes Terrencc Blanket, whose grasp 
of cost accounting is so sophisticated 
thai those who know him say "he 
dreams in Fortran" (that's the language 
of computers) . One of the pioneers of 
the Creative Medicaid bubble of the 
mid sixties, Terry earned kudos on 
Pennsylvania Avenue as he ferreted 
welfare cheats off the national dole. 
Terry, who is married to the former 
Sally "Coco* 1 Millmgton, is a graduate 
of Texas A & M. Terrence's motto is, 
"In the hands of creative people, ac- 
counting is a creative art." 



V.P. DEVELOPMENT 

Sharouk El Faroun 

Sharouk, known as "Teddy" to his 
American friends, comes 10 GT from 
the oil-drenched emirate of Onan. A 
member of the Royal House, Teddy 
spent the last few years helping out 
around the palace and writing a record 
review column for the local paper. A 
graduate of numerous American mili- 
tary schools, Teddy also turned in three 
semesters at Goddard college, where he 
studied recent Arab history. In addi- 
tion to his duties on GT's International 
Energy Development Council, Teddy 
also hopes to initiate a rock column in 
this magazine. 



OPERATIONS CHIEF— GENERAL 
PARTY WINES (PORTUGALO) 

R ufm Tecumseh Ridge, Brig. Gen.(ReL) 

"Blessed are the peacemakers," that's 
the operating maxim of GTs global 
troublcshooter, as he moves into the 
driver's seat of GT Leisure Food's 
Portuguese corking operation. Follow- 
ing a delicate balancing act as Director 
of Camioncs Generates de Chile, S.A., 
where his close relations with striking 
truckers let workers know there's al- 
ways a sympathetic ear at GT, Gen. 
Ridge quickly won the hearts of Portu- 
guese workers as he lent GT vehicles 
to the local church for use in the an- 
nual workers' outings in the northern 
cities ot Uraga and Leira. 



ffyf\/tefe 3 fa/far/ -GT ADOPTS POOR, UNFORTUNATE ORPHAN 

In this modern world of ours, there are many children 
less fortunate than ours. They are given a rough deal almost 
from the start — conceived and born in places most of us 
would consider unsuitable even for storage. Some arc the 
victims of wars that spring Up like crabgrass when politi- 
cians do not spray tolerance between the flagstones of their 
goals* Others have become orphans thanks to some natural 
catastrophe, like a mine cave-in or an economic recession. 
There are as many ways of becoming an orphan as there are 
orphans* Most of these kids don't have a chance; they enter 
the sack race of life with a twelve -pound handicap. Well, 
we can't help them all, but we can help some. 

One orphan GT is helping is eight-year-old Jesus "Hanni- 
bal" Mendoza, a Brazilian street urchin with bright eyes and 
a quick mind who previously Sacked the will to work because 
he had no parents to motivate him. Now, under the wing of 
GT Brazil, "Hannibal" is being given an opportunity to ac- 
quire a trade. 

Right now, he is an apprentice sweeper at Brasilia Deisel 
Service plant. Later, as he grows older and shows more re- 
sponsibility, other opportunities will open up for him. Now, 
of course, he doesn't earn nearly what he is being paid, so 
we're asking all employees and execs to kick in what they 
can to the "Little Hannibal" Fund. The money will be used 
to pay for his clothing, food, and lodging, and to provide 
him with automotive repair manuals so that he may come 
to understand the workings of internal combustion engines 
and lead a useful life. Remember; If "Hannihal" was your 
sou, wouldn't you want to see he got a chance? 





1 fe.M 1 

Hi jj Hi^l 





TWO GT EMPLOYEES KILLED 

Domentco Sanchez and Gato Monza, employees of 
GT (Paraguay) were killed when impossible demands 
made by kidnappers could not be met. Replacements 
have been found. 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



^Qhdincmd ihc {Bultchpih 



Once upon a time there was a farm, and on it 
lived a little bulldozer whose name was Fer- 
dinand. 





AH the other little bulldozers he lived with 
liked to trundle around and tear up the earth 
and push things down and bump into one 
another, as bulldozers are supposed to do. 



Now, on the bulldozer farm where Ferdinand 
lived, there was an old oak tree. It wasn't a 
very healthy tree, and it wasn't a very beauti- 
ful tree. But it was Ferdinand's favorite spot. 
He would park in its shade all day and smell 
the flower, and doze. 











Sometimes, his mother, who was a cowdozer, 
would wake up and worry about Ferdinand. 
She was afraid he would be lonesome. 

"Why don't you trundle around and tear up 
the earth and push things down like bulldoz- 
ers are supposed to do?" she would asfc. But 
Ferdinand would shake his cabin. "I like it 
better here where I can just park and smell 
the flower and doze," 



sUalion by nick MoyU'fWit/ 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



I 



As time went by, Ferdinand grew until he was 
very powerful. 





All the other bulls who had grown up with 
Ferdinand would still trundle around and tear 
up great gobs of earth and push things over. 
Their greatest wish was to be picked to go and 
work in the city and build splendid new build- 
ings. But not Ferdinand. He still liked to park 
under the old oak tree and smell the flower 
and doze. 



J 




AH the other bulldozers trundled around ai 
top speed, tearing up the earth and pushing 
things down and bumping into one another 
so that the men would think they were the 
biggest and the toughest and the meanest and 



pick them. 



li 



One day, five men in very weird hats came to 
the bulldozer farm. They wanted the biggest, 
toughest, meanest bulldozer there was to push 
down the very last tree in the city and build 
the world's tallest building where it had been. 




Copyright ©2007. National Lampoon Inc 



I 




Ferdinand knew they wouldn't pick him, and 
he didn't care. He just trundled out to his 
favorite old oak tree to park. Now, someone 
had left a jackhammer under Ferdinand's 
tree. It was a nasty, rusty old jackhamrner, 
and it didn't like being disturbed. 



10 



Ferdinand didn't notice the jackhamrner. In 
fact, he parked right on top of it. Now, if you 
were a jackhammcr and a bulldozer parked 
on top of you, what would you do? You'd 
give him a good poke with your hammer, 
Jack! And that's just what the old jackham- 
mcr did P 




I 



\f I 



.* mm 



^w^- 





Ferdinancl went crazy. He tore up the earth 
and drove through hills and dug great holes 
and pushed things down , . , much, much 
more than even bulldozers arc supposed to 
do. 



12 



The five men cheered, Here was the biggest, 
toughest, meanest bulldozer of all. Just the 
thing to tear down the very last tree in the city 
and build the world's tallest building. 




Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




15 



There were many splendid people there. All 
fhe ladies had flowers in their hats ■ ■ . and all 
the fine gentlemen had flowers in their suits. 




16 




Then the parade began* First came the archi- 
tects, w'dh rolled- up maps and charts and lots 
of sharp pins to stick in them. 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



17 



18 



Next came the lawyers, with writs and deeds 
and documents to show that everything was 
alt right. Then came the mayor* He waved to 



everyone and looked as proud as could be. 
He was going to dig the very first hole after 
the very last tree had been pushed down. 




19 






20 



t 




And last of all came — you guessed it — the 
most important person of all: Ferdinand. He 
trundled towards the very last tree in the city. 
Everyone cheered and clapped and shouted 
because they thought he was going to tear up 
the earth and push down (he tree and bump 
around as bulldozers are supposed to do. 



But not Ferdinand. He looked around at all 
the flowers in the ladies' hats and the gentle- 
men's suits. He had never seen so many beau- 
tiful flowers in one place. So when he got to 
the tree, he just parked quietly in its shade 
and smelled and began to doze. 




Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 






21 




22 



And when they got him back to the bulldozer 
farm, they took off his blade and his cabin and 
his tracks and his engine, and they unscrewed 
all his insides and on (.sides . . . 



UL 



Whatever they did, Ferdinand wouldn't tear 
up the earth and push down the tree as he was 
supposed to do. The arehiteefs poked him 
with their charts and the lawyers hit him with 
their briefcases, and the mayor got so mad he 
cried. Now he would never get to dig his hole. 
So they took Ferdinand home. 



r 





. , , and there the new Ferdinand is to this day, 
tearing up the earth and trundling around and 
pushing things down, just like bulldozers are 
supposed to do, 



24 



. . . and they put him back together so that he 
wasn't Ferdinand anymore. 




The End 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



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HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO A SINGLE GIRL! 



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Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc, 



SHIRKING 

wutinitvd hum ttunv -/JJ 



JACK MONAHAN 



He's forty-seven and still pounds a 
beat as a policeman on the upper 
west side of Manhattan, tie's a big 
man with a big waistline and a big, 
beef -red face, He's the perfect model 
for the Irish cop, the "flatfoot" 
"Sometimes they call trie flatfoot to 
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problems" 

If s true about my feet. I can't do 
too much walking or my feet will 
swell up like balloons. They're al- 
ways going to sleep on me. I get 
that tingling and buzzing sensation t 
which means they're numb. Feels 
like there's a thousand flies caught 
in my socks. 

I try to sit as much as possible. 
There's a nice little bar on Broad- 
way and Ninety -second Street where 
I can sit with my feet up on the 
table and sort of watch what's going 
on outside. Larry, the bartender, 
throws a few free beers my way 
while I'm doing my street watch. I 
like to take my shoes off while I'm 
having my beers and that always 
gets Larry mad, Larry says my feet 
smell disgusting. Funny, I can*t 
smell them myself. Can't bend that 
low. Maybe it's something I picked 



up during the war. Jungle rot I was 
in the Pacific in forty-two. They say 
you can smell it right through my 
shoes. 

Larry makes me wear a towel over 
my feet so I won't offend his cus- 
tomers. He's O.K., though. I figure 
with all the free beers and roast beef 
sandwiches he throws my way, he 
doesn't ever have to take care of me 
at Christmas. But he does. I guess 
he figures that with a cop in his place 
most of the afternoon and evening, 
there won't be any trouble with 
drunks and wise guys. He says I 
don't even have to pack a gun. Just 
wave my feet at them and they'll 
faint. (Laughs.) Like that TV com- 
mercial, Larry is a real card. 

You got to be careful in this neigh- 
borhood or you'll find yourself in 
volverJ in a crime of some sort. We 
got our share of coloreds and Puerto 
Ricans up here. They comprise most 
of your criminal clement. They're 
always hanging around liquor stores 
or those crummy little hotels where 
they live. I never go near them. I 
always try to hang around the nicer 
parts of my beat. Like Larry's, or 
some other places which I'm not at 
liberty to reveal. 

My philosophy is: If you don't go 
looking for trouble, trouble won't go 
looking for yon. People who get in 
trouble, it's their own damn fault. 
It's not my fault and it's none of my 
business. As soon as I hear a shout 



like, "Help! Police!" I lose myself. 
I duck into Larry's back room or 
some other place I can't reveal at 
the moment. 

Sometimes I accidentally get 
caught in the middle of a crime, 
and 1 have to use my modern police 
detection techniques. Like just last 
week, I was in the dry cleaners get- 
ting my pants pressed. I was sitting 
in the back, in my BVDs, having a 
few beers with the presser, when a 
couple of boogies walk in and stick 
up the place. Murray, the owner, 
knows I'm in the back and he talks 
it up loud and clear to let me know 
he's being robbed. But I'm certainly 
not going to risk my life shooting it 
out with a couple of gun-crazy jiga- 
boos over a hundred dollars or so. 
No way! Besides, I'm sitting there in 
my underwear* and my feet won't 
wake up, So I deliberately let them 
get away. This is where my modern 
police techniques come in handy, I 
told Murray not to get upset. I said 
that yon don't apprehend criminals 
by going bang, bang all the time. 
You make them think that they've 
gotten away, then you put out an 
APB on them, you follow them, you 
give them a lot of rope so they can 
hang themselves. Then you corner 
them and nail them with the goods. 
This way you don't have to shoot up 
the place and cause a lot of damage 
and noise. That cops and robbers 
Stuff is for the movies, not for real 

continued on page 97 



Give her enough Roach, and she'll hang herself 




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Catch the elusive 
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NATION AL LAMWP» 



^nyoorfto 




With all its fun, frivolity, and asinine comments, combining the mammoth production of a 

Busby Berkeley epic, the sly wit of a Noel Coward bedroom comedy, and the sophisticated 

commentary on contemporary life of a 1 lenny Youngman commentary on contemporary 

life. . all this in one unprecedented, unplanned, unbelievable revue. 

To see it,, .you've got to be there! 






September , 



Foirlergh Dickinson U* Rulherford. N.J. 8 k 

Westchester Coll. West Chester, Pa. 8 p. 

Ridei Coll. Tienlon N.J. 8 p. 

St. John sU, Queens, NY,. 8 P.M. 

Queens CoN.. Flushing NY. 8 P.M 

U. of Massachusetts, Mass., 8 P.M. 



\i 
19 
20 
21 
22 
23 
24 

StateU. Oswego N.Y. Op. w. 25 

Cornell U., Ithaca N.Y..8IW. 26 

SyruuiseU Syracuse NY 8 P.M. 27 

R.P.l.Troy. N.Y 8k*\. 26 

Noriheosiern U.. Boston Mass., 8 P.M. 29 

Southeastern Mass. LL North Dartmouth. Moss, Q P.M. 30 

October 

Central Conn. State Col I New Britatn Conn., 8 P.M. I 

Middlesex Cnmm, Coll.. Edison. NJ.. ( I km ) 2 

Moniclair State Coll. Upper MontcW NJ h . (8 p.m.) 

Queen sboro Co mm. Coll.. Bay side N.Y.. 8 p. m. 3 

American U. Washington DC. 8 p.w.. 4 

Dickinson U.. Carlisle. Pa.. 8 p.m. 5 

6 

Itenton State Coll., Trenton. NJ. 8 P.M. 7 

Clark U, Worcester, Mass.. 8 p.m. & 10 p.m. 8 

Monmou tb CoJ I . . Wea t L ong branch N J. 8 P.M. 9 

County Col lege Morns Dover NJ . 8 kav 10 

Brooklyn Coll Brooklyn NV.8 kw I I 

U. of Delaware. Newark Del. 8 P.M. 1 2 

13 

Boston Coll.. Broaklme. Moss . 8 P.M. I 'I 

Bryant Coll. SmitWidd K.I. 8 n .v.. 8. 10 p.m. 15 

U tjf Rhode Island Kingston Rl ficw. 16 

U. ol Hartford Hartford. Conn., 8 p,W. 17 

U of New Haven. West Haven Conn.. 8 p.m. 18 

rraminghom State Coll.. Framjnghain Mass.. 8 p v. 19 

Plymouth State Coll.. Plymouth. N.H.. 8 km, 20 

Fairleigh Dickinson U Mndisan NJ. 8 km. 21 

Foirletqh Dickinson U. Teancck NJ 8 r.rV,. 22 

U of lowelJ Lowell Mass 8 p„m 73 

Moss. Institute of Technology, Cambridge. Mass,. 8-1 

Franklin Pierce Coll. .Rindge. N.H. 8 p.m. 25 
U. of New Hampshire Durham N.H. 8 1 



Foirfield LL Fa tr held. Conn, 8 km. 

StateU, Farmingdole, ParmingdaJe, L.I, N.Y., km. 

State U. Oneonta. Oneonta N.Y. 8 p.m. 

State U. Albany Albany NY ft p.m. & 10 KM 

Alfred U. Alfred NY. 8km 

State U, Fredonia Fredonia NY.. 8 p.m. 



27 

28 State U. Potsdam Potsdam NY. 8 1> m. 

29 Bulfolo State: U. , Buffalo. NY, 8km. 

30 State U. Ooncseo, Gencsco, N.Y. 8 P.m. 

31 { \ y aa .] Erie Community Col I . Buffalo N Y 
(8 km.] U. of Rochester, Rochester. N.Y. 

November 

1 Seneca CoJL, Toronto, Canada., 8 P.M. 

2 LeMoyneCnJI Syracuse NY ft km. 
3 
4 
5 
6 
7 
B 
9 
10 

li Seton Hall U. Orange, NJ. 8 p.m. 

12 Rulyers LL Camden, NJ.. 8 p.m. 

13 California State Coll, California, Pa.. U km, 

14 (1 mm ) Allegheny Comm Coll.. 5o Campus. West Mifflin. Pa 
(9 P.m.) Denntson LL Granville Ohio 

15 U- of Cincinnati, Cincinnat t Ohio. 8 p.m. 
l^5l)owco.seTlieolie Delmit Mhh, 7 F.M. 
17 

18 Delta Coll Bay City Mich ,8 fm, 

19 [astern Michigan U.. YpsiJanti Mich., 8 p.m. 

20 U. of Michigan Ann Arbor Mich, 6 P.M. 

21 Oakland U. Oakland Midi. G p.m". 

22 Schoolcrafi Call. Livonia, Mich . 8 KM, 

22 Cnrnpgie Mellon LI Pittsburgh Pa ft p M 

2 A Slippery Rock Coll., Slippery Rock Pa.. 8 km. 

25 mdrana U. of Pennsylvania. Indiana. Pa.. 8 P.M. 

December 

2 Wdcjn^r foil Stolen island, N Y , 8 p.m 

3 Adelphi LL Garden City NY. 8 P.M. 

4 Sienna Coll.. Londonville, N.Y,, 8 km. 

5 Brown LL Providence R I. 8 KM. 

6 Qummpjoc Coll. Hamden. Conn., 8 KM. 

7 Glossboru SltileColL Glussbcjm. NJ. 8 p.m. 



Now booking winter and spring. For availabilities, booking information, call: 
COLLEGE ENTERTAINMENT ASSOCIATES 101 Park Ave., N.Y., N.Y. 10017 (212)725-2314 

RANDd®PS3L1j) Mm^m^f^vkimshm Arts Division 



SHIRKING 

continued from page 9$ 



life. I assured Murray that we'll get 
the son of a bitch bastards. I put out 
a full alarm for thorn — full dragnet 
Besides, I said, you didn't want a 
shooting in your store, did you, Mur- 
ray? It's not good for business. 
Scares people away, Murray dimity 
understood my technique. Some of 
the other businessmen who got 
robbed didn't understand my tech- 
nique as well as Murray, Sometimes 
they get mad and try to get me trans- 
ferred. The hell with them. I figure 
it this way: Most of the spades and 
PHs rob each other and end tip fight- 
ing among themselves. 80 I leave 
well enough alone, Let them kill 
each other off. There'll be less crimi- 
nals on the street. 

Not that I'm a racist. Not at all. 
Hell, I got to do business with every- 
body, all kinds. Where would a cop 
be if he couldn't do business with 
everybody? We all have to do a busi- 
ness, if you know what I mean. I got 
your Jewish store owners, your 
Puerto Rican bodegas, even those 
two colored fags who opened a cloth- 
ing store are very nice people, They 
all take care of me and I take care 
of them. It's a living, if I can stay 
off my feet. 

ERIC STEELE 

He is a disc jockey for station 
KTTM in La J alia, California. He 
prefers to call himself an audio 
"painter" He is twenty -seven, was 
born in Los Angeles, and "majored 
in beachcombing, surfing, and a Utile 
light studding" before he got his job 
as a late night jock. He admits that 
his "light studding 71 with Rick Trau- 
ers f the station manager, got him the 
job, but insists that it was a perfectly 
harmless sex without love thing and 
"neither one of us is really emotion- 
ally involved and we still have our 
own healthy love lives with no hang- 
ups. I'm not even hi. I don't even 
like to do Hick. I just sort of lay 
back and he does me." 

I guess I sort of drifted into my 
job, I was sitting at the Hang Nme 
Bar nursing a few beers. That's how 
I used to do my drinking. I'd nurse 
someone else's beer. When this guy 
or girl would leave their beer on the 
counter and go to the bathroom or 
make a phone call, I'd grab a few 
quick swallows out of their glass. I 
never pay for my own beers. Any- 
way, I was nursing a few beers when 
this guy came in and sort of be- 
friended me. Later, when smok- 
ing ... a pretty nice stick of Panama, 
I might add (laughs nervously), he 

continued on pane JOii 



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TO BE PALS WITH Ml AM BAK-t-R* HE WAS 
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102 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



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SHIRKING 

wtttimtcd frum page V? 



asked me if I wanted to have my 
own radio show, I said O.K., sure. 
It was Rick Travers, the station 
manager. He needed a disc jockey 
for a nighttime slot, from ten to one 
a.m. He liked my style, I guess. I'm 
really a laid back kind of guy, I 
mean, I don't have to say much to 
get my message across. I guess my 
eyes tell a lot about me. And my 
body. I've got this very expressive 
body that like , , . expresses things 
by instinct. There's times when I 
don't even know what my body is 
going to do next, except that it's 
always the right thing, always the 
cool, laid back thing. You'd be sur- 
prised at how much you have to use 
your body in your work as an audio 
painter, 

I usually get up around twelve 
noon or one. I'm getting a little 
more wiped out than usual. I keep 
telling myself not to mix Inglcnook 
Red with Panama Red, but I always 
lose the battle. But I'm going to win 
the war. 

So I get myself out of bed and 
there's usually a couple of chicks 
around who are cleaning up and 
making breakfast, I don't eat much 
for breakfast. Maybe a frozen blintz 
and a bottle of plum wine, One of 
the chicks leads me to the shower 
(I'm still wiped out) and soaps me 
all up and washes me down, and 
maybe if I'm half awake she might 
do me. 

I'm a night person , . . which is 
probably why Rick wanted me to do 
his late night show. What I mean is 
. . , I can't get really grooving until 
like nighttime. So during the day I 
usually hang out and get my head 
together. What I mean is . , . I'm get- 
ting all kinds of stuff together in my 
head for my show. Like what kind of 
mood I'm going to be In, That deter- 
mines what kind of music I'm going 
to play. Also, I like to just lay back 



and dig things and people. Like . - , 
just let my eyes or my body take 
over, I react a lot. I like clothes a 
lot. 1 look good in nice, expensive 
clothes. So one of my girl friends 
usually picks out a lot of different 
clothes and brings them up to the 
house for me to look at J can dig 
doing that about two, three times a 
week, 

I like to walk barefoot around the 
house a lot. Like ... with nothing 
but a towel around my waist. That 
feels Rood, Sometimes, one of the 
chicks will put a joint in my mouth 
so I can take a puff. That feels good, 
too. 

About four, five o'clock or so I can 
feel what my mood for the night will 
be and I usually call Ziggy, the 
music librarian, and clue him into 
my mood, Ziggy picks the music I 
play. He also picks these poetry rec- 
ords. Then he lines up the material 
in the right sequence and types out 
the title of every record and who's 
on it, in case I want to announce the 
title and who's on it when I'm on 
the air. If I'm not in the mood to do 
it, that's cool, too, 

A lot of times I'm really not in the 
mood to do my show, so I call up my 
protege', Jimmy, and he does it He 
sounds just like me and he can read 
all the record titles and artists' 
names almost as well as I can, I let 
Jimmy do my show about three or 
four times a week. He just does 
something like . . /'This is Jim North* 
rup sitting in for Eric Steele, who is 
a little under the weather tonight 
, , ." and that usually takes care of 
any obligations I might have. Ba- 
sically, he's still doing my concepts. 
I mean . . . he's really translating my 
moods and feelings, which is the im- 
portant thing. 

So if I'm not actually doing the 
show, I'm usually partying, which is 
not really wasting time because I'm 
into people and what they want to 
hear, musically, I mean, I dig peo- 
ple, I guess. At least at night when 



my eyes and my body sort of come 
alive. People who have heard my 
show say they can picture my eyes 
and my body. It's like I'm right 
there in the room with them, you 
know? And that's the highest com- 
pliment you pay an audio painter! I 
guess. I can really dig my job when 
people tell me that, 

FRANK "FRITZ" LATROBE 

He is fifty-three years old- — a large 
man with a nondescript pudding 
face and an almost gracefully widen- 
ing pear-shaped body. He owns The 
Pig's Tail, once a [airly popular bar 
and grill with bus drivers and dis- 
patchers in Stanglcvitle, Wisconsin. 
The Pig's Tail was across the street 
from the bus depot, but today the 
depot is closed and the buses and 
the bus drivers are gone. Latrobe sits 
behind the bar and stares at the 1073 
calendar he hasn't bothered to re- 
place, He wipes the bar counter over 
and over with a dirty rag, wiping out 
imaginary wet spots as he talks. 

The* I'ig's Tail used to he what. i:i 
called a hangout. We were well 
known as a place where the bus driv- 
ers came for a shot or a beer, or may- 
be an American cheese sandwich. 
When my wife was alive, she made 
the American cheese sandwiches. 
The bus workers always used to kid 
her about her sandwiches, how hard 
and dry they were. Hey, Bertha, 
they would say, give me one of those 
sandwiches, I got a big hole in one 
of my bus seats, I can use it as a 
patch. Or, hey, Bertha, give me one 
of those sandwiches, I want to poi- 
son some woodchucks. I don't miss 
her, though. She was always pushing 
me to expand the place, hire move 
help, decorate, and God knows what 
else. She didn't know how to moke 
American cheese sandwiches so 
good, but she sure did know how to 
spend my inoueyl She ran away with 
the bus dispatcher. 

I'm glad I didn't listen to her 

von tinned on pHgt* SJt 




Hid NATION AM, AM POON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



THRILLING AMAZING FANTASTIC ADVENTURES / Wrightson-Preisa 



mwb mt inc 



Dossier 1 UJ.O/s 



OFFICIAL BOCUMFMY-LJAt tUNt HULLYWUCl&^tr'OSAJ*. JHt ALIENS HAVt iRANSPORfTBO 
TH€M$EiYe$ TO rsft&ACM! t&T&F Wf LAST OvtfifcZ AMMATtGM COMPAwV- " WHG&E 

AfmPtcmi P#otx*crfa&$ /$ &LMiN& trs latent f^aturb-'Q^ach PA&ry 

FUNGUS MEETS THC MARTIANS' 



//■OS &M.A& B&ASG ANO FUNGUS 
ACTG& HAKfZY FLANCLL Af&?AJVG£ 
FOR A &U/CK LOAM- OU T f 




r^, TMSHS COmS A TtMB WALL HUMOR &TRiP3 WMBN A &U&JBCT I* §0 TRAGIC, $0 HARMFUL TO TH6 CHARACT&&6 WHO'&G 
{{JJ MVQLV£P f THAT IT PMwt PAROPY, DBFfBB SAT/RG^, PSFt&S CQfAEPY,„ but w»'U wwhiU^ can dp,*, 




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HOW MUCU 




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PON'TWOfcRY, FOLKS ,„JiLL f 3 
MOTMGft WILL MflKS ITS 



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NATIONAL LAMPOON UI7 




1 wondler ujfu) lamb , 
a frequent speciq/ 



Waiter J! Iwst consult with 
the kj-fcie/i . 







Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



M U L-E: '3 DINER 



rr HAPPENED AT THE 
WEDDING RECEPTION 
FOR MURRAY oXg ANP 
5i£i>lA &OlL. 



/T h/A5 LATE. 97BLLA 
Ja/ENT UPSTAIRS TO 
THFiR HOTEL ROOM TO 
&£T REAPY FOR TH£t% 

f//?st ji/wr fo&efher. 




MURRAY 5?0QP UP AT 
THE H£AP TABlB TO 
SAY &OOP N/&HT TO 
Hi5 &(/E$T$, 



WW AU EYES ON MM, 
MURRAY UNEXPECTED!-/ 
L£T GO tf/TN A tiV&G, 




PEOPLE $AT iN 5T0NNEP 
$ttfN££* -THEN THEY ALL 
3Z&AN 70 TALK AT ONCE* 



MURRAY WAS MQRT(~ 
FIEV, FINALS HE M0B 
yiM^ELF WALj{ our f MB 
FRONT POOR Of THE & 
Nor El 
i 



HE K£Pf WALKING 
UNTIL H£ WA5 OUT OF 
TOWN- WHERE tfB 
SPENT THE WG-ttf- 



-fH£ H$Xt Vtif, H£ 

HITCHHIKED ACROSS 

COUNTRY* 




Murray settled in a 

pfiALL TOWN, fOOR A 
NEW NAME, bOT A JOB, 
AND HVED QU/FTiy Foj? 
TEN YEARS. 



ONE PAY, H£ BECAME 

nostal &ic foR nome. 

SURELY, NO ONB WOULD 
REMFM8FR AFTER TEN 
YEARS. 




he took a r%A!M mm, 

ANP WHEN HE ARRIVE* 
EP, PECipep TO 
WALK AROUND. 



HE WAS MAPPy it nu\ 
&Q0P TO BE BACK, tfg 
WALKED By SOME 



V01CS5 WERE C0M1N& 
FROM AN OPEN WINDOW, 
A LITTLE &/RL WAS 
TALR/N& -TO HER fplVER. 
MURRAY LiSTENEP. 



ff i10tim^5HE 5A/D, "f CAN 
WV£R REMEMBER THE 
DATE OF MY BIRTHDAY" 



"WATS EA$Y* REPLIED tfB% 
MOTHER/ Jf ?$ WE DAY 
AFTER ffi£ ANNIVERSARY 
Of MURRAY'S FflRTt" 




MURRAY 0X£ LEFT H/S 
HOME TOWN fQR GOOD- 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



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110 NATIONAL I.AMI'OON 




Copynght(s)2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



97^ TTUMA 



SHIRKING 

wmlitmi'd 



suggestions. Look what happened 
around here. The bus depot closed 
down about eighteen years ago and 
it's gotten pretty quiet around this 
part of town. What did I have to 
spend money to fix up the place? 
Thfc old crowd is gone. What do I 
need fancy decorations and a wait- 
ress for? The place is still plenty 
good enough for the kind of trade I 
get. I get mostly your transients, 
Mostly people who are lost and want 
directions on how to get to the main 
highway to Green Bay or to Milwau- 
kee or someplace like that, Some- 
times they'll have a fast shot or a 
beer out of courtesy, Sometimes a 
few hunters drop in on the way to 
Kaukuna or Greenleaf. I used to get 
some of those crazy teenagers who 
were too young to drink but they 
found me out and made me pay a big 
fine, so I don't serve them anymore. 

We used to have a few regulars 
here. You know> people who lived in 
the neighborhood who didn't mind 
all that noise from the buses. But 
they're dying out like flies, those 
people. 

We're not far from Green Bay, 
you know, but the, Packers have 
never been here. We don't have any 
of that fancy sluiT like jukeboxes or 
pinball machines, so we might not 
appeal to them. Also, I don't like to 
carry too many types of liquor, all 
those brands I know I can never sell. 
There's no call for them. Why should 
I stock all them fancy liquors like 
scotch anrl gin if there's no call for 
thein? I just carry a little whisky 
and some beer, 

There isn't much to do once I 
open the bar, which I don't normally 
open until maybe five o'clock be- 
cause there's no sense in opening 
earlier — there's no one around. I 
know the place can use a little bit 
of improvement, but I'm lacking in 
the necessary funds at the moment. 
Like the calendar on the wall, for 
instance. It was given to me in 
seventy-three by one of the liquor 
salesmen, but I don't order his 
brands anymore so he hasn't come 
around to give me a new calendar. 
I can't go ordering his brands if 
there's no call for them, right? 

Bertha used to kid me. When are 
you going to get off your behind, 
Fritz? The place needs a paint job. 
How do you expect to get one of 
them free Budweiser color displays 
nnd ashtrays if you don't order more 
than a keg of beer every two months? 
Boy, she used to go on and on. Tell 
you the truth, I'd like to sell the 
place. If you hear of anybody who is 
interested, let me know, 




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SHIRKING 

continued from pose 111 



BRADD BLAKE 

He's thirty -five but looks forty -five. 
Tall, not handsome , but personable. 
His big assets seem to be his crinkly 
smile and constant grin and giggle. 
His dopey t silly face makes it all 
look lovable and happy-go-lucky* He 
always looks as if he walked into a 
studio by mistake and suddenly 
found himself on TV. "A lot of times 
I feel 0$ if I walked into the show 
by mistake. I'm still surprised they 
hired me." 

I guess you could call mo a dope. 
I'm one of those guys who you look 
at and say, "Jesus, what a dopey 
looking guy." I not only look like a 
dope, I also behave like a dope. I 
never did much of anything with my 
life. I'm somewhere between an out- 
right failure and a mediocrity, I 
never could hold on to a job for very 
long. One of the main reasons is that 
I drink a lot I mean I really drink a 
bunch! (Laughs.) I guess being 
dopey and being drunk a lot seem 
to go together. That's the combina- 
tion that landed me my current job, 
I'm a TV weather reporter, and I 
make a hundred thousand a year. 

My family had a little money- 
some of which T inherited and 



quickly spent on frivolous items such 
as booze, booze, and more booze, 
Somewhere in my wanderings, I 
made the acquaintance of a casting 
director at CBS. She told me they 
needed a weather reporter for their 
eleven o'clock news show mid asked 
me to come down to the casting ses- 
sion. They cast for a weather re- 
porter like they cast for actors and 
actresses. It's all show business. The 
big thing for a newscaster or a 
weather reporter or sportscaster is 
how you look on TV, what kind of 
image you project. You don't have 
to know a thing. I certainly didn't 
know a damn thing about meteorol- 
ogy. 

Well, 1 staggered in to the casting 
session about an hour late for my 
appointment and I was stewed to the 
gills, as they say, I must have been 
acting sillier than usual because the 
producer took one look at me and 
said, "He's perfect. I love him. 
He's hired/* He told me that they 
wouldn't have to do much to my 
image, that I should just act natural. 
Just smile and grin a lot, giggle, 
make silly little jokes that no one 
can understand* and always have an 
optimistic tone in your voice. Well, 
that's me to a T. 

So it seems like I'm just the per- 
fect type for a TV weatherman. The 



main thing is to look and act stupid, 
and I sure take the cake in that 
department. The next important 
thing is not to worry how stupid you 
look, Just sail through it all. Of 
course, five or six Daiquiris before 
the show gets me in the right mood. 

The great thing about being a TV 
weather reporter is you don't have 
to know a thing about the weather or 
meteorology or whatever, I certainly 
don't. I couldn't even tell you which 
way the wind is blowing. The next 
thing I learned is that you don't 
even have to read the weather map 
correctly. I have a lot of trouble see- 
ing my cue cards and teleprompter 
unless I wear glasses and I don't 
look good in glasses, so I'm always 
squinting and straining to get the 
words right, which I miss very often* 
They made me wear contact lenses; 
but that only made things worse. So 
I half read and half fake it. Nobody 
knows the difference out there in TV 
land anyway, right? Besides, the 
weather is so unpredictable. Changes 
every other hour. 80 what I predict 
may turn out to be correct. 

Just look happy and give every 
weather report an optimistic tone. 
The resort owners in our area really 
like me for that. I always convey the 
feeling that the weather is going to 
be great, no matter what. They really 

continued on paffo US 






UEA0b0He.lS>^HK>HJT'oS10MEt> 
ON flSOTTHEN THINGS rWPEN,UKt 
*ItMEWARPS ( AW«B*UTyF>M>ES.THESe 

FOG OuT5CAU5t CURIOUS DiSrofttiOMS < 

MWDftwMV 



Northern Comfort Communications 

presents THE FIRST TESTAMENT 

OF CHEECH WIZARD 

The Cartoon Messiah 



. A standard classic 
ot cartoon art" 



Take it from the Hat.. .dollar for dollar Vaughn B ode's Dead bone will get you 
higher longer than anything else on today's inflated market, Deadbone is 80 
pages, a big 9" x 12" hardcover hook, printed in halftone 81 liitis, perfectly 
reproducing Bode's original vision of Dead bone Mountain— f cur mites high and a 
billion years back. There is nothing else like it, Deadbone is available at your 
favorite bookstore or directly from NCC. Stay high I Send $14,95 for Deadbone 
and free catalog of other Bode artwork. 

Deadbone is available in a limited edition of only 250 copies, bound in Skivcrtcx 
feather, gold stamped, numbered, and individually signed by Vaughn Boda, at 
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Send n/l.0., check or Banluimericard- 
Nlastercharge card no. & expiry date. 
To; NCC, Dept.A, MainSt 
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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 113 




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Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



The Kitchens 




NOBODY DOESN'T U 



o 



f Sara Lee 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




COMPLETE C....N .6 . UUL1IVATOR: fcuplairis i»(j«Unhf>wl(j|M&nl 

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SHIRKING 

continued from pagf-lTS 



like me for that. I'm always finding 
a few extra bucks in my mail slot at 
the office from these "admirers" and 
"fans" and the money comes in en- 
velopes with hotel names on them. 
I still can't get. over it. A hundred 
thousand a year plus my resort 
owner money. You know something? 
Maybe I'm smarter than I thought. 

BOBBY "BOOTS" SWEENEY 

He's a thirty-two- year r old profes- 
sional baseball player. He's what 
sports writers call a "hard-luck guy" 
because injuries have severely ham- 
pered, what was a promising career. 
He* $ a "bench jockey/* We spoke be- 
tween "takes" for a feminine deodor- 
ant commercial "Boots" was doing. 

I been with the team through good 
years and bad. I come up from dou- 
ble A I was a bonus baby, you 
know— back in sixty -six. I got a life- 
time average of .400, which ain't bad, 
and anyone says it*s cause I only 
been up eight times is fulla shit. 
J ealous. 

Sure, it's nice to be with a con- 
tender, and a share of series money 
is nice to get but I'm a pro. We're 
all pros. And we know you can ? t win 
'em all. Yon just got to give it every- 



thing you got. Your best shot. That's 
what I've always done, and I guess 
that's why I haven't played all that 
much. I just, can't go easy on that 
pulled hamstring of mine, and any 
time, I round first g^ng. you know, 
all out . . . well, I pull the goddamn 
thing again, that's all 

The fans know that. They appre- 
ciate that In my opinion, we got the 
greatest fans in baseball right, here. 
In seventy I was in good shape, I 
started the season in left field, and 
the first couple games, a homestand 
against Cleveland 1 think it was, 1 
went four for six at the plate. Then 
the damn hamstring went on me, 
rounding first. But these fans here* 
come all-star voting time, hell, they 
voted for me, I placed third. That 
made me real proud. 

Most other years, I pulled the 
hamstring in spring training. String 
training, my wife calls It. Ha-ha. Ex- 
cept in seventy -two, In seventy -two, 
I broke my goddamn toe. 

You think warming the bench is 
easy? I got news for you> it ain f t. 
You gotta stay alert, gotta keep up 
that chatter, ride the pitcher, ride 
the ump, shoot beaver, pat your 
teammates* asses when they homer. 
You gotta be able to stay awake 
through a slow double header, extra 
innings maybe, between a pair of 



sixth place teams in late August. 
Shit. Fuckin' umpire like to doze off, 
but in the dugout, you gotta look 
alive, follow the play. You might be 
on TV, you know. 

Not to mention splinters. I got 
splinters from some of the benches 
in this league. No joke. 

No, I*m not gonna get traded. 
There's a rule. The ten year rule. 
They can't unload me, pal. I'm well 
liked in this town. 

I do some endorsements, sure, but 
only for products I really believe 
in. I gotta own shares in a company 
before I'll go on television and ad- 
vise a fan to buy it I got principles. 

In the off season, I do banquets, 
communion breakfasts, guest ap- 
pearances, talk shows, a little model- 
ing, I keep busy. But baseball's my 
life* I'd like to stay with the organi- 
zation. T think I'd make a pretty 
good first base coach, when I retire, 
but Fd settle for a front office job. 
Public relations , maybe. 

J nit that's all in the future. I 
mean, the new DH ruling means I'll 
be with the team, on the inactive 
list, for another couple of seasons. 
At least. 

Not everybody can be a Hall-of- 
Famer. Sure, I'd love it, I'd be hon- 
ored. But I don't expect it Looking 
back, I'd say, even with all the pain, 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



the pulled hamstrings, the toe, the 
Splinters and everything, I'd have to 
say that not playing baseball has 
been damn good to me. 

STUDS TEBKEL 

He's the author --vf-rec or d of a best- 
seller or two, a Chicago celebrity. 
He's never owned a pencil, never 
mind a typewriter, and doesn't giue. 
a damn who knows iL He talked 
about shirking at a Cubbies game. 

That's right, Banks, you asshole, 

drop fhe hall! Jesus! What were you 
.saying, son? Beer beret Thanks. 

How do you do it, Studs? 

Born with it I was born with it. 
It's a gift. Wake up, Banks, you 
scumbag! Sorry, People just open up 
to me, that's all, It's my face, I look 
like Pat O'Brien or something, peo- 
ple just naturally want to confess to 
me. Strike? C'mon, ump! You blind? 
Outside by a foot! Christ! (Snorts. J 
You were saying? 

The books. How do you do the 
books without working? 

Tape. You heard of bookworms? 
F'm a tapeworm. JFa-ha. When peo- 
ple talk to me, I tape it That fucker 
Nixon stole the idea from me. 
(Laughs.) Then I give the tapes, 
cassettes, I think they're called, 
right, cassettes, to Cathy, and she 
transcribes them. And I got a book. 
Three out! Okay, Cubbies, let's get 
a hit. Hubba hubba! 



But the idea [or the book is yours, 
right? 

Wrong. I got an editor over at 
Pantheon who's dynamite. Takes me 
out to lunch and says, Studs, how 
about the depression? Or working, 
or whatever, Tcrrinic guy. Base hit! 
Base hit! All the way! Oh shit, that 
brings up Banks. Hey, Ernie! Try to 
get hit. with it or something! 

And then you find the people and 
tape tlwrn? 

Uh-uh, There's these guys, my 
scouts, I call them. They dig up ail 
kinds of interesting people. Arid 
then this kid from the university, 
nice kid, really, he operates the tape 
recorder, changes the reels and all 
that. I was never any good with 
machines. Christ, did you see that? 
Fuckin 1 Banks got a hit! Fuck in* 
double! History was just made out 
there, for Chrissake! 

Bui you ask the questions, right? 

Wrong again, friend. I make i\ a 
principle to keep interviews objec- 
tive. Nondirective, as Freud used to 
say. I just pretend to listen, with my 
Pat, O'Brien look on my kisser. Then 
Cathy types *exn up, and the royalty 
checks pour in. My accountant cash- 
es them, comes over to the house 
once a mo nth with a briefcase full 
of twenties. 

But what about the Protestant work 
ethic, Studs? Dont you ever feet 
guilty? 

Well, first of all, I'm a Catholic. 



A bad Catholic, maybe, an atheist 
Catholic sometimes, but I*m not a 
goddamn Protestant. Second, I'm 
from Chicago. Look around you, 
Notice, there are no lights in this 
park. No night baseball at Wrigley. 
And on weekday afternoons, this 
park is full. To watch the Cubbies, 
for Godsake! Nobody in Chicago 
works. Ever. Forget ilial Carl Sand- 
burg bullshit. You want a beer? Hey, 
beer here! And turn oft that ruckin' 
tape recorder, pal. This is my day oft 

NEIL J, GREENE 

He's an ad man. A copywriter. He 
doesn't wear a single organic fiber on 
his body, and has controlled his 
drinking, uses a little "boo'* on week- 
ends. He's got quite a name (or him- 
self on "the street" and his "escape 
kit" a portfolio of hard-hitting print 
campaigns that never got produced, 
but are "creative as hell" is legend- 
ary. 

Pve been a copywriter for fifteen 
years, ever since college. And I've 
never had a raise. The only way to 
get more money in this crazy game 
is to get hired away by a rival agency 
for a big starting salary, then get 
hired back by your own agency at a 
bigger one- Kor a couple of months 
back in seventy -two, I was with two 
agencies. Since I didn't do anything 
for cither, neither ever knew, Hut the 
strain was too much. 

Thai's the roughest thing about 
this kookie business. The strain. 



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SHIRKING 

continued 



When they say a creative guy has a 
tragically short life expectancy out 
here on Mad Ave,, that's no buJl. The 
stress is terrific, on your creativity, 
your intelligence. That is, if you 
really want to avoid ever doing any- 
thing, ever. There's some guys, real 
hacks, they come in at nine, sit down 
at the typewriter, grind it out 
They'll last forever. But guys like 
me — we get burned out. Look at me, 
I'm only thirty-six years old, and my 
hair would be flecked with grey al- 
ready if I didn't have it treated. 
Stress, Pressure, f He puts his thumb 
on one eyelid, forfinger on the other. 
Sits quietly, in pain. ) 

The way I do it — and it's my way, 
for me it's the only way, I couldn't clo 
il any other way, I guess I'm just a 
pig-headed creative kind of guy - 
what I do is get to the office around 
eleven, el even -thirty. But before 
noon. Then I have a coffee with 
everybody on the creative team, one 
at a time, in their offices. That's ten 
cups of cofFee, So then I go take a 
dump, coffee is an emetic, did you 
know that? It's not coffee's big you- 
value, kind of a subliminal spin-off 
effect. Anyway, I read the Times, 
Ad Age, whatever, on the crapper. 
Until about one-thirty. 

That's the time to charge around 
the office saying, "Christ, I forgot 
completely about chow! Jesus, it's 
one -thirty! Anybody want to go tie 
on the feedbag?" Usually me, two 
stenos, and an account guy lunch 
together. We play liar's poker to see 
who puts it on the card. I'm very 
good, very creative at liar's poker. 

One thing, it's very important to 
leave a suit coat over the back of 
your chair if you're going to take 
long lunches, That way, it looks like 
you just stepped out or something. 
A little trick of the trade, dig? 

Afternoons are for meetings, I 
introduced, pioneered, really, the 
whole audio-visual mixed media con- 
cept for meetings here. They take 
place in the dark, you know, because 
I used to find it damn difficult to 
sleep off a lunch drunk at a meeting 
with the lights on. ( Sn ickem ) 

Then it's five, five-thirty, the boys 
in the bullpen start with the "let's 
go tie one on, out of these wet pants 
and into a dry martini" crap. Not 
me. "I've still got a little brainstorm- 
ing to do, fellas. Something I've had 
on the back burner a while. It's the 
midnight oil for me tonight. I'll take 
a raincheek. Oh, Miss Tits'n'ass, 
would you mind staying around? I 
may have some dictation. ..." Then, 
with a weary sigh, T sit down at the 
Selectric, and Lhe whole office troups 
by my door, respectful, compassion- 

continued on page 124 



ItffKATinVAl r ,\ KJIIWW 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



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CHRISTMAS GIFT CATALOG 

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THE GENTLEMAN'S BATHROOM 

COMPANION (BOtOOD 



A collection of stories and cartoons basically deal- 
ing with the gum^s-on between the totes and indnding: 
a new novel] a by Lhns Miller, new cartoons on the sub- 
leer of sexual doings by S. Orosj, and some or" the most 
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tf you welcome good reading . . , H you welcome 
good reading About sex ... if you're gomg to the bath- 
rnntn . you should have » copy, £2,50 

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



, .. 



he 
\ iK}tiof>edia of Humor 




Till: RATIOS At.. LAMPOON 

i \( Y( inwniti OP HUMOR maiorrij 

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BIRTH DA Y HOOK (BO 1 1 2) 

Here's rhe most colci^al history of the United State* 
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THE BEST OF NATIONAL 

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\&n Gogh had 

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•;,. • 






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.J 



SHIRKING 

continued from page US 



ate. I give 'em ten minutes and then 
fuck off with Miss T in tow. 

Sometimes, it's unavoidable that 
you get. stuck with a campaign. What 
I do then — and this is the part that's 
making an old man out of me* put- 
ting the strain on my imagination — 
is 1 figure out a reason why I can't, 
in all conscience, advertise this prod- 
uct* It causes cancer, my sister was 
run over by one, they're in cahoots 
with the Defense Department, what- 
ever. See, creative directors, they're 
on the look out for creative guys with 
principles, or "idealists with ideas." " 
as they say. They respect thatf 

But, frankly, I don't know how 
much longer I can take the pressure, 
the temper tantrums, the rich lunch- 
es, evenings with Miss T. It's a real 
drain on my creativity. What I am, 
really, is a writer. And someday 
soon I'm going to walk out of this 
place, and write the novel that blows 
the cover right oil this gray flannel 
salt mine. 



MIKE FLOOD 



Mike Flood is a fireman. No, not 
with the hose and the spotted dog, 
stupid, a fireman on a train. What's 
more, his father before him was a 
fireman, and his son Mike is an ap- 
prentice. He was interviewed on the 
job, on the Metroliner between New 
York and Philly. 

You know, it's a funny thing. 
When the union came along, my Da, 
that's my father, he wanted nothing 
to do with it. He shoveled coal on 
the big transcontinentals, a giant of 
a man he was with a pair of arms as 
big around as an Irish girl's legs, 
and more than a few of them red 
agitators caught the- back of his 
shovel behind the ear for trying to 
organize, as they called it. But my 
Da used to say, you can't fight prog- 
ress, so he joined up at last. As did I. 

Then the owners come along with 
their diesels, and they says to us, 
they says, we don't need the likes of 
you now, there being precious little 
coal to shovel on a diesel. (Laughs.) 

But the union says the hell with 
that, boys, and by Jesus, it turns out 
you can fight progress. 

So I've been a fireman on diesels, 
and electric trains, and, God willing, 
my boy Mike will be a fireman on an 
atomical train in outer space. We've 
had it written into the cotract with 
NASA, don't laugh. (Laughs.) 

What my job would be would be 
to heave coal into the furnace, if 
there was coal, if there was a furn- 



ace. And it's one of those jobs, like 
being the vice-president of the coun- 
try, that's as important as you make 
it yourself. Some of the fellows do 
nothing at all, at all, or read smutty 
books or whatever. Myself, I keep up 
a stream of talk at the engineer, to 
keep him alert and awake, thereby 
avoiding accidents and the like. 

And lately Fvc had young Mike 
along for company, as I'm teaching 
him the tricks of the trade, so to 
speak, so*s he can carry on the tra- 
dition when I'm gone. (Weeps/) 

JO HNNY TEDESCO 

Johnny Tedesco repairs automo- 
biles. He is chief mechanic at Gara- 
falla's Auto Service Shop in Nr.w- 
ton, Massachusetts. He is thirty- 
three years old, and one day he 
hopes to own his own shop. 

I got the world's greatest job. I 
love this fuckin' job. I wouldn't trade 
jobs with the fuckin' Queen of 
fuckin' England. I make three, may- 
be four hundred bucks a week and 
I could make twice that if I felt like 
bustin' my ass, which believe me I 
don't. What I do is, I fix cars. All 
kinds of cars. American cars, foreign 
cars, even those Japanese cars with 
the fuckin' sideways engines, Custo- 
mer brings in his car, it don't run 
right, maybe it's makm' some kind 
of funny noise or something, I fix it 
for him. I tell 'cm, leave it here, mac, 
I'll fix it for you. Leave it here for a 
coupla days, gimme a call at the 
end of the week, 1*11 have the fuckin' 
thing fixed up for you good as new, 
like it just rolled off the fuckin* line 
in Detroit or Berlin or Tokyo or 
wherever they make those fuckin' 
foreign cars. Gimme the keys and 
forget about it, I tell 'em, I'm a 
fuckin* expert. 

Expert? I'm a fuckin* genius, I got 
a book back there, back in the shop. 
A Dictionary of Automotive Re- 
placement Parts, it's called. That 
book's my fuckin* Bible* It's got 
things listed in there Henry Ford 
never heard of. A guy comes in, let's 
say he's havin' trouble with his 
brakes. I give'm the quick once over, 
then I rip the fuckin* things right 
out. Then I go to the book. I look up 
seven, maybe eight things that have 
something to do with brakes, brake 
drums, brake pedals, brake pads, 
whatever. Then I write'm up. 
Thirty-two fifty for this, forty-five 
ninety -five for that. Whatever the 
fuckin' book says. I go by the book, I 
swear by that book, cause that way 
if some wise guy wants to know what 
he's payin' for 7 I can pull out the 
book and shove it under his fuckin* 
nose. Anyway, once I got the brakes 



1 ftj MA fTiIjr-iXT . 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



ripped out, I shine *em up a little 
bit, maybe drip a little solder over 
'em, then I shove 'em back in the 
car. Then I call the guy up an' I tell 
'em I'm terribly sorry, sir, but the 
problem appears to be more serious 
than we had at first anticipated, 
could he please come in a week from 
Friday. If he gripes I tell him we 
aren't miracle men and he'll have to 
be patient. And then I double the 
labor charge, 'cause if there's one 
thing I hate, it's a fuckin' wise guy. 
Then I go out to Fenway. 

ARTHUR KRONSTEIN 

Arthur Kronstein is thirty-six years 
old. He is a writer, and has been a 
writer ever since he graduated from 
Yale College in 1961. Currently, he 
is playwright-in-residence at Carl- 
ton College in Carlton, Minnesota. 

When I was a senior at Yale— I 
was an English major — I wrote a 
play. Why not, right? It wasn't just 
one play, either. It was three one-act 
plays— Exit Pursued by Bear, Buns, 
and The City of Brotherly Love. 
Maybe you remember them. Most 
people remember them even if they 
didn't see them. That's why I'm 
here. (Giggles,) 

Anyway, the three plays had a 
common setting, a truck stop on a 
major highway between Somewhere 
and Someplace, U.S.A., if you know 
what I mean. Each play was about 
a different guy who comes into the 
truck stop and orders a club sand- 
wich. Then before hi.s order comes 
... but t hi fie I J with that. The point 
is thai the plays were considered 
some kind of breakthrough by (Rob- 
ert) lirustein, who was the head of 
the Yale drama school. What they 
were were the first American black 
comedies, Brustein made up that 
phrase. He was very proud of it. He 
was also the biggest moron this side 
of Helsinki, but what did I care? He 
put my plays on in New Haven and 
they made a hig splash, Saint. Subber 
came up to see them, we signed a 
contract, and he moved them down 
to New York City. We had a whole 
new cast — Barbara Harris, Dick 
Shawn, the works. And I won a Tony 
award. I was the toast of New York. 
Leonard Bernstein was taking me 
to parties. Hirschfield Hid my pic- 
ture and they hung it up at Sardi's. 
I was getting laid six ways at once. 

And everyone was waiting for my 
next play. The trouble was, I didn't 
have a next play, I didn't even have 
an idea for a next play. In sixty- 
seven I wrote a thing about Wood- 
row Wilson and the Treaty of Ver- 
sailles, but it closed in Philadelphia, 
so no one really remembers it. 

continued on pagol2G 




'Console shown is optional. 



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DOKORDER 







TEAC A3340S 


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Wow and Flutter 1fi ips 




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Manufacturer's suggested 


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SI 199.60 


$1199.95 




Features and specifications as published by respecttve manufacturers m currently available literature. 5430 Rosecrans Avenue Lawndale, California 9Q260 

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



SHIRKING 

continued from pane 124 



Thank God. (Nervous laughter J 
Then I did a couple 1 of pieces for 
Esq aire , one about the new breed of 
playwrights, and the other all about 
candy bars with almonds in them. 
Then for about four years I sat out 
in WesthamptOD drinking beer and 
playing gin rummy with Arthur 
Kopit. 

Then, last year, Yale invited me 
Up Lo their summer school to teach a 
course in modern drama. Six weeks, 
a free house on the beach, and fifteen 
students. I told the kids to go away 
for three weeks and memorize The 
Dumbwaiter while I drank bloody 
Marys, Then we had dramatic read- 
ings of the play and talked aboni 
what it meant. God knows / don't 
know. (Laughs.) 

Anyway, just when things were 
winding up at Yale, 1 got this offer 
from Carlton. I get a house, a car, 
and season tickets to the Vikings. 
And all I have to do is teach a sem 
inar — The Dumbwaiter again — and 
write a play, which the drama club is 
supposed to put on during com- 
mencement week. Big time world 
premiere. Frankly, I still haven't got 
any ideas, but if you see Wood row 
Wilson, tell him I think he's going 
back to Paris. (Loud laughs.) 

EDDIE DIMBLE 

Eddie Dimble is a panhandler. He's 
forty -two years old, although he 
looks twice that age, and he says he's 
been "begging" [or as long as he can 
remember. Eddie's station is the 
corner of Fifty -ninth Street and Fifth 
Avenue in New York City, directly 
across the street from the fashion- 
able Plaza and Sherry Netherland 
hotels. 

I wasn't always a deadbeat. For a 
long time I was just unemployed. I 
coulda done almost anything. I 
coulda been somebody. I coulda been 
a contender, instead of a hum, which 
is, let's face it, Charlie, what I am. 
( Laughs. ) 

A lot of people say that bums 
don't, work. Those people are wrong. 
Bums work hard. All day long they 
gotta wander up and down that 
street, never mind if it's raining or if 
it's twenty below and there's snow 
blowin' up your keester. You gotla 
be out there, workin* your corner. 
"Spare change?" "Go fuck yourself." 
"Pardon me, sir." "Go fuck your- 
self." "Have you got a quarter?*' "Go 
fuck yourself." Believe me, it isn't 
easy* It isn't easy, that is, unless 
you're wised up. If you're wised up, 
like yours truly, you can work thirty, 



maybe forty minutes a day and still 
make your wine money by quitting 
time. 

Take yesterday, I stumble out of 
the park about 7:00 a.m., wearing my 
worst set of rags. Real garbage. L 
haven't shaved for three days. Then 
I walk over to the horse carriages 
there — the ones the jerk-off s from 
Cleveland ride around the park in 
with their snot-nosed kids, scared 
shitless some boogie's gonna jump 
out of a tree and kill them 'cause they 
read about Central Park in the pap- 
ers back home — and I fill up my 
pockets with horse turds. The big 
ones. Chocolate soft balls > we call 
'em. Then 1 piss myself. Then I wait 
until Tin good and ripe. Ten, maybe 
fifteen minutes. Five on a real hot 
day. When my bouquet is right, 
when I smell like a double order of 
home-fried cats' assholes, I wander 
over to the Plaza, buy a paper at 
the newsstand, and sit down in the 
lobby to catch up on the state of the 
union. People can't believe their 
noses. My aroma is overpowering. 
Women start to faint. The lobby 
starts to empty out. And then the 
manager arrives. He's got two 
choices. Either he can call the cops 
and have them drag me screaming 
out of his hotel- — a nasty scene for 
everyone — or ho can slip me fifteen 
bucks and watch as I leave quietly. 
It never fails. I'm back out on the 
sidewalk by 7:30, my day's work 
done, heading for the local package 
store. 

ED McMAHON 

Ed McMahon is the regular an- 
nouncer on NBC's late night talk 
program, "The Tonight Show." In 
addition, he. makes regular appear- 
ances around the country as a per- 
former, a master of ceremonies, and 
a spokesman for various products. 
He weighs 245 pounds. 

Da da de daa daaa, de de da da 
daaa . . . welcome to "The Tonight 
Show," starring Johnny Orson, 
with Doc Severinson and his orches- 
tra and me, I*m Ed McMahon. 
( Laughs. ) 

Edward F.F. McMahon. F.F. 
stands for Famous Face. Do you 
know that I'm one of the ten best 
known men in America? They took 
a poll and I came in eighth, right 
behind Ronald Reagan. Which is 
where I'm going to be if he decides 
to run for President next year. Ha ha. 

Seriously though, three out of four 
people in America know my face 
and my name. People who wouldn't 
recognize Henry Kissinger if they 
bumped into him at the supermar- 
ket What those people don't know, 



what they can't figure out, is what 1 
do for a living. What are you drink- 
ing? Scotch? Let me get you a refill. 
You know how Johnny's always kid- 
ding me about how much booze I 
put away? He don't know de half of 
it! (Loud laugh.) 

So where was I? Right. People 
cannot figure out what I do, ( Whis- 
pers.) But I'm going to give you a 
hint. You ready? Take six, multiply 
it by five, add twelve, and divide it 
by seven. You know what you get? 
Nothing! (Laughs loudly.) Abso- 
lutely nothing, I don*t do a goddamn 
thing. And I don't do it twenty four 
hours a day, seven days a week. Let 
me Freshen that drink for you. 

You know, a lot of show business 
people will tell you how hard it is to 
be an announcer. That's what I call 
myself on my tax returns, an an- 
nouncer. These people will go on 
endlessly about hot lights, long re- 
hearsals, grinding pressure. What 
horses hit! How *bout some more ice? 
I mean, look at my job. I show up at 
the studio at 3:30, and the taping 
starts at 4:00. I do my standard in- 
troduction, which I've done so many 
times now that I could do it uncon- 
scious. Which, come to think of it, 
I have done more than once, if you 
know what 1 mean. ( Laughs.) Which 
was it for you, J & B or Cutty? Then 
I sit down and talk to Johnny for a 
few minutes. Mostly what I do is 
laugh at his jokes. He doesn't like 
me to make jokes of my own, so I 
just laugh at his. I have a very good 
laugh. I have what's known in the 
business as a hearty laugh. So I 
laugh for a few minutes and then I'm 
done for the night. The guests start 
coming out and all I've got to do is 
keep from falling off the couch. Most 
of the time I'm not even on camera. 
And that's it. I forget, was it soda 
or water? For me, I mean. 

That, as I say, is absolutely it. 
And do you know what 1 get paid 
for doing it? I'll give you another 
hint. (Whispers again.) Take two, 
add three, add Jive, multiply by a 
hundred thousand, and keep multi- 
plying! (Loud laugh,) 

That's per year. And that's just 
from the television show. Every time 
I fly out to St. 1 iOuis to stand in front 
of a horse and drink beer . . . say, 
how 'bout a little beer chaser? ... I 
pocket another fifty thou. And then 
there's the state fairs and the testi- 
monials and all that garbage. All I 
have to do is show up and they stuff 
money in my pockets. I'm rich! I'm 
filthy rich and I don't do a goddamn 
thing! (Roars wi th laughter.) Noth- 
ing! You understand what Tin say- 
ing? Ha ha, Ha ha ha. No t-h-i-n-g! 
Ha ha ha. (Laughs continuously, 
then vomits.) D 



126 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




Is your 
cigarette less 

than More? 






& ilh-B.I REYNOLDS lGBACCQ Ctf 



Tf it isn't More, it's less than More. Because More is the first 120mm cigarette. 
It's More in every way except price. 

More has more style. It has more flavor. It has more. Over 50% more pull's 
than most 100mm cigarettes. Yet More doesn't cost more. 

And what's more, More comes in both regular and menthol. They're both 
long, lean and burnished brown. Regular More delivers rich tobacco flavor while 
More Menthol packs a cooling blast. Puff after puff after puff. 

You'll find that More and More Menthol smoke slower and draw easy for 
more enjoyment. They're more flavorful. Yet they're surprisingly mild. 

More and More Menthol. They sil neat in your hand like they were made 
for it and fit your face like they found a home. 

Why settle for less? ^#m% - 

The first 120mm cigarette. 



Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
I hat Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous toYour Health. 



FILTER, MENTHOL- 21 mg, w tar"l6 mg. nicotine, w. poi CHjaruite by FTC method. 
Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Introducing the changer 

that outperforms all others. 

The direct drive SL-1350. 



Introducing the world's first and only direct- 
drive changer. The SL-1350. The first 
changer with the Technics direct- 
drive system. A system so superior 
many radio stations now use il. 

No other changer, and only a 
handful of manuals, can equal its 
0.04% wow and flutter. And 
because the motor spins at the 
exact speed of the record, any rum- 
ble is an inaudible -70dB (DIN B). 

Two pairs of pivot bearings ensure the 
rotational sensitivity of the SL-1350's gimbal- 
suspended tone arm. And for precise trackinj 
its effective pivot to stylus length is 9^' 

With the Technics Memo Gram dial con 
the SL-1350 can play up to six records in 




Direct Drive System 




sequence. Or repeat-play any disc up to six times. 
You can even use it as a manual turntable. 



But any way you use it, the SL-1350 gives you 
everything you need, Like viscous 
damped cueing and variable pitch 
controls. A 13" platter. An easy view 
prism strobe. CD-4 phono cables, 
Even a hinged detachable dust 
cover and base are included. 

So if you've been sacrificing the 
convenience of a changer for the 
performance of a manual, take 
a look at the Technics SL-1350. 
It'll change your mind about changers. 

The concept is simple. The execution is 
precise. The performance is outstanding. 
The name is Technics, 

FOR YOUR TT.CHNICS DEALER, CALL FREE 800 447-4700, 
FN ILLINOIS, 800 322*4400. 



fu\ 



Technics 

by Panasonic 












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Copyright ©2007 National Lampo